Category: Daily Life

My Legacy

Alex Matsuo

I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes me…well, me.

I’ve been thinking about how people’s perceptions of me differ from person to person.  I’ve always been one to confront directly as much as I can.  More often than not, whenever I do that, the other person doesn’t communicate and then the birdies chirp in my ear about all the horrible things that the other person has said about me.  What’s been hard for me is to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, especially if they didn’t ask for it.  But forgiveness is something that benefits both.  Living with hate in your heart only hurts yourself.  But as the ever-so-wise Dalai Lama said, it’s important to forgive but never forget.  If you forget the past hurts, then you risk repeating yourself.  So, in turn, I’ll forgive, but never forget, ya know?

I learned early on that if you have a problem with someone, it’s best to directly communicate with that person.  My friends and family and even those on the outside know that if they ever have an issue with me, my door is always open.  I learned from the best.  My mentor is the same way.  I’ve tried to live my life as he does and I try to look at life through his eyes.

I also have to accept that other people have very limited perceptions of me.  I’ve been accused of having the desire to rub elbows with certain famous people in a particular field I am in.  A part of me laughs and the other part makes me shake my head.  Being the entertainment business for so long, I’ve had the privilege of working with people who have high acclaim in the industry, and I’ve also been honored to see my own peers rise up to stardom and fame on their own.  “Rubbing elbows” with well-known people is part of my job.  It’s part of the job of my friends and peers.  It’s a part of my life.  There’s nothing to brag about because I’m not special or exclusive like that.

But if I did have the option to become famous…there’s only one department I want to acclaim fame in, and that would be the theatre.  Either an award-winning producer, playwright, director, or actress.  It’s a tall dream.  It’s a dream that has a long road ahead of me.  But hey, if I become a well-known Shakespearean actress, awesome.  But I don’t desire fame, never cared for it.  I’ve seen what it does to my friends who have become…known.  I’ve seen the transition from local, unknown friend to now everyone knows their name.  Some take it in stride, some don’t.

Maybe this is a poor way to express myself.  But you know what, I’m human.  I can be affected by negativity as much as the next person.  I’ve dealt with gossip about me before and I’ll do it again.  Like I said, I appreciate it if someone just tells me directly that I’m a conviving bitch rather than tell everyone else about it and leaving me in the dark.  If anything, that speaks more volumes about that person’s character than any kind of bad talking they can spew.

The best way to respond to hate is with love.  It’s not going to be easy, and it will be a learning process.  But I’ve learned that the only way to combat negativity and hate is with love.  No need to add fuel to the fire.  But also be aware that sometimes I may not feel like fighting back at all, and moving on and forgetting is a much better option.  I suppose it all depends on how much I want that person to remain in my life, or whether I’ll be running into them again in the future.

But anyway, this post is about my legacy right?  I work with kids and teach them theatre to pay the big bills while acting, writing, dramaturgy, etc. help supplement the rest of my income.  I’m truly blessed to be able to do what I love 24/7.  But working with kids isn’t for everyone.  They drain my life energy.  But there’s a reason why I always get a little weepy every time I’ve had to say goodbye at the end of each term.  I get attached to those little buggers.  Every time a parent approaches me and tells me how much their child has changed positively since they met me, I’m so proud of the child.  I was just a coach, a cheerleader, a helper.  Even with the kids or teens who meet me with tension and animosity, given some time, the walls break down eventually.  I don’t mind if the only memory these kids have of me is “Miss Alex was a crazy chick who taught me drama and who made me laugh.”  I’ve seen the growth in kids and teens from their exposure to the arts that has moved me to tears.

I don’t want fame to be my legacy.  I want to be able to leave a mark on people as a positive person who has helped people.  The reason I love working with kids and teens so much is because I’ve been given a wonderful privilege of changing their lives and making a positive impact on them.  For some kids, I may be the only person who accepts their hugs or their drawings.  I might be the only person to praise them for a job well done.  This translates to teenage life and adult life.  You may be the only person who has given someone a lending ear for their problems.  You may be the only person who has ever shown a person love instead of disgust.  If you want to leave a positive legacy, it starts with you.

You have the ability to change the world and leave a powerful legacy for yourself.

