It’s been about 2.5 years since my mom passed away unexpectedly. Needless to say, life has been so much different.

What I kinda expected, but also didn’t, was that this empty feeling still remains. Growing up, you look to your parents for the answers. No one knows you better than your parents. Well, considering my father was mostly absent from my life, it was pretty much just me and Mom (and Grandma until I was 14). Once you lose that beacon in your life, especially before you turn 30…you kinda feel lost. I don’t know what direction I’m headed sometimes because I don’t have my mom to talk through my crazy ideas. Instead, I just go for the crazy ideas now. Some are good, some…not quite so much. Since I’m an only child, I also feel REALLY alone.

Being in a relationship, one that’s rather serious, I’m starting to think about the milestones I’m going to miss out on sharing with my mom; engagement, wedding, MAYBE pregnancy, motherhood, etc. I’m not going to have my mom there if and when I become a mother myself. I’ll have to ask friends and extended family, read articles, etc. I won’t have my mom there to criticize my parenting style, or even my lifestyle.

The first weekend of Avenue Q, I was really not in a great place. I left it at the door for the most part when I walked into the theatre. But opening weekends hurt a lot everytime I’m in a show. It’s another show my mom won’t see. It’s a reminder that she’s not here with me anymore. When I put on my Christmas Eve wig, I saw my mother. With other stresses that happened that week, plus missing my mom…I couldn’t stop crying for a few days. My anxiety was out of control, and I was starting to think some really dark thoughts. I go through periods where I think I’m fine, and then it just hits me like a ton of bricks. Then, it passes, and I’m fine for a while once again…the cycle continues.

For those concerned, I’m fine now. It’s just another phase of life I have to deal with.