Responsibility

July 5, 2014 Alex Matsuo

Well, first of all: Shame on me. It’s been 5 months since I’ve updated this blog. But I’m happy that it’s still getting a ton of traffic for my Shakespeare posts (now I know what the audience really wants).

Anyway, now to catch you all up to my life as I know it thus far. Wild Party opened and closed, and it was a great show to be a part of. I made some wonderful new friends and connections in the Raleigh theatre community. I also decided to start doing a podcast for the theatre community in the Triangle area. I’ve been slowly collecting interviews and I hope to debut the podcast “Triangle On Stage” in August.

Speaking of shows, I’m a part of the cast of Xanadu at North Raleigh Arts and Creative Theatre and will be playing in September. If you’ve ever seen the original god-awful movie with Olivia Newton-John, you probably know that the musical is all camp and overall just fun. I’m really excited to be a part of the show and so far the rehearsal process has been all smiles. Plus, I get to bust my skates out again!

So, let’s get to business. I’ve gone through a whirlwind of a year since moving to Raleigh on June 1st, 2013. My life has changed in many unexpected ways. While initially it may have seemed like the events of last year were the worse thing to have ever happened to me, looking back…I feel like I might now understand what the Universe (or God) was trying to do.

Anyway, I’ve really been working on “me”, specifically when it comes to forgiving myself and taking responsibility for my actions of basically my entire life. I had a wise friend who gave me a heart to heart, because even after things calmed down, I still wasn’t all that happy. This friend told me that I needed to start taking responsibility for my actions in why I wasn’t happy. Of course, hearing this was at first very startling and doesn’t seem like the right thing to say to someone who was having an emotionally difficult time. But the reason being is that, I was living like a victim. And thus, it was a perspective that didn’t give me any control over my life. My life, my choices, etc. are all related to where I am exactly now. The important thing I needed to do was to take responsibility for my actions that I had control over, and then forgive myself. Interestingly enough, once I started forgiving myself, it was easier to start forgiving others.

The other part of this was also acknowledging where I didn’t have control, and to let certain things go, and to not continuously revisit the painful chapters. In the case of my stalker, it was a time where I let him make me feel like I was powerless and I lived in fear for several months before finally taking him to court to get the restraining order, which was granted because he waived his right to a hearing and consented to my testimony in court. I cried when that happened…it made me reconsider my relationship with God because I felt as though He finally threw me a bone. I would never wish what I went through with my stalker on my worst enemy. It was a frightening and awful experience that still leaves me looking over my shoulder all the time.

When I look at the people who wronged me today, I just feel sad for them and my heart goes out to them. I feel sad for the people who still hold grudges and post passive-aggressive messages knowing that it will do nothing to head towards a resolution. But, these are all doors that I’m in the process of closing. Looking back just leads to reopening those wounds and revisiting the pain on a regular basis, and I can’t do that to myself anymore. Do I hope for a resolution in the future? Of course. But I’m not going to tear myself apart anymore because it’s not happening.

And that’s taking responsibility by taking care of myself, and for the first time ever, doing things to help place myself on the road to genuine happiness. I have a job that I love, I have wonderful friends that I’ve made since moving here, I’m in a show and doing what I love, and I got the apartment of my dreams. I can’t really complain right now, but I also don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch because life always has that way of reminding you to appreciate the little things in life like having a roof over your head and food in your stomach. Basically, I’m enjoying life right now and not taking it for granted. Why?

Because it’s my responsibility to do so as a member of the human race.

Nothing Else Matters Because I’m Fat

August 30, 2013 Alex Matsuo

Being a fat person has exposed me to the widest variety of insults and jokes. Whether they’re said to my face or behind my back, whenever someone really wants to insult or get to someone, they comment on their weight. Being fat has become the ultimate haven of experiencing below-the-belt insults.

It also seems that when one is fat, the quality of the person goes down. People judge character based on weight. Don’t believe me? Let’s take some of my own experiences. I was recently called fat via social media by a chain smoker. Of course, when someone speaks up to defend a fat person, the comeback is “well they shouldn’t be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle” as they light another cigarette.

Ironic, isn’t it? Perhaps we need to look in the mirror before judging.

Furthermore, who gave thin people the badge that gives them the right to be called good people and shame fat people? Shaming based on size has become huge (excuse the pun) in our modern society. There’s fat shaming and skinny shaming. It appears that insulting one’s appearance is much more powerful than commenting on the person’s actual character.

For example, I was made to feel insignificant, basically not intelligent enough for certain endeavors that I’ve chosen to embark upon by my chain-smoking buddy. Even though I have a Masters degree in my chosen path, I wasn’t smart enough or qualified enough, and then proceeded to comment on my weight and how I needed to spend my time and energy on becoming less of a fatass.