Now, I ask you this:  What kind of legacy do you want to leave?  How do you want people to remember you?

Leave a comment and share if you’d lie.  🙂

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KEe-dA3a4M]

The Poetic Nature of Prayer

Alex Matsuo

I grew up very religious.  Prayer was a daily routine that happened several times a day.  I went to church multiple times a week, had my Bible glued to my hip, sang worship songs, and joined numerous ministries in the process.  But about three years ago, I stopped going to church.  I lost my faith in God.  I thought I had faith; I prayed, was in ministry, etc.  People talked about the love of God.  I never experienced that “power” or that thing that moved people to tears.  I experienced the love of friendship, love of family, the love of strangers.  But I didn’t feel that supernatural love of God that I watched people experience in church.  Perhaps at that time, my perspective was extremely limited and skewed because I was young and rather ignorant.  Then an event happened in my life where I had had it.  I was being dealt a lot of bad cards in the last few years, and watched people I love get persecuted, and then finally I threw my Bible down and said, “Screw it.”

Ironically, I’ve been much happier since I walked away from the church.  I’ve met more interesting people than I ever imagined meeting.  I’ve learned about different religions and the different beliefs in God really fascinate me.  While I consider myself a Christian, because I still believe in Jesus and His love, I’ve found myself wandering trying to find God.  Trying to find this higher power that people are so touched by.

But when was the last time I prayed to talk to God?  It’s been a while.  I have become someone who has decided to make things happen for herself because faith isn’t enough.  And I’ve been more productive since having that change of mindset.  I don’t want to say that I’ve been disappointed in the God that I’ve grown up with, but in truth, I really am.  And I’m specifying the God that I’ve grown up with.  It seemed that God blessed everyone else with these wonderful things but left me with disappointment.  And being told that there was something wrong with me being the reason why I wasn’t “blessed” this same way really hurt.  I was always told to pray when I needed something or when I needed help or guidance in a tough situation, but was always left with silence and finding myself going to actual people for advice and help.  I suppose the hardcore Christian will tell me that it was God’s way of getting me the help I needed.  But then how much does God depend on our personal responsibility?

But sometimes, there are problems and battles bigger than yourself.  I’ve had my run of personal issues, accidents, medical problems, etc. but I never prayed for my survival, nor did I pray to get through the time.  I surrounded myself with loved ones, kept myself busy, did things out of the ordinary.  But in the last six months, things have happened to people I care about.  And I’ve found myself helpless to do anything about it to fix it all and make go away or make it better.

A few weeks ago, I started praying for the first time in years.

It’s ironic.  I’m such a “do it myself” kind of person and I’ve taken some pride at the ability to get things done and to help others when needed.  I admit that.  Perhaps it’s because of the fact that I’ve almost died a few times that I want to “live life to the fullest.”  But with the situations that my loved ones are in, I’ve found myself praying because there’s nothing else I can do…I can’t bring out a magic wand and make things better, and I don’t have a time machine that will turn back time so I can prevent someone from going into another country that almost killed them.  It’s weird that after being so disappointed in faith and the idea of God, that’s what I’m turning to when I have nothing left to give.

It’s rather poetic really.

This is What Happens When I’m Tired

Alex Matsuo

I guess it’s time to admit that I’m tired.  I almost lost someone I love this weekend and I’m still trying to process and deal.  I haven’t gotten much sleep this weekend so it’s leaving me a lot of time to sit with my thoughts.

I’m tired not only physically but emotionally.  I suppose this was a bad time to decide to keep my personal life private because there is a lot going on.  A part of me feels that  if people knew what’s been going on in my life, they will understand why I’m being the way I am right now.  But I hate making excuses for myself.  I hate having to compromise my own work ethic.  Life gets in the way sometimes, or more importantly life needs to be a priority.  I hate the fact that I’ve let several of my friends down these last few years.  When it comes to friendships, I’m a huge flake; I’ve been missing many birthday parties, weddings, showers, etc.  I feel so guilty about it.  And I only have myself to blame.  I put so much on my plate that by the end of the day, I’m exhausted.  I fall asleep and slumber through my alarm.

