Christmas time is fast approaching. For anyone who has dealt with the loss of someone they love, that loss stays with them. Because of this, grief tends to permeate harder during the holidays. Yes, there’s Christmas cheer and merriment. However, it has lately turned into toxic positivity where the grieving may feel guilty for not being festive.
Even though I’m looking for spirits throughout the year, there’s something about the holidays that just doesn’t put me in a great place.
I find myself grieving just a bit more every year. It’s another Christmas without my mom, grandma, and grandpa. I’m celebrating another Christmas after a rough year of isolation, canceled shows, canceled events, and more. People this year will be hurting more than usual because COVID-19 sucks. It’s okay to not be cheerful and to feel out those emotions.
Does this mean everyone should feel depressed during the holidays? Of course not. But if grief hits you, embrace it and feel it out. Christmas isn’t just about being positive and cheerful all the time. It’s a time to embrace all those emotions because…it’s the Christmas spirit.
Charles Dickens Felt This Way
Yes, the man who created Christmas as we knew it believed that we need to embrace the dead more than anything during the holidays. But one of these beliefs didn’t really stick to modern-day; that Christmas necessitated ghost stories. Ghost stories are not only entertaining, but they also make us reflect on our own losses and ghosts.
Did you know that in 1851, Charles Dickens lost his father, his infant daughter Dora, his sister, and his sister’s son? Yes, it was the Victorian times and death like this wasn’t uncommon. However, losing four critical members of your family in one year is a lot to deal with. Because of this tremendous loss, Dickens firmly believed that we should remember the dead during Christmas more than any other time of the year. That same year, Dickens wrote a heartbreaking essay called, “What Christmas Is As We Grow Older.” I think it’s especially appropriate for this year.
Christmas Is More than Cheerfulness
Not only did Dickens believe that we should remember the dead aggressively during Christmas, but he also believed in celebrating everything. What does this mean? It means celebrating and reflecting on not only successes but failures as well. That also includes heartbreaks, financial losses, plans abandoned, and goals unachieved. That’s a startling difference from what Christmas has become today. For me, this outlook makes more sense, and it makes me feel a bit more validated.
Since my grandma died in 2000, I’ve had this melancholy outlook on Christmas. I realized that year that she was the glue that held my entire family together. I also realized that Christmas would permanently be different. The Christmas after, I had my first devastating heartbreak. Every Christmas after, there was some devastating loss or traumatic event that seemed to damper the holidays. Since then, I always felt like I was a fraud for putting on a happy face during the holidays. Who knew I was celebrating Christmas the way Dickens intended?
Valid and Loved During This Time
This idea of completely embracing all the sides of myself during the holidays has been a challenge. It’s truly a roller coaster of emotions. I guess my reason for writing this blog is to not only tell myself but to also tell my dear readers, that it’s okay to embrace it all. You’re not a fraud for trying to fake a smile during the holidays. You’re not a grump because you’re not feeling the Christmas spirit. If anything, you are capturing the true nature of Christmas. This has truly been the hardest year we have experienced as a collective population. Grief is in the spirit of Christmas. You are valid and loved during this time.
I think one of those most beautiful, and yet sad, parts of A Christmas Carol is that Scrooge is shown shadows of his past. He is shown his broken childhood, his heartbreak, and everything that made him the person he is today. He’s faced with his hurts head-on. This was an integral part of Scrooge becoming a changed man…or in this case, healed.
