This is a blog that I thought I would never need to write. In fact, this is something I never wanted to face.

On Friday, January 30th, a friend of my mom’s text me to ask if I heard from my mom yet. I realized I hadn’t heard from her really since Wednesday night. It wasn’t uncommon to skip a day or two in communicating with my mom, so it was nothing out of the ordinary for me. Plus, my mom recently had surgery so I wanted to give her some space to rest. Just in case. I stepped aside from work and called both of my mom’s numbers. No answer. I communicated with family members in her area and asked if they could check on her. No one could get there immediately. I thought I would wait until I was off work since I only had a few hours left. Surely, my mom would have called or texted me back by then.

An hour goes by…nothing. I start to get agitated. I step outside during chapel to call again. No answer.

I talk with my co-worker and decide to call the police to have them do a welfare check on her.

As I’m driving home, I start to get more anxious and nervous. I couldn’t allow my mind to rest. I kept trying to tell myself that maybe she was sleeping (since she had surgery on Monday), or she was at a doctor’s appointment. After an hour, I still didn’t hear from the police, so I called to follow up. The deputies had just arrived at the scene and her car was in the driveway. They would call me back.

I decided to lay down in my bed while cuddle my kitties. I was keeping friends and family updated, as we were now all becoming concerned.

Then, my phone rang from my mom’s area code. I picked up the phone to answer.

“Is this Alex?”

“Yes.”

“We went ahead and checked up on your mother…”

“And?”

“I’m sorry to report to you that she has passed away in her bed.”

It’s been about 6 days and his words still ring in my ear. Repeating over and over again. When he broke the news, I started repeating “No” as much as I could. I actually hung up on him.

I had never screamed in agony before this. I couldn’t stop screaming and crying. I tried to get out of bed but I couldn’t get up. It was as if my legs had stopped working. I fumbled as my phone started ringing and I answered and told my mom’s friend she was gone. I don’t remember who called who, but I told my uncle the same. I looked into my phone to see who I could call. I couldn’t even see straight. I called my friend Julia and told her my mom died. She dropped everything and came over. I wrote a status on Facebook that only said, “My mom died”

An hour later, I had about 5 people in my apartment packing for me, cleaning, making calls, and communicating with my uncle on travel arrangements. As I drank the red wine in the glass, I started to go completely numb. I couldn’t even function. Soon after, my uncle told me to call the coroner.

As I sat on the phone and listened to the coroner tell me about how my mom died, it was a blur. She died of internal bleeding from her GI tract, which was indicated by the fact that blood came out of her nose and mouth as they moved her body.

I never had a chance to tell her that I loved her once more.

I immediately regretted all the times I took my frustrations out on her.

I can’t comprehend the fact that I can’t pick up the phone and call her to ask her for advice or just to tell her about my day.

At this point, my blogs for the next months could very well be me mourning my mother. I’ve never dealt with a death of a parent before, and I don’t know where to start.