I don’t really know where my head is at right now.  I was in a mode of transition but now it looks like the dust is settling.  The dust gets kicked up from time to time but I think where I’m at right now is going to be home for a while. I’m thrilled about where I am right now.  It’s just getting used to this life.  Last year was fairly lazy.  Working and roller derby dictated my life.  But now other elements have entered my life and I’m so happy and grateful for it.

But in this new place in life has meant that some people are starting to treat me differently than they used to.  They liked me before and were comfortable talking to me about anything and everything, but now they’re closed off.  Or, the more ironic one, they disliked me and now all of a sudden they want to be best friends.  People are funny.  It’s probably why I enjoy people watching.  And at this moment, I realize how much I miss my Grandma (don’t start crying in Starbucks, Alex).  My Grandma loved people watching.  She’s been gone for almost 12 years.

I’ve dealt with a lot of loss and disaster in my life.  Probably more than a person should.  I’ve lost many friends and loved ones over the course of my life to death.  Treasure the time you have with your loved ones because you never know when something might happen to them or…worse…they’re gone for good.

Dreams From 2008

Alex Matsuo

The following paper I wrote four years ago for my audition techniques class at SDSU.  It’s funny to read it today.

Hello, my name is Alex Matsuo and I am currently a junior at San Diego State University, where I am majoring in Theatre Arts-Performance Emphasis. I grew up acting in a group called Metropolitan Education Theatre Network, lead by Alex H. Urban. In the area of acting, I went to the British American Drama Academy in Oxford last summer and there I was immersed into a conservatory setting of acting techniques and learning Shakespeare and contemporary acting. Some of the guest teachers were residents at the Royal Shakespeare Company and I got to meet Alan Rickman, Jeremy Irons, Fiona Shaw, Julian Glover, Henry Goodman and Deborah Warner. Being in Oxford and being in that intense learning environment was the best experience I have ever had in my life. It also really solidified my dream and passion of being a professional actress and singer.

Where I am now is a transition stage, as I am getting ready to graduate. The way I would describe myself physically would be redhead and overweight. I’ve never dyed my hair or have put any chemicals in it before, so my hair is a virgin. I’m only about 5’5″.  And I’m proud to be an average height. I’m not short, but most of my friends are taller than me.

Vocally is an interesting topic. I have had some new discoveries in the past year. I didn’t know I had the ability to sing any soprano part until I started taking voice lessons again. I’ve always considered myself to be an alto and not much of a belter. But as my soprano voice has grown, the stronger my mix has become. I’m really excited to be able to sing more songs. Emotionally, I’m a happy person. I tend to not handle stress well and I’m a very moody person. I’m happy where I am emotionally once I took care of the baggage in my life and learned to deal with my problems instead of drowning in them. A goal I had in my mind was to put more comedy into my life and laugh more often and it has been working.

My hopes and big dreams would be to actually make it in the Broadway world and be able to make a comfortable living doing what I love to do, in the next 10-15 years. I would love to live in New York and be able to do a show such as “Hairspray” or something by Jason Robert Brown and have my whole world dedicated to my craft and not have to worry about taking a job in a Starbucks or a bookstore.  I want to finish school at SDSU and I want to go to graduate school at either ACT or UCSD in the next 5 years. I have a few other schools that are really up there such as Yale, NYU and UCLA. I really enjoy teaching and working with kids in a children’s theatre. I love watching them grow from the beginning of the rehearsal process to closing night. It’s really fascinating and a joy to watch the process and to see how many lives are changed because someone believed in them.

Between now and 10 years into the futures, I would like to get married and have a family.  I also want to do much more traveling within that time frame.  I love taking pictures and I dream of going to Europe and backpacking while taking pictures.  All in all, I want to have an interesting life.  I want to have an acting career and a family.  How I will manage to juggle that, I don’t know yet.  I’m sure I will figure it out and cross that bridge as it comes.  For now, I’m going to keep working and dreaming so that my hopes and dreams may become a reality someday.

The Creative World That Surrounds Me

Alex Matsuo

First of all, many apologies for not keeping up with this blog.  I’ve had lots of exciting things come my way the last few months and I’ve gotten wrapped up in the whirlwind of the awesomeness.  Is that a word?  If not, I don’t care.  I’m still using it.