This is where, “Nothing else matters because I’m fat” comes from.

I’ve done mission work in third world countries, I’ve worked with special needs children, I’ve volunteered hundreds of hours into non-profits and charities, I’ve worked with inner city children…but I’m fat. Therefore whatever I do is moot because I am large.

Of course, this isn’t true. Some of the most intelligent people I know are overweight and/or obese.

When someone posts a photo of themselves, and they’re overweight and celebrating their body image, the comments I see from naysayers/trolls the most are, “You shouldn’t be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle” or “You’re celebrating that overeating is okay.” Here’s the thing, of course being overweight is unhealthy. If someone feels fabulous at 500 pounds, that’s awesome! If someone is 500 pounds, eats healthy, exercises every day…that’s great! For me, I know the [my] human body isn’t meant to carry the amount of weight I’m carrying. But ya know what? It’s no one’s business but my own. Other people’s weight and health is nobody else’s business but my own. I sit in an airplane seat just fine so it shouldn’t bug the person next to me. Yeah, I might be an awkward sight at the gym, but at least I’m there. People are fat for a variety of different reasons ranging from health to emotional. Is it my business? No. Nor is the reason why I’m fat is anyone else’s business but my and my family’s. Weight is a personal concern.

If I’m a bad person, tell me I’m a bad person, don’t comment on appearance. Throwing insults takes more than just appearances (pun intended).

Like most people, fat people (or fit/skinny/chubby/bulky/curvy/etc people) are not perfect. Even people who are comfortable in their own skin aren’t perfect. We all come from different backgrounds, we’ve made mistakes, we’ve hurt others, we’ve been hurt, we regret our actions…it’s all a part of being human. This is a journey of mankind.

What needs to be looked at are the people who feel like they have to insult weight and body image in order to hurt others. Maybe they’re feeling so insignificant about themselves that they have to project their own hurt and insecurities onto others. They aren’t worth your time or taking up space in your head or heart. Are they bad people? I don’t know. I’m biased. Considering that words have so much power, a fat joke can make a person purge after eating, and self-confidence can be instantly shattered with a fat comment. Like being fat means that they’re less of person.

Guess what? No matter what your body size is, you are not less of a person.

What makes you less of a person is the fact you have to tear others down by commenting on their body image to make yourself look powerful. Making memes and insulting photos of fat people is nothing more than a pissing contest to see who can be the most powerful. People who comment on appearances in order to make themselves look good are the lowest on the totem pole emotionally and they have to make sure that someone else feels bad too, because hey, misery loves company. Think about it, have you ever seen or heard an emotionally happy, sane, and healthy person go around spewing negativity like that?

Instead of commenting on body image as a reflection of inner character, perhaps we just need to start looking at the person beyond the fat and beyond the physique. Being fit doesn’t automatically make someone a good person, nor does being fat automatically make someone a bad person.

If someone calls you fat for the purposes of making you feel bad, let it slide off your back (easier said than done, I know). Because the person who said the hurtful comment is most likely feeling insignificant in some way, and in their minds, insulting you gives them power. Don’t give them that power.

Weight does not equal character.

Why I Buzzed Part of My Head

November 17, 2012 Alex Matsuo

A few weeks ago, I did something very daring. I buzzed about a quarter of my head. I did this a few weeks ago and I’m finally getting around to posting about it. The day I got it done, I was being a bit of a tease by saying, “Shaving my head!”

Of course, after saying that, people were freaking out. I got interesting responses and there were a few that surprised me. Those who I thought would disapprove were cheering me on, while others who I thought wouldn’t care or would be somewhat supportive, were aghast. I sort of felt like a troll in the end when I only shaved a part of my head, but it’s still a major change.

I’ve always been known for my full head of hair and my hair color. Because of the hair color thing, I’ve never dyed my hair, and the closest chemical that my hair has been exposed to is a shine treatment that I got for myself for graduation.

So on that note, my abilities to do anything really crazy with my hair have always been limited. My mother wouldn’t even let me do the colored hairspray when I was a kid in fear that I would damage my hair color. Same thing went for temporary hair dye. Never been able to do it. Do I feel like I’m missing out on something by never dying my hair? Eh…sometimes. I get jealous of those who can dye their hair black with bold colors like pink or blue as highlights. I guess that tells you what kind of style I’m into.

But anyway, when I told my mother that I wanted to shave a part of my head, she looked at me and just simply asked, “Why?” And for the first time, I was able to give an answer that made sense and was logical almost immediately. I said, “Because it’s something I want to do for me.”

