Facebook Has a Harassment Problem

September 18, 2019 Alex Matsuo3 Comments

When did the social media giant become the enabler of harassment?

I’ve been on Facebook for over a decade now. I’ve seen watched it evolve from “The Facebook” in college to what it is today. I remember freshman year of college when my friend told me how I needed to join this awesome website. I remember I had to use my college email to sign up and I was able to reconnect with my friends from high school who had moved out of San Diego for school. I look back at some of my first posts thanks to Facebook Memories and cringe at how cringey my 19-year old self was.

But now, I cringe for another reason. After my swimsuit pics went live on my Facebook profile and page, friend requests started flooding in. Thrilled, and after looking carefully at each profile making sure they were real people, I went through the accept and decline process. It didn’t take long to get the hang of it.

It was only a matter of time before the harassing messages started coming in. I had men messaging me filthy things, asking me for pics of my private parts, and then threatening me if I didn’t oblige. I have also been sent countless photos and videos that I can only describe as pornography and dick pics. Obviously, the block button was used. And the messages were reported. The profiles were reported.

Guess what? These guys still have profiles. They are still messaging unsuspecting women photos of their privates and messaging them threats of sexual assault and rape. They still have active accounts and profiles. Let that sink in. Facebook also doesn’t give you reports on what happened to the message you reported. It’s like it disappears into an abyss of identical reports, never to be checked or followed up on. Facebook seems to selectively decide what derogatory comments and posts stay up.

Ironically, Facebook took down a screenshot of a censored dick pic I had posted on the offender’s timeline, saying it violated their community standards. But they didn’t take down the original post the offender made on my profile, nor did they do anything about the dick pic he sent me. So, is Facebook is willing to protect the offenders but not the victims? I can’t tell you how many reports I’ve filed on Facebook in the past few months. I can guess that the number is well over the triple digits. I’m not alone. Ever since I started sharing (censored) screenshots of the messages I’ve been receiving, hundreds of women have reached out to me to share their own experience and how this is a regular occurrence for them. This is absolutely unacceptable.

What is interesting is that I don’t have the same experience on Instagram or Twitter. When I report, the offender’s account is gone in a matter of hours. I know others have had differing experiences, so maybe I was just lucky. As noted in my blog, You Should Be Grateful for the Attention, there was a convicted pedophile who had his profile up for weeks after it was reported for sending unsolicited derogatory photos. His criminal record is accessible, and there were reports sent in about his harassment of women…and yet, Facebook dragged their heels on this.

I get it…going through these reports have to suck. But it’s necessary. At this point, Facebook is merely slapping the wrists of these people, which empowers them to continue doing what they’re doing. Social media is already becoming a cesspool of negativity thanks to people using their keyboards as a security blanket. If an offender flashed someone on the street, they would be arrested. In most cases, we have a name and a location for these offenders, and yet there are no consequences. Because there are no consequences, the behavior continues in this vicious, sick cycle. It must stop.

It has to stop.

“You Should Be Grateful for the Attention”

September 15, 2019 Alex Matsuo2 Comments

Trigger Warning: Rape, sexual assault

Bill Maher is in the headlines for more insensitive comments, this time against overweight people. His idea of how “fat shaming needs to make a comeback” as a way to combat the growing obesity epidemic isn’t a solution. It’s perpetuating an ongoing issue that fat people need and deserve to be bullied and harassed.

Last month, I was thrilled to take photos in a two-piece swimsuit. I got some amazing feedback and responses from other people who could relate to my story, were also victims of fat-shaming, and felt uncomfortable in their bodies. I was sent hundreds of photos of people in their own crop tops, two-piece swimsuits (or shirtless swimsuits from the fellas), and other revealing styles while thanking me for inspiring them to take that step.

There was another response that I had anticipated, but I was caught by surprise at the sheer volume of it all. I had men messaging me, and let’s just say what they had to say wasn’t rated G. I think I’ve received more unsolicted pics of men’s junk that I ever did while I was the dating scene. My inbox was blowing up to the point I had to uninstall Facebook Messenger. When this happened, I usually blocked and reported the offenders.