Recently I’ve taken notice of all the wonderful and creative people in my life.  Being involved in theatre has meant that I’ve taken for granted the fantastic creativity that my friends exhibit to the world around them.  They inspire me.  Until now, I hadn’t stopped and smelled the roses.  I stopped and really thought about and took in the fact that I’m surrounded by artistic creativity.  It’s not exclusive to just my theatre friends.  Even my non-theatre friends have some amazing creative projects happening in their lives where I just kind of stand there with my jaw dropped in awe.

Sometimes, I feel like creativity is put into a category or a bubble of sorts.  Only reserved for the artists, actors, singers, musicians, etc.  But believe it or not, there is creativity happening all around us where we least expect it.  Creativity has led to technological and scientific breakthroughs.  Creativity has provided a form of catharsis for those who think they aren’t creative.  Accept it or not, but our lives revolve around either our own creativity, or the creativity of others.  When we listen to music, read a book, look at graffiti, go to the movies, watch TV…it’s all from someone’s creative (and sometime’s corporate-centric) mind.  I meet so many people who say, “Oh I’m not creative like you.”  Or, “It’s dangerous to have a career solely based on creativity.”  I disagree and yet, agree.

“It’s dangerous to have a career solely based on creativity.”

I agree with this statement.  It is dangerous.  It’s a shame to admit it, but it is dangerous to have a career that completely depends on the quality of your talent and creativity.  It’s easy to put your creativity aside to provide for yourself and a family.  It’s necessary at that point.  Unless you’re very talented, meaning that people will pay big bucks for your work, hear you talk, and see you perform…it’s a good idea to have a plan B career so that your job can supplement your passions.  It’s partly what I do.  But I manage to find work that is relevant to my degree in a world that perceives itself as not creative.  Schools are cutting the arts program first, and it’s sad because creativity is needed for human survival.  Otherwise, people would be walking around like robots following the status quo and unable to think for themselves, let alone think outside the box.  I try to find creativity in all aspects of life, even in the science and mathematics departments (even though I’m terrible at it).  It took someone thinking outside the box, especially to come up with the scientific name, “Ytu brutus“.  It makes you wonder…how much creativity is out there and we haven’t take a moment to notice it?

“Oh I’m not creative like you.”

Well, have you ever tried?  I truly believe that everyone has a creative side that they can tap into.  It’s all about having the bravery to give it a shot, and the sense of humor to laugh at yourself if you think you look totally ridiculous.  I’m not good at painting at all, but I do it anyway…for myself.  My paintings probably won’t ever be seen by others except myself, and I’m okay with that.  Tapping into my creative side is theraputic for me.  I work through stress and emotions by singing, writing, painting, and moving my body to music (I don’t call it dancing).  I can say that I’m not as good as others when it comes to certain artistic venues, but I do have my strengths.  But there’s always going to be someone out there better than me.  And whether they are famous for their work or not, there’s always someone out there whose put in more effort and work than I have.  And you know what?  That’s okay.  I know many white collars who work corporate life by day, but then by night they put on the torn-sleeve shirts, ripped jeans, and go to band practice and write music.  The secret agents of creativity are probably my favorites.  You wouldn’t think they had this creative side until you get to know them.  It’s like meeting a superhero…I’ll admit it.  I get excited when I find out people’s creative passions and I always want to talk more to them about it.

My advice to anyone reading this:  Take a moment right now.  Yes, right now.  And think about all the people in your life.  Got it?  Okay.  Now pick a person.  Think about their creative side.  Think about what they do.  Think about how their creative work has influenced and/or inspired you.  Now, move on to another person.  Before you stop, think about yourself.  Think about what you do that is creative.  What is your creative outlet?  What do you do that you are passionate about?  What helps you escape the stresses of life?  What helps your mind to get moving?

There is creativity all around us.  We just have to remind ourselves to take a moment and enjoy the fact that we are so lucky to have a left brain and a right brain to keep ourselves creatively logical.