This was something that I wanted to do for myself. So often I watched other people do this same hairstyle and I always thought about how cool that looked. It was so edgy, and it was a statement of self-independence and not caring about what others think. And on the plus side, it would be easy to hide at work since all I need to do is flip the hair over.

But I’m also aware of what people may think of me with part of my hair gone. They will probably see me as a punk, a hippie, a crazy kid, unprofessional, doesn’t give a f*ck about what society thinks of me (partially true), and maybe a crazy hooligan. But they only see me for a moment. They don’t see me as my friends and family see me. They don’t see the person with the full-time job and a Master’s degree. But you know what? That’s okay.

Living with the haircut for two weeks now has taught me a lot about myself. For one, I feel like I’m myself. I feel like I’ve finally fallen into my own element and for the first time in a long time, I feel like I know myself. I feel so much more confident and happy with my appearance. Not to mention, maintenance is so much easier and my head and neck don’t get quite as hot and greasy like they used to. And straightening my hair only takes a fraction of the time it used to. This is something that I’m so glad I did and I’ll hang on to this haircut for a while. I might even buzz more off now that I know this is something I like. This was a huge step for me, because I really was afraid that it would look terrible, but in the end, I love it.

Take risks. Risk failure. If you fail, you fail. But you’ll never know unless you try.

Clearly Beauty & Class Are Exterior…

February 1, 2012 Alex Matsuo

I was having a pretty good morning today. I got to sleep in for the first time in a while and I was looking forward to my relaxing morning before trekking on my day’s journey. Then I logged onto Facebook and saw a blog posted by someone I very much respect. The title of this blog post stood out to me for personal reasons…

News Editor says Tattoos are Classless and Worthless

I clicked on the link to a blog and I was a bit shocked at what I was reading. I didn’t believe someone could be that narrow-minded and judgmental to people (more specifically women) who have tattoos. Suspecting exaggeration and embellishment, and being the dramaturg/researcher that I am, I looked up the original article. Nope…The Hope Blog was dead on. As I sit and wrap my head around this article, I thought about the times I’ve shared my tattoos with friends and family. All my tattoos are located on my back. They all have a very special meaning to me. And for the first time (outside of limited profile on Facebook), I’m going to share my tattoos to the world wide web.

This was taken about 2 years ago after my “Faith, Hope, and Love” piece was completed (the bruise on the bottom is from roller derby). I got this piece to serve as a reminder to myself to never settle on people who treat me badly and to always have faith in myself, hope in myself, and most importantly, love myself. It took me years to get to this place of loving myself enough to take care of myself and standing up for myself and this is what this tattoo symbolizes. Moving on, the triquetra piece was my very first tattoo that my dad bought for me and I had it done in the Castro when I was 19 with my dad holding my hand. He also got a matching piece. I’m a Christian and my faith is important to me. Now that I’m distant from my dad, it is one of my most treasured pieces of ink. And finally, the heart clef represents my love for music. Music holds so many emotions and can be joyful, funny, cathartic, relaxing, and the list goes on. I have basic knowledge of playing the piano and guitar, and even in my simple skill level, I find a sanctuary sitting at my piano or playing a few chords on my guitar. For those of you who are curious, yes, I plan on getting more ink in the future, but I’m waiting for the right piece to come along.

Tattoos are personal choices. And frankly, tattoos are no one’s business but the tattoo bearer. There are some who do get inappropriate tattoos that are more public than other, but do not classify tattooed people in the same category. Yes, there are some who take ink too far. Yes, there are people who get tattoos while under the influence. Yes, there are people who regret their tattoos. But allow me to emphasize that not all tattooed people belong in the same bubble. Just like how other kinds of people don’t belong in the same bubble.

This article opens with, “I get it. It’s the 21st century. You’re cool, you’re rebellious, you’re cutting edge, you have a point to prove, and you’re a woman. Awesome.” I’m not rebellious, maybe I’m cutting edge, I have many points to prove (I suppose) and I’m indeed a woman (last time I checked). Were those the reasons why I got my tattoos? Heck no. Tattoos are more of personal choices and a process of self-expression involving several hours in a chair going through pain. There is a level of commitment involved when getting a tattoo that is stronger than physical, it is an emotional journey.

Lisa Khoury manages to put every woman with a tattoo under the category of being classless and worthless. While I can usually respect other opinions, especially those that I may disagree with, this one…I can not respect. When it comes to displaying a judgment against a large group of people without even considering their stories and backgrounds or even showing some hard data to back themselves up, you got to be a bit…um…classy? People are entitled to their opinions. Unfortunately, that opinion may be ignorant and ill-informed.

