I had to go through some old boxes of mine that were sitting outside of my house. The rain finally took over and the wind was strong enough to knock the boxes over so it was time to go through them to see if they’re worthy of bringing inside the house.
It probably took about an hour. It’s a wet and cloudy Saturday here in San Diego, and my interest was more delved into staying indoors while watching figure skating and eating chili. But alas, I went through the boxes. During the experience, I freaked out about spiders, dirt, and wet soggy cardboard. But miraculously, my belongings remained dry and untouched.
I found jewelry, photos, books, all these things that are a part of me and my history. It’s weird to say, but this whole experience helped me find myself again. I think I took people’s perceptions of me to establish my current identity, and to be honest, I’ve been feeling a little lost. Apparently, my identity in the public eye has been growing, and about 98% of these people think they know me and they know who I am. In truth, they only know one side of me. Not even a side, they only see on sliver of what goes on in my life. Now does this mean I want everyone to take the time to get to know me? Of course not. I think I’ve been ignorant of myself for about 6 months now. I only gave attention to what people see on the surface of me. In truth, isn’t that how we function on a regular basis? to only judge by what you see on the exterior and what other people tell you of that person.
I believe it was RuPaul who said, “What other people think about you is none of your business.” And it’s very true. I’m slowly beginning to get to that place where I’m not caring anymore about what other people think of me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there are select individuals out there who will try to destroy me, my character, and my life. But they will never stop my family from loving me, they will never cause rifts in my friendships, and they will never prevent me from doing what I love. They actually have no power over me.
Going through these old boxes inspired me to revisit some old photos. I found a photo of me from circa 2006/2007. I almost didn’t recognize myself. But that is the Alex I want to return to. I cropped the photo to save my friend from internet exposure. This is the Alex who was very social, hung out with friends on a regular basis, lived life to the fullest, worked hard, and took nothing for granted…while still in the moment of pure happiness and appreciation. Which I’ve lost. This photo was taken the first or second Christmas after my car accident. Unreal. I genuinely look happy.
I’m going to start disengaging from toxic people on the internet. They can go and say I rip people to shreds, I’m a horrible person, I am a terrible friend, I use people, etc. but they don’t know me. They don’t know my friends, my colleagues, and my family. In closing, they don’t know what they’re talking about. If the attempts of taking down the reputation of myself and other people gives these individuals the sustenance that they need to have fulfillment and the reason to live and survive, then my public identity is a generous donation to their meaning of life.