Till next time…

Clearly Beauty & Class Are Exterior…

Alex Matsuo

I was having a pretty good morning today.  I got to sleep in for the first time in a while and I was looking forward to my relaxing morning before trekking on my day’s journey.  Then I logged onto Facebook and saw a blog posted by someone I very much respect.  The title of this blog post stood out to me for personal reasons…

News Editor says Tattoos are Classless and Worthless

I clicked on the link to a blog and I was a bit shocked at what I was reading.  I didn’t believe someone could be that narrow-minded and judgmental to people (more specifically women) who have tattoos.  Suspecting exaggeration and embellishment, and being the dramaturg/researcher that I am, I looked up the original article.  Nope…The Hope Blog was dead on.  As I sit and wrap my head around this article, I thought about the times I’ve shared my tattoos with friends and family.  All my tattoos are located on my back.  They all have a very special meaning to me.  And for the first time (outside of limited profile on Facebook), I’m going to share my tattoos to the world wide web.

This was taken about 2 years ago after my “Faith, Hope, and Love” piece was completed (the bruise on the bottom is from roller derby). I got this piece to serve as a reminder to myself to never settle on people who treat me badly and to always have faith in myself, hope in myself, and most importantly, love myself.  It took me years to get to this place of loving myself enough to take care of myself and standing up for myself and this is what this tattoo symbolizes.  Moving on, the triquetra piece was my very first tattoo that my dad bought for me and I had it done in the Castro when I was 19 with my dad holding my hand.  He also got a matching piece.  I’m a Christian and my faith is important to me.  Now that I’m distant from my dad, it is one of my most treasured pieces of ink.  And finally, the heart clef represents my love for music.  Music holds so many emotions and can be joyful, funny, cathartic, relaxing, and the list goes on.  I have basic knowledge of playing the piano and guitar, and even in my simple skill level, I find a sanctuary sitting at my piano or playing a few chords on my guitar.  For those of you who are curious, yes, I plan on getting more ink in the future, but I’m waiting for the right piece to come along.

Tattoos are personal choices.  And frankly, tattoos are no one’s business but the tattoo bearer.  There are some who do get inappropriate tattoos that are more public than other, but do not classify tattooed people in the same category.  Yes, there are some who take ink too far.  Yes, there are people who get tattoos while under the influence.  Yes, there are people who regret their tattoos.  But allow me to emphasize that not all tattooed people belong in the same bubble.  Just like how other kinds of people don’t belong in the same bubble.

This article opens with, “I get it. It’s the 21st century. You’re cool, you’re rebellious, you’re cutting edge, you have a point to prove, and you’re a woman. Awesome.”  I’m not rebellious, maybe I’m cutting edge, I have many points to prove (I suppose) and I’m indeed a woman (last time I checked).  Were those the reasons why I got my tattoos?  Heck no.  Tattoos are more of personal choices and a process of self-expression involving several hours in a chair going through pain.  There is a level of commitment involved when getting a tattoo that is stronger than physical, it is an emotional journey.

Lisa Khoury manages to put every woman with a tattoo under the category of being classless and worthless.  While I can usually respect other opinions, especially those that I may disagree with, this one…I can not respect.  When it comes to displaying a judgment against a large group of people without even considering their stories and backgrounds or even showing some hard data to back themselves up, you got to be a bit…um…classy?  People are entitled to their opinions.  Unfortunately, that opinion may be ignorant and ill-informed.

And her antidote for wanting to get a tattoo?  Go to the mall, wear high heels, get a gym membership, improve your body…look pretty.  Um, excuse me?  Who even said one gets tattoos to improve their body?  I don’t see my tattoos as an improvement, but as a representation of a chapter in my life and there to remind myself of my own values.  And by the way Ms. Khoury, beauty and class are more than skin deep (pun intended).  You my dear, have managed to prove the definition of irony by writing a classless and worthless piece of writing that not only reflects the ugliness within but also how much you don’t value yourself within by attempting to degrade and lower a specific group of women who have tattoos.  Ms. Khoury, based on your definition of class, I qualify.  I have a Master’s degree, I have a well-paying job that helps the community, I strive to take care of myself (mostly with the exception of eating out too much), etc.  But I have tattoos.  So therefore, by your standards, I don’t have class.