And her antidote for wanting to get a tattoo? Go to the mall, wear high heels, get a gym membership, improve your body…look pretty. Um, excuse me? Who even said one gets tattoos to improve their body? I don’t see my tattoos as an improvement, but as a representation of a chapter in my life and there to remind myself of my own values. And by the way Ms. Khoury, beauty and class are more than skin deep (pun intended). You my dear, have managed to prove the definition of irony by writing a classless and worthless piece of writing that not only reflects the ugliness within but also how much you don’t value yourself within by attempting to degrade and lower a specific group of women who have tattoos. Ms. Khoury, based on your definition of class, I qualify. I have a Master’s degree, I have a well-paying job that helps the community, I strive to take care of myself (mostly with the exception of eating out too much), etc. But I have tattoos. So therefore, by your standards, I don’t have class.

Ms. Khoury’s article also puts much emphasis on the exterior, “An elegant woman does not vandalize the temple she has been blessed with as her body. She appreciates it. She flaunts it. She’s not happy with it? She goes to the gym. She dresses it up in lavish, fun, trendy clothes, enjoying trips to the mall with her girlfriends. She accentuates her legs with high heels. She gets her nails done. She enjoys the finer things in life, all with the body she was blessed with.” So, women with tattoos are obviously unhappy with their body and a tattoo is an attempt to improve it. So what about all the fit ladies with tattoos? And also…high heels? Really? I’m clumsy in high heels and therefore I cannot wear them without breaking my ankles so that’s why I got a tattoo instead. Obviously. And enjoying the finer things in life? Of course classy and elegant ladies sit at home in the kitchen enjoying the finer things in life. Heaven forbid she goes out and tries to change the world with her sleeved arm. It is indeed sad that in the 21st century, we still cannot get past the gender stereotypes. The definition of class by Ms. Khoury’s standards are purely exterior and should only judged as that. This goes farther than women with tattoos. Based on Ms. Khoury’s definition of class, a woman who lives simply and doesn’t wear lavish clothing, doesn’t go to the mall, doesn’t constantly work to maintain her appearance is classless. If you’re too poor to pay for makeup, high heels, gym memberships, etc. I find her definition of class a rather selfish and superficial definition.

“I’m not here to say a girl should walk around flaunting her body like it’s her job – that’s just degrading.” Okay, then what were you describing before? What are your alternatives for shopping and getting your nails done? You seemed to have forgotten to mention that.

“So what’s more attractive than a girl with a nice body? I’ll tell you what: a girl with class. Looks may not last, but class does. And so do tattoos.” You know what’s more attractive than a girl with a nice body? A girl with class who is open-minded, strong, doesn’t judge, intelligent, and ready to take on the world in whatever capacity she can without attempting to degrade other people’s life choices.

Ms. Khoury also asks some questions at the end, which I shall answer:

“But at the end of the day, are you really a happier person?”

Yes. My tattoos are a part of me. Who exactly are you to tell anyone what can and cannot make them happy?

“Has this tattoo, for instance, caused you to learn something new about yourself? Has it challenged you?”

Yes. My tattoos are there as reminders of how far I’ve come and I’ve yet to be defeated.

“Has it led you to self-growth?”

Yep.

“Nothing comes out of getting a tattoo. You get a tattoo, and that’s it. You do something productive, though, and you see results. That’s a genuine, satisfying change in life. Not ink.” I felt extremely empowered and productive after my tattoos were finished. I felt complete and proud. I’ve never felt anything like that after shopping with my girlfriends or getting my nails done. You just look pretty like a doll, and you spend too much money. Just a thought. And why does Ms. Khoury only recommends buying a gym membership? You can work out outside for free. I do feel proud after a workout, but comparing that feeling of pride with the feeling of pride after a completed tattoo is like comparing major surgery to a scraped knee, at least for me.

I find it funny how Ms. Khoury’s definition of elegance and class are solely based on maintaining your appearance. Nothing about volunteering at the local soup kitchen, using money to give to charities instead, nothing about helping the community and those around you. Nothing there about inner beauty. Only help yourself and make sure you look nice. And what is even more ironic is that even though painted nails, trips to the gym, shopping, etc. are temporary, they are permanent rituals that must be continued in order for maintenance. Plus, Ms. Khoury compares the female body to a car in the title of her article. All my tattooed female friends are possibly the coolest, and most giving people on this earth. They think of others first before themselves. They are strong women. They are mothers, they are aunts, they are best friends, they are sisters, they are grandmothers, they are wives, they are preachers, they are volunteers, they are daughters, they are girlfriends, they are caregivers, they are teachers, they are nurses, they are rescuers, they are today’s women. Passing judgment on a tattooed woman is just about as silly as judging a woman for not having tattoos.

