rumors Archives - The Spooky Stuff by Alex Matsuo

I had to go through some old boxes of mine that were sitting outside of my house. The rain finally took over and the wind was strong enough to knock the boxes over so it was time to go through them to see if they’re worthy of bringing inside the house.

It probably took about an hour. It’s a wet and cloudy Saturday here in San Diego, and my interest was more delved into staying indoors while watching figure skating and eating chili. But alas, I went through the boxes. During the experience, I freaked out about spiders, dirt, and wet soggy cardboard. But miraculously, my belongings remained dry and untouched.

I found jewelry, photos, books, all these things that are a part of me and my history. It’s weird to say, but this whole experience helped me find myself again. I think I took people’s perceptions of me to establish my current identity, and to be honest, I’ve been feeling a little lost. Apparently, my identity in the public eye has been growing, and about 98% of these people think they know me and they know who I am. In truth, they only know one side of me. Not even a side, they only see on sliver of what goes on in my life. Now does this mean I want everyone to take the time to get to know me? Of course not. I think I’ve been ignorant of myself for about 6 months now. I only gave attention to what people see on the surface of me. In truth, isn’t that how we function on a regular basis? to only judge by what you see on the exterior and what other people tell you of that person.

I believe it was RuPaul who said, “What other people think about you is none of your business.” And it’s very true. I’m slowly beginning to get to that place where I’m not caring anymore about what other people think of me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there are select individuals out there who will try to destroy me, my character, and my life. But they will never stop my family from loving me, they will never cause rifts in my friendships, and they will never prevent me from doing what I love. They actually have no power over me.

Going through these old boxes inspired me to revisit some old photos. I found a photo of me from circa 2006/2007. I almost didn’t recognize myself. But that is the Alex I want to return to. I cropped the photo to save my friend from internet exposure. This is the Alex who was very social, hung out with friends on a regular basis, lived life to the fullest, worked hard, and took nothing for granted…while still in the moment of pure happiness and appreciation. Which I’ve lost. This photo was taken the first or second Christmas after my car accident. Unreal. I genuinely look happy.

I’m going to start disengaging from toxic people on the internet. They can go and say I rip people to shreds, I’m a horrible person, I am a terrible friend, I use people, etc. but they don’t know me. They don’t know my friends, my colleagues, and my family. In closing, they don’t know what they’re talking about. If the attempts of taking down the reputation of myself and other people gives these individuals the sustenance that they need to have fulfillment and the reason to live and survive, then my public identity is a generous donation to their meaning of life.

This has been a strange week.

My week started with the most incredible high. But with every high, I suppose the universe needed to balance me out.

This week, I’ve dealt with a lot of…haters. This sounds so egotistical of me, and I really don’t want to mean it like it’s sounding. But I’ve been dealing with a lot of haters who’ve held nothing back in calling me out. It’s new to me. Well, at least in large numbers. Actually, it’s just new-ish. I know the reason why I’m dealing with it, it’s because of my associations with a particular group of people. People tell me it’s because “such-n-such” is jealous, blah, blah, blah. I’ve always been pretty good at distancing myself from people I anticipate I may not get along with, or I detect that they may be jerks. But there’s always a few that sneak in.

In my “normal” life, I get along with everyone. Even if I’m not fond of someone, or someone isn’t fond of me, there’s still mutual respect. The community I associate with at home is wonderful. It’s professional, supportive, and we all have a degree of respect for each other. Then I go home and join my “other life” and it seems to be the polar opposite. While I love the work I get to do with this group, sometimes dealing with people who don’t like me can wear on my mind. I don’t care if people like me or not, it’s figuring out how to respond when they make it extremely clear and make sure that you know they don’t like you. And I feel that because of my associations, and the fact I’m not able to verbally bitchslap people the way I used to, these people are taking advantage of that and basically think they can take a dump on my desk and get away with it.

There are two groups. The first group contains people that I’m not emotionally connected to, and they don’t hold back in making complete asses of themselves and target you for making lighthearted commentary on something as simple as a Facebook status. Those don’t get to me as much as they amuse me for the most part.

I was told to not ever write about it because it would show the “haters” that they got to me. But to be perfectly honest…the second group gets to me sometimes. Especially when it’s someone who you had tremendous respect for, and you get accused of something that you didn’t do, and they don’t give you any help or time of day to explain to you what exactly you did wrong. It’s hard. And as much as I wanted to investigate, I have to accept that fact that if the other person really gave a shit about me, they would’ve told me what was going on. Instead of one day, we’re friends, and the next day, I’m gone from a friends list. Majority of people in my life know that the one thing I cannot stand is being accused of something that I didn’t do. I own up to my mistakes, but when I don’t know what I’m supposed to own up to, and therefore rejected for doing something that I’ve never been made privy to, it hurts. A lot. I can only cry and mourn over the loss of the friendship for so long before I can wash my hands of the issue and simply move on with my life. While I know things that were told to me that supposedly came from my former friend in question, I decided to hold it in. I tend to try to let rumors and gossip die with me. I hate bringing up unnecessary drama, especially if it only upsets the person.

I mean…look at it this way:

“Hey Alan, I heard from Brad that he heard from Chris that you were telling him about this one thing that I said…” See where things can get lost? Would it be worth to upset Alan like that when the rumors are coming from second, third and fourth parties?

So dealing with haters. Dealing with rumors. Dealing with gossip. I have to learn how to let it go. I also need to come to terms with letting go the friendships that have ended. I have turned into a person that doesn’t trust anyone, except maybe a few close friends. It stinks, and I’ve become quite cynical of people and their intentions of wanting to befriend me. People are going to talk shit because you’re present. They know who you are and for whatever reason they don’t like you, they’ll talk shit. It’s the way of the game. I was basically broken last week from the loss of a friendship that I treasured. But what doesn’t break you, makes you stronger.

And while haters are going to hate, I’m going to enjoy life. I’m going to wake up in the morning and take a big whiff of the successes I’ve achieved because I’ve worked my ass off to get them. I’m no longer going to be ashamed or self-conscious of my accomplishments and apologize for being who I am because it offends someone. Why does anyone have to be knocked down so that someone else can feel better? Why even give that negative person acknowledgement?

So, I’m back. I’m ready to dive back into life and take the bull by the horns. And if you don’t like it, go ahead and try to knock me down a peg. You’re only going to look like an ass. Unfortunately now, I can’t care anymore. I won’t acknowledge it anymore. I’ve been reminded that life’s too short to focus on that or even give it a glance anymore.

To all the haters out there, thank you.

Thank you for making my backbone stronger than it ever has been in my life.

*Photo Credit: “Swimming in Broken Mirrors”, self-portrait by Caryn Drextal

Tag: rumors

Boxes of the Past

Haters Gonna Hate