Ms. Khoury’s article also puts much emphasis on the exterior, “An elegant woman does not vandalize the temple she has been blessed with as her body. She appreciates it. She flaunts it. She’s not happy with it? She goes to the gym. She dresses it up in lavish, fun, trendy clothes, enjoying trips to the mall with her girlfriends. She accentuates her legs with high heels. She gets her nails done. She enjoys the finer things in life, all with the body she was blessed with.”  So, women with tattoos are obviously unhappy with their body and a tattoo is an attempt to improve it.  So what about all the fit ladies with tattoos?  And also…high heels?  Really?  I’m clumsy in high heels and therefore I cannot wear them without breaking my ankles so that’s why I got a tattoo instead.  Obviously.  And enjoying the finer things in life?  Of course classy and elegant ladies sit at home in the kitchen enjoying the finer things in life.  Heaven forbid she goes out and tries to change the world with her sleeved arm.  It is indeed sad that in the 21st century, we still cannot get past the gender stereotypes.  The definition of class by Ms. Khoury’s standards are purely exterior and should only judged as that.  This goes farther than women with tattoos.  Based on Ms. Khoury’s definition of class, a woman who lives simply and doesn’t wear lavish clothing, doesn’t go to the mall, doesn’t constantly work to maintain her appearance is classless.  If you’re too poor to pay for makeup, high heels, gym memberships, etc.  I find her definition of class a rather selfish and superficial definition.

“I’m not here to say a girl should walk around flaunting her body like it’s her job – that’s just degrading.”  Okay, then what were you describing before?  What are your alternatives for shopping and getting your nails done?  You seemed to have forgotten to mention that.

“So what’s more attractive than a girl with a nice body?  I’ll tell you what: a girl with class. Looks may not last, but class does. And so do tattoos.”  You know what’s more attractive than a girl with a nice body?  A girl with class who is open-minded, strong, doesn’t judge, intelligent, and ready to take on the world in whatever capacity she can without attempting to degrade other people’s life choices.

Ms. Khoury also asks some questions at the end, which I shall answer:

“But at the end of the day, are you really a happier person?” 

Yes.  My tattoos are a part of me.  Who exactly are you to tell anyone what can and cannot make them happy?

“Has this tattoo, for instance, caused you to learn something new about yourself? Has it challenged you?” 

Yes.  My tattoos are there as reminders of how far I’ve come and I’ve yet to be defeated.

“Has it led you to self-growth?”

Yep.  

“Nothing comes out of getting a tattoo. You get a tattoo, and that’s it. You do something productive, though, and you see results. That’s a genuine, satisfying change in life. Not ink.”  I felt extremely empowered and productive after my tattoos were finished.  I felt complete and proud.  I’ve never felt anything like that after shopping with my girlfriends or getting my nails done.  You just look pretty like a doll, and you spend too much money.  Just a thought.  And why does Ms. Khoury only recommends buying a gym membership? You can work out outside for free.  I do feel proud after a workout, but comparing that feeling of pride with the feeling of pride after a completed tattoo is like comparing major surgery to a scraped knee, at least for me.

I find it funny how Ms. Khoury’s definition of elegance and class are solely based on maintaining your appearance.  Nothing about volunteering at the local soup kitchen, using money to give to charities instead, nothing about helping the community and those around you.  Nothing there about inner beauty.  Only help yourself and make sure you look nice.  And what is even more ironic is that even though painted nails, trips to the gym, shopping, etc. are temporary, they are permanent rituals that must be continued in order for maintenance.  Plus, Ms. Khoury compares the female body to a car in the title of her article.  All my tattooed female friends are possibly the coolest, and most giving people on this earth.  They think of others first before themselves.  They are strong women.  They are mothers, they are aunts, they are best friends, they are sisters, they are grandmothers, they are wives, they are preachers, they are volunteers, they are daughters, they are girlfriends, they are caregivers, they are teachers, they are nurses, they are rescuers, they are today’s women.  Passing judgment on a tattooed woman is just about as silly as judging a woman for not having tattoos. 