What surprised me was that the men who sent me photos of their genitals still had their Facebook profiles up. I even received reports back from Facebook that the message didn’t violate their “community standards.” I’m sorry, what? What was truly troubling that one of the senders was a convicted child rapist. Like, he was on the national offender registry for sexual assault against a child. It took almost a month for his profile to be taken down.

There were other men who had sent me photos, and I would go to their profiles to see that they had done similar, and to minors, as noted in the comments on their public posts. People are trying to report these profiles to Facebook, and when the social media giant fails to remove the profiles, people are taking to the comments to publicly declare the bad behavior (with screenshots).

I thought I reached my threshold of being shocked, I was then told that I needed to be grateful that I was getting all of this attention from men because fat girls like me don’t get “compliments” like these often. It’s like, because I’m overweight, that I need to just take the harassment and accept it. Not only that, but I’m also supposed to enjoy it? No. Actually, hell no. I know this isn’t an issue exclusive to overweight people. It’s definitely a problem within humanity.

Because I’m an analytical person, I also looked at the types of people that were harassing me. What I found interesting was that these folks were geographically in similar locations (small town America), they were typically men who were not college-educated, and they were conservative. They also had the same empty look in their eyes, and their posts indicated that they likely used illicit subtances. I don’t want to draw stereotypes, because I was harassed by a few wealthy executive-type men. This behavior isn’t exclusive to a single type of income, personality, etc.

I will admit that I found this response overwhelming because it brought back a lot of memories of being sexually assaulted. The men who hurt me told me that I needed to just appreciate and be grateful for the experience because no one else would give me this attention or want me in this way…because I was fat. When I reported my rape, I wasn’t taken seriously because surely no one would do this to a fat girl.

I find these days, being complimented on my appearance makes me cringe. I would almost prefer to be called names in regards to my fatness. Sure, the compliment-giver may mean well, but when I don’t know the person and I can’t gauge intention, I am reluctant to even say, “Thank you.”

I had to make a decision as to whether or not I wanted to continue my social media presence. I had to make a decision on how to respond to these messages and whether or not I still wanted to “call out” the men that were harassing me and sending me inappropriate photos. My method isn’t perfect. I pick and choose which ones to respond to. Most of these messages are being ignored, the sender blocked and reported, and I move on.

Today, I’m still troubled by how my assault was handled. The fact that I was told to appreciate and be grateful for the assault because it would be the “only time a man would touch me” was almost as bad as the assault itself, if not worse. What is even more troubling is watching the segment Bill Maher recently recorded and said that fat shaming needed to make a comeback. Again, it opens the issue of how just because someone is overweight, they need to be subjected to bullying and abuse because it will help them. This is only adding more poison to the mindset that justifies the rape of an overweight girl and the harassment of a human being on the street. It needs to stop.

It needs to stop NOW.

Making Friends As An Adult

August 26, 2013 Alex Matsuo

So…since moving to Raleigh, I’ve learned something huge. Making friends as an adult isn’t quite as easy as one might think. In San Diego, I had friends from church, high school, college, work, and doing shows. I am a pretty social person, so the culture shock of moving to Raleigh and being stripped of a social life in the physical world was a big overwhelming at first.

Luckily, I actually had a few friends from college who lived in Raleigh so I had some social time with them. But I still had the life of a loner and I was (and still am) very homesick.

I did a few things to cope with the loneliness:

I called my friends.

I can’t tell you the last time I actually picked up the phone and called a friend. With the world of texting, it’s turned into a cop-out when it comes to communication. I can’t tell you the feeling of hearing familiar voices and actually talking, and using verbal communication. For the first time ever, I’m living alone in my own place and I never actually thought about whether I opened my mouth to talk or not. I live in my head and don’t talk to myself out loud, I think I unintentionally took a vow of silence one day.

I wrote letters and postcards.

I took a piece of paper or a postcard and I wrote to some friends. With the world of email, texting, and messaging, this is a practice that’s on its way to becoming lost. There’s something about sitting and writing with a pen or pencil a letter to a friend. It was rather pleasant really.

