My Opinion on Beauty Pageants as a Plus Size Woman

This may come across as a surprise, but I love watching beauty pageants. From Miss USA to cheering on my friends in the local pageant scene, I’ll support my friends and the incredible women that grace the stage. Organizations like Miss USA and Miss America have come a long way since they started. But they still have a long way to go. Are these pageants perfect? Definitely not.

When I reveal to people that I watch pageants, I’m usually looked at with a decent level of shock. Why am I interested in something that is unaccessible to me? The short version of my explanation is that they’re fun. We’ll get into the long version of my story in a moment. I’m hopeful that pageants will continue to evolve, since I’m all for pageants where all the contestants are behind a curtain and they’re judged on merit.

Do I have an issue with the common criticisms? You bet. For example, the ever-so-popular argument:

They judge women based on appearances

Um…doesn’t the rest of society? Pageants are a reflection of society. You make first impressions and judge others every day. It’s in our nature. People judge others for their hair, their clothes, their life choices, the list goes on. Of course theses pageants judge on appearances because that is what we have become as a society.

If we’re going to go based on the judgement of appearances, then we also can’t ignore how plus size people, such as myself, are treated by mainstream society, in the workplace, hell…just going out in public. As a society, we judge by appearances varying from body type, what we wear, etc.

If you are withholding support from beauty pageants based on this, and yet you’re watching Disney movies and worshipping princesses…pot meet kettle. For the life of me, I will never understand this argument. If you’re only hating on beauty pageants, and yet supporting other areas of society where not all women are accepted, then maybe it’s not this particular argument that is bothering you, and there’s a deeper resentment going on here.

Here’s the thing I will never stand for, and that is using my weight and my position as a plus size person to try to pigeon-hold me into agreeing with you. That’s wrong and manipulative.

But as I said, pageants aren’t perfect. There is still a certain body type that is only accepted on that stage right now when it comes to mainstream pageants. Yes, we have plus-size beauty pageants, but also consider we have plus-size clothing stores. Shouldn’t I be happy and satisfied with that? Not in the least. Until women of all shapes and sizes are on that stage, SHARING the stage, will we arrive to a new era of beauty pageants.

What is promising is that the Miss North Carolina USA pageant had a woman with a disability (and in a wheelchair) on that stage, and you bet I was cheering her on. Miss America is saying goodbye to its swimsuit competition (although who says bigger women can’t wear a swimsuit?).

They are archaic

Okay, I’ll give you this one. Beauty pageants are outdated, and if they are going to continue to exist, they will have to evolve in the next few years.

More than Pageants

But we can’t place all the blame on pageants for becoming what they are today. We have to look at other non-pageant venues, like clothing stores that even have a size 18. But they won’t accomodate a size 26.

Torrid is great if you can afford it. Walmart doesn’t always carry bigger sizes on a regular basis (and I live in the South). No chance on Target. I’m lucky if I catch Ross or Mervyn’s on a GOOD day. Not every plus size person can afford Torrid, not everyone who is plus size has the financial privileges.

But I won’t stop watching Disney because they lack plus size presence, nor will I stop watching Miss USA (I’m not a fan of Miss America because of other politics right now). The fact that a woman with a disability made it this far in Miss NC USA shows there’s strides being made.

I can’t even shop in store at Old Navy and I have to go online. I can’t shop at most stores. Thin privilege is a thing. People look at thin people and they automatically pass the society test. Obese people, especially morbidly obese people, do not. That’s just a given. I and many others are working to absolve that.

There are plus size pageants and LOTS of them. Do they have the air time of Miss USA or Miss America? Nope.

So before going after pageants, make sure you have enough stones for:

  • Disney (no plus size princess or prince yet)
  • The film industry (a romantic comedy where weight and looks aren’t a punchline if a plus size person falls in love)
  • Theme park rides
  • Clothing industry
  • Sports industry
  • Any NFL cheer and dance team
  • Majority of news stations (plus-size female anchors are slowly becoming a thing)

These are just to name a few.

I will celebrate these incredible women, and hope that one day that someone plus size will grace that stage in the next 20 years (it’s going to happen).

Did I say these organizations were perfect? Nope. Do they have room to make changes and make some progress? Hell yes, and they have a long way to go. But are they open to change? Yes. Will it happen immediately? Nope.

Feminism vs. Beauty Pageants: A Middle Ground?

As a fellow feminist, I’m also aware that women can make choices to go into whatever hobby or career they want to, whether it’s sex work, beauty pageants, law, etc. It’s fantastic that women can make these choices in these professions that have greatly evolved in the past 50 years. The fact that a woman with a disability made it this far in a mainstream pageant is great. A little girl, who is also in a wheelchair, can see herself represented. And I’m fairly confident that a plus size girl will also grace that stage in the next 20 years on national TV.

I think pageants are harmless for the most part, when compared to reality shows that depict women as nasty and dependent. It’s harmless compared to how plus size women are portrayed in the entertainment industry, especially fashion.

I won’t stop watching Disney because they lack plus size presence, nor will I stop watching Miss USA (I’m not a fan of Miss America because of other politics right now). The fact that a woman with a disability made it this far in Miss NC USA shows there’s strides being made.

Speak your mind: What do you think of beauty pageants?

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Why This Fat Chick Is Wearing a Two-Piece Swimsuit

From the time I was little, I was always aware that I was overweight. Well, that’s what it was called when I was younger. Today, I look back at photos from the time and thought, “I really wasn’t fat.”

As my body grew and changed, I knew I had to cover up my thighs, my arms, and my stomach because “No one wants to see that.”

I’ve never worn a two-piece swimsuit that exposed my stomach. I have always wanted to because I wanted to know what it felt like to be completely out there with my body.

To be completely present with myself and my body.