But I digress.  There are moments where not everyone will agree with each other.  This is one of those moments, and as much as I want to feel bad for The Spectrum and Ms. Khoury because they will receive an intense backlash from the tattoo world.  Actually, based on the reactions I’ve seen.  The backlash has already started, and it is indeed self-inflicted.  And I wonder, do any of Ms. Khoury’s friends have tattoos?  Are they hidden like mine?

Wouldn’t that be the ultimate kicker…if someone near and dear to Ms. Khoury were to have a tattoo and then read her article.  Food for thought.

Fin.

Are We Sending Fat People Into Hiding?

Alex Matsuo

Today was a full day of errands for me.  I was driving down the main road by my house with my friend and her boyfriend.  We were at the stoplight and we see this large woman on her bike, donning shorts and a tank top, riding her bike across the street.  She wasn’t dressed immodestly at all, and it was hot out today (welcome to San Diego in January).  I saw her and I said, “Good for her.  I need to get my bike out and ride to places too.”  Then my friend’s boyfriend said,

“Yuck…she needs to stay in her lazy car so that no one else has to see that.”

It took every bone in my body to not tell him to get out of my car and walk the rest of the way to the grocery store.  Being overweight myself, I’m no stranger to the cruel comments made towards people like me.  Even though a lot of us seem to be okay, it does kind of sting.  Here, my friend’s boyfriend was saying this and it made me wonder if he had ever thought that about me when I run with his girlfriend.  Plus, I’m pretty active.  I play roller derby, I skate, I swim, surf, (try to) skateboard, I’ve ran two 5K’s and working on my third, take dance classes and I take a walk every day.  I’m a lot smaller than I used to be and I’m darn proud of myself for that.  I still have a long ways to go.  I’ve accomplished a lot in the last two years since I decided to live an active lifestyle and yet, I let comments like the one above, shame me into hiding on occasion.  Especially if I feel bloated.  The whole self-conscious issue bears it’s ugly head all over again.

We, as a society, have been taught to be prejudiced against overweight people.  Especially in the realms of finding a potential mate.  Now I have to preface that I am not “pro-being overweight”, I believe that each and every person needs to adapt to a healthy lifestyle and eat well in order to reach physical and mental harmony.  But think about how many times we have gawked at someone who is morbidly obese, especially if they aren’t wearing proper fitting clothes.  I’m just as guilty for laughing at the morbidly overweight on People of Walmart website.  We could excuse ourselves and say, “Well, they were out in public like that so they should be ready for that.”  I suppose this is an extreme scenario.  But how many times has a person looked at an overweight person riding a scooter and think, “They need to get up and take a walk around the block a few times” while having a look on their face?  And how many times has a girl been judged because she’s not a size 0?  Come on now!  It’s not just overweight people, it’s the issue of body image all over the place!  You really want to hurt someone?  Comment on their weight.

It’s the situations I have stated above that discourages some people to go into hiding and remain holed up in their homes while slowly gaining weight.  I let my weight hold me back for the longest time when finally I said, “F*ck it, if people are going to judge me…I just don’t care anymore.  It’s their problem.”  And since I stopped caring what people think of me (for 98% of the time), I’ve lost more weight than ever, I’m more active than I was in high school and I’m much happier.  Caring less about what other people think has taken care of my mind and soul and it seems as though the physical part is taking care of itself.  I will no longer go into hiding out of fear that people may comment on “the fat girl running” or “the fat girl skating on the street”.

To the people who are guilty of making those hurtful comments (like my friend’s boyfriend whose remaining anonymous), stop it.  What good are you doing by bullying and intentionally hurting people?  It’s an obvious reflection of how you feel about yourself and shows you have a world of other issues to deal with.  To those who have thought “the thoughts” but would never dare to say them out loud, start the process of changing the state of your mind.  If you see an overweight person and they’re giving it their all, smile at them.  If they are struggling and look like they could use a motivational ear, smile and say, “Keep going.  You got this.”  Who knows, your kindness could change that person’s life and help them to finally reach their goals of getting healthy.

My parting words to whoever is reading this and they’re trying to lose weight, it took me a long time to learn that weight loss starts from the inside out.  Take care of your mind and soul and the rest will follow suit.  I’m striving to be healthier in my every day life and losing weight is just an added bonus.  Mold your mind to become stronger against negativity on your journey to be healthier and not only will you feel good about yourself, you will also be empowered.

