Life Without Mom

It’s been about 2.5 years since my mom passed away unexpectedly. Needless to say, life has been so much different.

What I kinda expected, but also didn’t, was that this empty feeling still remains. Growing up, you look to your parents for the answers. No one knows you better than your parents. Well, considering my father was mostly absent from my life, it was pretty much just me and Mom (and Grandma until I was 14). Once you lose that beacon in your life, especially before you turn 30…you kinda feel lost. I don’t know what direction I’m headed sometimes because I don’t have my mom to talk through my crazy ideas. Instead, I just go for the crazy ideas now. Some are good, some…not quite so much. Since I’m an only child, I also feel REALLY alone.

Being in a relationship, one that’s rather serious, I’m starting to think about the milestones I’m going to miss out on sharing with my mom; engagement, wedding, MAYBE pregnancy, motherhood, etc. I’m not going to have my mom there if and when I become a mother myself. I’ll have to ask friends and extended family, read articles, etc. I won’t have my mom there to criticize my parenting style, or even my lifestyle.

The first weekend of Avenue Q, I was really not in a great place. I left it at the door for the most part when I walked into the theatre. But opening weekends hurt a lot everytime I’m in a show. It’s another show my mom won’t see. It’s a reminder that she’s not here with me anymore. When I put on my Christmas Eve wig, I saw my mother. With other stresses that happened that week, plus missing my mom…I couldn’t stop crying for a few days. My anxiety was out of control, and I was starting to think some really dark thoughts. I go through periods where I think I’m fine, and then it just hits me like a ton of bricks. Then, it passes, and I’m fine for a while once again…the cycle continues.

For those concerned, I’m fine now. It’s just another phase of life I have to deal with.

Repression is a Funny Thing

fake-smileIt’s been about 6 or so weeks since my mother died, and I’m already back to my usual activities; work, writing, radio, etc. Am I ready to be back? I don’t know. All I know is my bills have to be paid, kitties need to be fed, and I have to keep a roof over my head. Unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury to take a lot of time off from my job(s) or commitments at the moment, which means I’ve had to repress much of my grief. If the tears come while I’m in public, I’ve had to find a way to repress them and stop them from flowing. I have to keep a happy persona at all times when on the clock, lest I offend someone or I do something wrong that can jeopardize my job. In doing all of this, I’ve realized that I’m starting to dehumanize myself. The tears are inconvenient, but when there is a convenient time, I can’t get myself to cry. In fact, I can’t get myself to feel anything anymore, sometimes neither positive or negative. That honestly scares me. I don’t feel like I can grieve anymore, and I have to shut myself off. There’s still so much that has to be done in wrapping up my mother’s affairs that I can’t afford to stop and cry, or I’ll lose time. I’ll lose the ability to get done what has to get done.

The result of my actions has led me to become extraordinarily exhausted. I feel like I’ve sprinted a 10K (I’ve actually run a 10K in my life, so I know how exhausting they can be), and my brain can’t function. All I can do is stay in bed all day. Then my apartment gets neglected, litter boxes aren’t changed, there’s no food in the fridge, and my writing doesn’t get done. How are we able to function while we’re grieving the death of a parent?

Any emotions I do feel are anger. If I didn’t get ill, I wouldn’t have had to take an unpaid leave of absence, and I could have spent one last Thanksgiving and Christmas with my mom. The last holiday I spent with my mom was Easter of 2014. I honestly now resent all those circumstances because it robbed me of precious times with my mother. Anger and numbness. That is my life right now. And I feel so powerless and helpless in trying to change that because I keep repressing.

Honestly? I’m scared that this will be my life from now on. And I no longer have the support of my mother because…well, she’s dead. I used to talk to her about all of these issues. She would bring me back to reality after listening to my problems because she was the one who knew me best. I don’t have that….I don’t have that. I. DON’T. HAVE. THAT. ANYMORE.