This is What Happens When I’m Tired

I guess it’s time to admit that I’m tired.  I almost lost someone I love this weekend and I’m still trying to process and deal.  I haven’t gotten much sleep this weekend so it’s leaving me a lot of time to sit with my thoughts.

I’m tired not only physically but emotionally.  I suppose this was a bad time to decide to keep my personal life private because there is a lot going on.  A part of me feels that  if people knew what’s been going on in my life, they will understand why I’m being the way I am right now.  But I hate making excuses for myself.  I hate having to compromise my own work ethic.  Life gets in the way sometimes, or more importantly life needs to be a priority.  I hate the fact that I’ve let several of my friends down these last few years.  When it comes to friendships, I’m a huge flake; I’ve been missing many birthday parties, weddings, showers, etc.  I feel so guilty about it.  And I only have myself to blame.  I put so much on my plate that by the end of the day, I’m exhausted.  I fall asleep and slumber through my alarm.

I don’t really know where my head is at right now.  I was in a mode of transition but now it looks like the dust is settling.  The dust gets kicked up from time to time but I think where I’m at right now is going to be home for a while. I’m thrilled about where I am right now.  It’s just getting used to this life.  Last year was fairly lazy.  Working and roller derby dictated my life.  But now other elements have entered my life and I’m so happy and grateful for it.

But in this new place in life has meant that some people are starting to treat me differently than they used to.  They liked me before and were comfortable talking to me about anything and everything, but now they’re closed off.  Or, the more ironic one, they disliked me and now all of a sudden they want to be best friends.  People are funny.  It’s probably why I enjoy people watching.  And at this moment, I realize how much I miss my Grandma (don’t start crying in Starbucks, Alex).  My Grandma loved people watching.  She’s been gone for almost 12 years.

I’ve dealt with a lot of loss and disaster in my life.  Probably more than a person should.  I’ve lost many friends and loved ones over the course of my life to death.  Treasure the time you have with your loved ones because you never know when something might happen to them or…worse…they’re gone for good.

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