Origin Story

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

My mom put me in figure skating in my elementary school and middle school years. I wasn’t as thin as the other figure skaters. I was always getting second place at skating competitions, and my mom told me that they didn’t give first place to “fat girls.”

After figure skating, I discovered theatre. When I decided to become an actor, I became hyper-aware of what my body looked like. I could tell you what my chin was doing when I spoke a monologue. I can tell you what part of my body jiggled when I sang.

This inhibited me as a performer. I couldn’t move like I wanted too because I didn’t want to look “fatter.”

Even with all of the dance classes I took to be more comfortable with my body, it only intensified what I already knew about myself; I was fat. 

Growing up, I was bigger than the other girls in my dance classes. And I wasn’t as thin as the other girls in my acting classes. 

In elementary school, I had a bully who called me “Fatsuo.” The crazy thing was that she was shorter than me. She was tiny. I could have stood up to her like a force.

But I didn’t.

She only validated what I was told every day by others around me. After my physical for cheerleading, the first thing my Mom looked at was my weight. I can still hear her voice in shock saying, “One-eighty?!?!” I weight 180 pounds at 14. But I had just come from years of ice skating, working out every day, and eating a reduced-calorie diet. I was a size 12 and doing it right. I had a lot of muscle. But it’s all a numbers game. I looked at the number on the scale instead of my measurements.

At one point, my father force-fed me broccoli and took away my cup so I couldn’t chase it down with water. Of course, weight was always a conversation peppered in with gym visits. My identity was surrounded by diet and exercise. It was like I wasn’t a person because I was overweight. I wasn’t his daughter yet, because I was overweight. It went against his healthy physique and lifestyle.

Bad Solutions

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

In middle school and high school, I went through years of yo-yo dieting, eating disorders, binging, throwing up, starving myself, water fasts, Hollywood juice cleanse…the list goes on. I did a lot of damage to my body to fit the mold I felt obligated to be a part of.

In college, I remember my Mom did a Google search on me and found a comment from one of my classmates on MySpace. He was responding to a photo of a morbidly obese woman that was posted in his comments. He said something to the effect of, “If you ever post a photo of Alex Matsuo again…”

Instead of sympathizing with me, or just keeping it to herself, my Mom called me and told me off. Apparently, Bobby was in the right, and this was my fault because I was overweight.

Today, I’m paying for that damage to my body. 

Had I been able to enjoy myself and enjoy my body at the weight I was at, who knows what I would have weighed today. 

What I would give to weigh 180 again and fit in a size 12.

The Cocoon

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

I also used my fatness as a defense mechanism. It was like a protective cocoon that made me feel safe. I was safe from the hurt, abuse, and any threats to my wellbeing. After going through physical trauma in my teen years and early twenties, my weight was a comfort instead of being who I was.

The only boyfriend that ever had a problem with my weight was always comparing me to his ex-girlfriends and how much skinnier they were. He actually convinced me to join Jenny Craig, and I had to report my weigh-in results to him. When he broke up with me twice, I was devastated. I had made so many sacrifices to fit into his definition of what beautiful was as a condition of our relationship. It broke me.

In defense of my Mom, it seemed that having a fat daughter was one of the worse things she could have. I don’t think she believed it, but I think she was so wrapped up with what other people thought of her, or what one man thought of her, she must have thought she failed somehow because I was overweight. Don’t get me wrong, my Mom loved me and she was very proud of me. She grew up extremely insecure about her body as well. A certain man didn’t help with her confidence either because he made comments about her body that destroyed her self-esteem. She wouldn’t ever move on from them.

I love my Mom dearly. I think a lot of how she treated my weight struggle was from her own experience with her own weight as she was navigating through her life. She didn’t want me to go through what she had to go through. She didn’t want me to feel the rejection and pain she felt. I’m so sad she felt so inhibited to open herself up to someone she loved because of a few cruel words. That was the turning point of my life.

Lessons Learned

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

That stuck with me. I’ve been with wonderful men and women since who reminded me that I was beautiful. We were in awe of each other. My relationships since the “Jenny Craig Ex” were beautiful. I’ve met and connected with extraordinary people in my life who didn’t see past the fat, they saw my fat as a part of me, which was beautiful. Why couldn’t I see myself in that way?

One day, I took off all of my clothes, and I looked at myself in the mirror.

This was me.

Even with all the angled selfies and different styles of clothes to try to hide my fat, this was who I am. This was what people saw all the time. People still cared about me…they accepted me for who I am.

So, why couldn’t I do that for myself? I didn’t want that mindset for the rest of my life.

Looking Forward with Fat

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

As I mentioned, I’m now paying for all I put my body through. Even as my body continues to change because of hormones and medication, I’m celebrating the person I am right now. If I don’t fall in love with my body now, I may never get a chance to. I’m eating healthier than I ever have in my life. I exercise and slowly falling in love with it. 

Guess what? Still fat. So it’s who I am right now. Not every plus-size person is overweight because of food. It’s going to be a slow process. But instead of trying to lose weight, I’m trying to be healthy.

Probably the most incredible thing happened; once I started truly loving myself and my body, I started eating better for my health’s sake…not for the number on the scale. I want to keep my blood sugar in the normal range, so my eating habits reflect that. 

So, if someone has an issue with my double chin or my flabby arms…oh well. That is their issue and not mine.

Just because someone is uncomfortable with my body, it is not my obligation to change myself for their peace of mind.

To mark this new mindset, I decided to do something I had never thought of doing at my current weight.

Wear a two-piece swimsuit. 

I’m no longer going to cover up my arms for anyone. And I’m going to wear that two-piece swimsuit and show off a bit of stomach for this last bit of summer.

If anyone has an issue with that, you’re welcome to look the other way.

I’ll be over here having the time of my life.

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography