The Mentality of Being Sick

phoenixtearsau4In March of 2014, I had noticed something about my body that was acting weird. For the purposes of keeping this rather toned down as to what my condition is, I’ve named this ailment, “Gladys.”

I went to the doctor since not only did I not get my normal cycle for four months, and I wasn’t pregnant, but I was experiencing back pain and really bad cramps. My PMS times were always painful, but in the last year, I was dealing with crippling pain that would put me in bed for days at a time. And as time progressed, it got worse. So, to the doctor I went.

Without going into too much detail, I found out that I needed treatment for what I had. After one unsuccessful procedure that was less invasive, I had to have a second, more aggressive procedure. Right now, I’m stabilized. But mentality, I’m damaged.

First, let me start off with the fact that I’ve never thought I was immortal. In fact, I came to terms about the possibility of death about 9 years ago after dealing with a car accident that nearly killed me. Injuries are one thing, but being sick is a completely different game. Injuries heal. Diseases have a chance of coming back.

I also began to learn who my friends were, who were real Christians, who were really there for genuine reasons. When I was at my lowest, I learned who would be there for me when I needed them. I also saw the ugliest side of humanity in how others treated me once they learned I was sick.

One of the side effects of this disease is chronic pain. While it has reduced lately, being in constant pain eats away at your psychological well-being. I hate worrying anyone, so most of the time I’m never honest about how I’m feeling. I’m trying to keep my ailment a secret from the general public, and the only people who know are immediate family and friends. But sometimes I have to wonder if I should be more open to the public. Probably not. It would only hurt me.

I’ve also learned that my tolerance of dealing with pettiness and stupidity has reduced greatly. Whether it’s someone cheating on another, people nagging about traffic, spending money, etc. Well, at least you are healthy. You have purpose. We’re all alive and on the same team (for the most part). Why can’t we just treat each other with love and respect? Is that so hard to ask for?

I’ve also slowly been cutting out dramatic people in my life. If it’s not their fault, obviously that’s a different story. But when someone is constantly putting themselves in positions to willingly hurt someone and then wonder why they have drama in their life, I’m sorry but you’re out. To the people who think I’m talking about them, I probably am. Look in the damn mirror and see that the change that needs to happen is within yourself. Grow up, stop playing with people’s emotions and live, and start making a useful contribution to humanity.

Yeah, I sound mad. Because I am. Dealing with Gladys has made me extraordinarily angry. I’m angry at life, I’m angry at God. I’m just angry. While I’m happy with everyday that is given to me, my limitations make me so angry. I’ve been poked and prodded. I’ve been on more medications than I ever wanted to be on.

During times such as this, I honestly wanted to give up. But then a good friend of mine reminded me of my grandmother. She had nearly every health issue in the book, and yet she always kept pushing through and living her life. I’m not dealing with anything near to what she had, and I’m falling apart. If my grandmother could get through life with a broken ankle, diabetes, pneumonia, etc. then surely I can deal with Gladys.

Anyway, this is basically a rambling blog. Trying to work out the craziness in my mind in a public venue.

Happy sleep, everyone.

5 comments

  1. Very good post. I know somebody who is going through a tough time due to a cancer related issue and they have spoken of similar issues you have mentioned, such as knowing your real friends and not having time for the unimportant stuff.
    As much as health problems are a problem, I always feel like you learn about life in a strange way from them. We have a saying in Islam that with a hard thing comes a good thing, like maybe through bad times we actually grow the most and value our life much more.
    I wish you the best 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I totally understand chronic pain having some level of pain from 2 to 1000+ in my head for the last ten years. I too have a pat answer of fine when asked how I feel ni matter what level pain I have. Since you recently started on this journey may I suggest you be honest about the level of pain you have. You don’t have to go into detail to tell people why but be honest with yourself. Take this from someone who is paying the price for always being fine. Chronic pain is not only a physical journey but an emotional one too. Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

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