Not to mention, if the only “negative” thing people have to say about you is your weight, you’re already a pretty fabulous person and too cool to let comments like that get to you.

Stay healthy and stay strong, my friends.

The Idea of the “Working” Artist

Alex Matsuo

I have been very blessed in the fact that I am making income from my passion.  However, there was a time where I did have to work a job that I didn’t very much care for, but it supported my passion so that I could do what I love to do.  I’m extremely lucky right now.  My job doesn’t feel like a job.  But will it last forever?  Of course not.

I am not one to turn down an opportunity if it comes my way, especially if it’s a project that I’m passionate about.  I know that there will be times where I will make no money from theatre and I’ll have to live like a starving artist.

And there will be times where I will have no opportunities in the theatre.  So what does the artist do about it?  Sit at home and wait for the next job?  I say nay to that.  If I’m not working on something, I’ll create my own.  I’ll write a play, look into producing something, sing at an open mic night, etc.  I always want to be working on something and tapping into my creative side.

What I’m saying to my fellow artists is, if you find yourself not getting work…create your own.  It will be a rewarding experience.  🙂

Reading Real Books

Alex Matsuo

I have yet to purchase a Kindle or anything that would force me to read from a screen.  There is something about holding a book in your hand, touching the pages, holding the book at weird angles in the pursuit of comfort, the smell of old books…the list goes on.

I’m sure eventually I will succumb to the fast pace of technology and buy a Kindle.  A good example would be if I were traveling for a long period of time and I didn’t want to carry a million books in my bag.  That makes sense and is logical.  But with the recent closure of Borders, I’ve been thinking, is this the downfall of books as we know it?  I certainly hope not.  Only because technology will fail us eventually and we won’t have a resource for some of the world’s greatest literature.  Plus, Kindle prices are that much different from buying the tangible book so…I don’t know…buy the actual book?

I’m a traditionalist I suppose.  I don’t want to cross over into the Kindle world yet.  I want to hang on to my paperback and hardcover books, curl up with a cup of tea, wrapped in blankets and read the night away.

Do You Know Any Japanese?

Alex Matsuo

There was a lot of excitement the past few days…the excitement is over and now it’s back to business.  Whenever I have to explain my last name, people usually will ask me if I know any Japanese.  I know very little.  If I got off a plane in Tokyo tomorrow, I’d have the look of confusion and of course would not be able to get around without a translator.  But the knowledge of the language and culture did not come from my Grandpa.  It came from my curiosity to learn about my Grandpa’s culture, but only the Japanese part and not the Hawaiian part.  He was born and raised in Hawaii so it was a bit mixed.  My great-grandfather came to Hawaii from Japan while my great-grandmother was born in Hawaii.  People will often look at me with some disappointment that I don’t know more.  A part of me would want to shout from the rooftops and say, “It’s not my fault!”  But really…does it matter?  Why should I let this question bug me so much?

This is yet another question/issue/dilemma that I address in Japanese Eyes/American Heart.  One of the characters has a line that says,

“He was Japanese in a time and place where it was not okay.  Even if you completely Americanized yourself, you were still watched, suspected, never to be trusted.“ -(Japanese Eyes/American Heart, Act I, Scene 4)

And that’s why I don’t know any Japanese.

When I was younger, I attempted to learn from a Japanese singer named Seiji Tanaka because he made covers of American songs.  It’s kind of amusing actually…his rendition of “Saturday Night” is my favorite…and I’ll end on a lighter note for this short posting:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7AyfyWREFFY]

BTW, I’m accepting artwork submissions for the play’s poster.  If you saw the first staged reading and wanted to make some artwork, contact me directly.  A few people talked to me after the first staged reading and hopefully someone is still interested.

Random Side Note:  I’ve just realized that I’ve met and worked with more well-known British actors than American actors.  I wish the United States had the same vibe as British theatre…I remember seeing my Shakespeare teacher from BADA playing a major role in “Vanity Fair”.  I’m tempted to send JE/AH across the pond and see what feedback I get since I have the connections.