But I digress. There are moments where not everyone will agree with each other. This is one of those moments, and as much as I want to feel bad for The Spectrum and Ms. Khoury because they will receive an intense backlash from the tattoo world. Actually, based on the reactions I’ve seen. The backlash has already started, and it is indeed self-inflicted. And I wonder, do any of Ms. Khoury’s friends have tattoos? Are they hidden like mine?

Wouldn’t that be the ultimate kicker…if someone near and dear to Ms. Khoury were to have a tattoo and then read her article. Food for thought.

Fin.

Are We Sending Fat People Into Hiding?

January 5, 2012 Alex Matsuo

Today was a full day of errands for me. I was driving down the main road by my house with my friend and her boyfriend. We were at the stoplight and we see this large woman on her bike, donning shorts and a tank top, riding her bike across the street. She wasn’t dressed immodestly at all, and it was hot out today (welcome to San Diego in January). I saw her and I said, “Good for her. I need to get my bike out and ride to places too.” Then my friend’s boyfriend said,

“Yuck…she needs to stay in her lazy car so that no one else has to see that.”

It took every bone in my body to not tell him to get out of my car and walk the rest of the way to the grocery store. Being overweight myself, I’m no stranger to the cruel comments made towards people like me. Even though a lot of us seem to be okay, it does kind of sting. Here, my friend’s boyfriend was saying this and it made me wonder if he had ever thought that about me when I run with his girlfriend. Plus, I’m pretty active. I play roller derby, I skate, I swim, surf, (try to) skateboard, I’ve ran two 5K’s and working on my third, take dance classes and I take a walk every day. I’m a lot smaller than I used to be and I’m darn proud of myself for that. I still have a long ways to go. I’ve accomplished a lot in the last two years since I decided to live an active lifestyle and yet, I let comments like the one above, shame me into hiding on occasion. Especially if I feel bloated. The whole self-conscious issue bears it’s ugly head all over again.

We, as a society, have been taught to be prejudiced against overweight people. Especially in the realms of finding a potential mate. Now I have to preface that I am not “pro-being overweight”, I believe that each and every person needs to adapt to a healthy lifestyle and eat well in order to reach physical and mental harmony. But think about how many times we have gawked at someone who is morbidly obese, especially if they aren’t wearing proper fitting clothes. I’m just as guilty for laughing at the morbidly overweight on People of Walmart website. We could excuse ourselves and say, “Well, they were out in public like that so they should be ready for that.” I suppose this is an extreme scenario. But how many times has a person looked at an overweight person riding a scooter and think, “They need to get up and take a walk around the block a few times” while having a look on their face? And how many times has a girl been judged because she’s not a size 0? Come on now! It’s not just overweight people, it’s the issue of body image all over the place! You really want to hurt someone? Comment on their weight.

It’s the situations I have stated above that discourages some people to go into hiding and remain holed up in their homes while slowly gaining weight. I let my weight hold me back for the longest time when finally I said, “F*ck it, if people are going to judge me…I just don’t care anymore. It’s their problem.” And since I stopped caring what people think of me (for 98% of the time), I’ve lost more weight than ever, I’m more active than I was in high school and I’m much happier. Caring less about what other people think has taken care of my mind and soul and it seems as though the physical part is taking care of itself. I will no longer go into hiding out of fear that people may comment on “the fat girl running” or “the fat girl skating on the street”.

To the people who are guilty of making those hurtful comments (like my friend’s boyfriend whose remaining anonymous), stop it. What good are you doing by bullying and intentionally hurting people? It’s an obvious reflection of how you feel about yourself and shows you have a world of other issues to deal with. To those who have thought “the thoughts” but would never dare to say them out loud, start the process of changing the state of your mind. If you see an overweight person and they’re giving it their all, smile at them. If they are struggling and look like they could use a motivational ear, smile and say, “Keep going. You got this.” Who knows, your kindness could change that person’s life and help them to finally reach their goals of getting healthy.

My parting words to whoever is reading this and they’re trying to lose weight, it took me a long time to learn that weight loss starts from the inside out. Take care of your mind and soul and the rest will follow suit. I’m striving to be healthier in my every day life and losing weight is just an added bonus. Mold your mind to become stronger against negativity on your journey to be healthier and not only will you feel good about yourself, you will also be empowered.

Not to mention, if the only “negative” thing people have to say about you is your weight, you’re already a pretty fabulous person and too cool to let comments like that get to you.

Stay healthy and stay strong, my friends.