I didn’t forget the friends I have already

It wasn’t until now that I fully appreciate the social networking ease that is Facebook. I think I chatted more in the last three months than I ever have in the time that I’ve been on Facebook. If you’re feeling lonely or need some interaction, a quick hello on Facebook can do wonders.

But what did I do to start making new friends?

I started auditioning.

Even if I wasn’t right for the show, I went and auditioned for any play, film, or musical I could find. I needed to start making my face known in the theatre

community anyway, and if I booked a show, I’d be spending a substantial amount of time with these individuals. I did get cast in a show (yay!) and I’m having a blast.

Get involved in areas that are familiar to you. Whether it’s wine, gardening, working out, etc. go out and get involved.

I joined a social networking site for friends and dating.

Okay, it’s a step above Craigslist (I haven’t been able to cross that line yet), butI’ve actually met some

pretty cool people through a few websites. If anything, having a beer with a stranger makes you learn about others and yourself. Of course, I was guarded and had to use a fly swatter to get away from the creeps, but that’s real life anyway. 😉 But crazy thing: There are websites for friendships now. No longer do people have to go through dating websites just to make new friends.

Joining Meetup

Meetup.com is a pretty cool website where you search for meetup groups based on hobbies, interest, and lifestyle. I’ve actually made some acquaintances who I socialize and spend time with outside of the Meetup group. Do I dare call them friends? I think so.

Work

Probably the place where you’ll spend most of your time and where you’ll interact with people on a regular basis. I’m blessed in the fact that the people I work with are awesome, along with being very loving and welcoming.

I became the neighbor Mr. Rogers would be proud of

Living on the second floor and working odd hours, I happen to run into my neighbors often. Instead of my usual keeping my head down and just walking by, I keep my head up now, smile, and say hello. One of my neighbors helped me with my groceries the other day, and he also happens to be a cop. The community I live in also has social events, and while I skipped the last one, I’ll go to the next one.

Enjoy the downtime

This was probably the most difficult one for me to swallow. Getting the chance to sit back and enjoy the quiet and enjoy the downtime has turned into something very special. Going out or talking to someone every day and evening was something I’ve done for years, and the only downtime I really had was sleeping. Rarely did I ever put time aside for my own spiritual well-being and took time for myself.

Okay, maybe this isn’t the best how-to on making friends, but it’s a start. If you just moved to a new city where you don’t know anyone, you’re not going to make much progress just sitting at home and doing nothing. Don’t be afraid of going out by yourself. Making new friends in a new town is all about getting out there and reaching out.

Making new friends and putting yourself out there all over again is scary. It reveals a vulnerable part about yourself, and if you were a social butterfly in your old element, it’s even scarier to have to start over. I miss my friends back home dearly. But I’m also very grateful for the people I’ve met here in Raleigh and look forward to seeing what new adventures await.

