This has been a strange week.

My week started with the most incredible high.  But with every high, I suppose the universe needed to balance me out.

This week, I’ve dealt with a lot of…haters.  This sounds so egotistical of me, and I really don’t want to mean it like it’s sounding.  But I’ve been dealing with a lot of haters who’ve held nothing back in calling me out.  It’s new to me.  Well, at least in large numbers.  Actually, it’s just new-ish.  I know the reason why I’m dealing with it, it’s because of my associations with a particular group of people.  People tell me it’s because “such-n-such” is jealous, blah, blah, blah.  I’ve always been pretty good at distancing myself from people I anticipate I may not get along with, or I detect that they may be jerks.  But there’s always a few that sneak in.

In my “normal” life, I get along with everyone.  Even if I’m not fond of someone, or someone isn’t fond of me, there’s still mutual respect.  The community I associate with at home is wonderful.  It’s professional, supportive, and we all have a degree of respect for each other.  Then I go home and join my “other life” and it seems to be the polar opposite.  While I love the work I get to do with this group, sometimes dealing with people who don’t like me can wear on my mind.  I don’t care if people like me or not, it’s figuring out how to respond when they make it extremely clear and make sure that you know they don’t like you.  And I feel that because of my associations, and the fact I’m not able to verbally bitchslap people the way I used to, these people are taking advantage of that and basically think they can take a dump on my desk and get away with it.

There are two groups.  The first group contains people that I’m not emotionally connected to, and they don’t hold back in making complete asses of themselves and target you for making lighthearted commentary on something as simple as a Facebook status.  Those don’t get to me as much as they amuse me for the most part.

I was told to not ever write about it because it would show the “haters” that they got to me.  But to be perfectly honest…the second group gets to me sometimes.  Especially when it’s someone who you had tremendous respect for, and you get accused of something that you didn’t do, and they don’t give you any help or time of day to explain to you what exactly you did wrong.  It’s hard.  And as much as I wanted to investigate, I have to accept that fact that if the other person really gave a shit about me, they would’ve told me what was going on.  Instead of one day, we’re friends, and the next day, I’m gone from a friends list.  Majority of people in my life know that the one thing I cannot stand is being accused of something that I didn’t do.  I own up to my mistakes, but when I don’t know what I’m supposed to own up to, and therefore rejected for doing something that I’ve never been made privy to, it hurts.  A lot.  I can only cry and mourn over the loss of the friendship for so long before I can wash my hands of the issue and simply move on with my life.  While I know things that were told to me that supposedly came from my former friend in question, I decided to hold it in.  I tend to try to let rumors and gossip die with me.  I hate bringing up unnecessary drama, especially if it only upsets the person.

I mean…look at it this way:

“Hey Alan, I heard from Brad that he heard from Chris that you were telling him about this one thing that I said…” See where things can get lost?  Would it be worth to upset Alan like that when the rumors are coming from second, third and fourth parties?

So dealing with haters.  Dealing with rumors.  Dealing with gossip.  I have to learn how to let it go.  I also need to come to terms with letting go the friendships that have ended.  I have turned into a person that doesn’t trust anyone, except maybe a few close friends.  It stinks, and I’ve become quite cynical of people and their intentions of wanting to befriend me.  People are going to talk shit because you’re present.  They know who you are and for whatever reason they don’t like you, they’ll talk shit.  It’s the way of the game.  I was basically broken last week from the loss of a friendship that I treasured.  But what doesn’t break you, makes you stronger.

And while haters are going to hate, I’m going to enjoy life.  I’m going to wake up in the morning and take a big whiff of the successes I’ve achieved because I’ve worked my ass off to get them.  I’m no longer going to be ashamed or self-conscious of my accomplishments and apologize for being who I am because it offends someone.  Why does anyone have to be knocked down so that someone else can feel better?  Why even give that negative person acknowledgement?

So, I’m back.  I’m ready to dive back into life and take the bull by the horns.  And if you don’t like it, go ahead and try to knock me down a peg.  You’re only going to look like an ass.  Unfortunately now, I can’t care anymore.  I won’t acknowledge it anymore.  I’ve been reminded that life’s too short to focus on that or even give it a glance anymore.

To all the haters out there, thank you.

Thank you for making my backbone stronger than it ever has been in my life.

*Photo Credit: “Swimming in Broken Mirrors”, self-portrait by Caryn Drextal