Awareness

May 14, 2011 Alex Matsuo

This has been a thought that has been on my mind for the last two weeks. I was in a meeting with some people discussing an upcoming production, just to watch. I was a guest in the room so I was keeping to myself and observing the people around me. That was when I saw it: a bug. It looked like a hybrid between an earwig and a tiny spider. It was gross. It was crawling across the table in front of me. I was still listening to a donor boast about their recent donation to the arts, but my mind was fixed on the creature ahead of me. The woman who was sitting where the creature was didn’t even notice it. It began to crawl on her thermos. Still, nothing. She didn’t notice. I became fascinated. Wasn’t she aware that there was a creepy hybrid creature crawling on her thermos? Instead of saying anything, I just sat there and wondered how long it would take her to notice the creature. The creature has proceeded to crawl on her FINGER, up the arm and now it was on her shoulder. I suppose I should have said something by now but I figured, if she hadn’t noticed the bug by now, it was her own fault. The creature crawled onto the chair, through the carpet and found a hole in the wall to escape through. See? No harm done.
After that little experiment, I began to observe around me the awareness of other people. The digital age has made it much worse. Since our cellphones have come to the point of controlling our cars and the alarm systems in our homes, why would a person look up from their phone? Why bother to refrain from texting while we are driving? Why refrain from answering a phone call on a date? I’m guilty of the above situations I’ve mentioned (except for the date scenario). I admit it. But now I’m aware I do it.
Hey, I can see my house on Google Maps!
Then another event happened that reminded me of the awareness topic. A friend of mine just recently had a baby, and there were no photos yet of the new little one. Eager friends started posting on her wall for pictures of the new baby. I sort of giggled at the situation because I knew eventually there would be pictures and since childbirth isn’t necessarily the most relaxing experience, she would be busy and I would see this bundle of joy eventually. I sarcastically and jokingly stated on a wall post, “It isn’t like she’s busy with a newborn or anything.” To which one of the mom’s replied, “ok…I realize that they are busy with a newborn…but this is 2011 and everyone has a camera on their phone…take a pic and then when you have a sec…I don’t know grabbn a cup of coffee or something…” I didn’t quote the entire passage just because it includes the baby’s name, etc. ANYWAY, this made me laugh because I really believe someone needs to invent the sarcasm font so that there isn’t misunderstandings. But then I returned to my serious self and began to think about 2011 and the idea of technology. Is it at our service, or are we really its slave?
Since when do we have to upload pictures and update our hundreds of friends on our daily lives? Some people are becoming just as bad as spammers with the constant bugging for updates on life, posting their statuses every hour, etc. Spammers are easier to deal with because I can just delete the email. 🙂 And since when did our lives revolve around Facebook? Goodness, you can even update your MySpace with Facebook now. You can update your Facebook from your car! Since when did Facebook become the dictator of our personal lives? When did the Internet become so invasive? I’m talking to you Google Maps, Spokeo, BeenVerified.com and WebMii…just to name a few. I supposed back in the day before computers, one could visit the library or the office of public records and try to find the same information. But the internet has made it easier.
I know what you’re going to say, “But Google Maps makes it so much easier to get to places now!” or “I can stay in touch with people from elementary school!”
Here’s what I think…I’ll pick on Facebook for a second. Facebook makes us lazy when it comes to communication. It’s an ironic statement. But think about it. I don’t have to call my best friend in Oklahoma to find out what’s new in her life. I can go to Facebook, and she can go to my Facebook. But she’s awesome and I enjoy talking to her so I call her anyway. But what about my more casual friends? How many times have we skipped a long story by saying, “Just check my Facebook.”? I have about 1001 friends. I’m a little disgusted at myself. I know about half of them thanks to my line of work and my various activities in my personal life. But why that many friends? And you know someone is completely done with you when they DELETE you from their friends list, oh my! And Facebook pretty much gives permission to crazy moms to update the world with TMI worthy postings about their babies…fondly made fun of on my favorite website, STFU, Parents.
If I remember correctly, Skynet became self-aware on April 19th, 2011.
Our phones are smarter than us. We use them for directions, for information, for pictures, etc. What did we do before we had cellphones? I know it’s crazy to even think back to before we had cellphones or even back to the “trendy” Nokia phones with their gray and black pixelated screen with the coolest game on the planet…Snake. Cellphones have come a long way since I was an undergrad in college. I’m 25 so it wasn’t even that long ago! And with cameras on cellphones, goodness gracious! My Newsfeed is filled with photos of meals, drunken nights in the clubs, people tanning at the beach, or self-portraits in the bathroom.
Technology is out of control, in my most humble opinion.
I’m presenting a challenge to myself, and I invite you to join me if you’re up for it. I’ll start in baby steps. Update your status once a day. Post one link a day…maybe more if the material is either hilarious or absurdly profound. Only take pictures of incredibly awesome and rare moments (so no pictures of your lunch, or of you drunk in the club).
They don’t call it a challenge for nothing.
But anyway, back to my title…Awareness. Because of these cool new gadgets, it makes us even more unaware of the world around us and our surroundings. And these gadgets are combining forces which makes them even more powerful. And we keep feeding the machine. We would rather risk getting into a car accident by answering a text immediately. Something is wrong.
Now I shall depart so I can post this link on Facebook. Ah…the cycle continues.