Responsibility

July 5, 2014 Alex Matsuo

Well, first of all: Shame on me. It’s been 5 months since I’ve updated this blog. But I’m happy that it’s still getting a ton of traffic for my Shakespeare posts (now I know what the audience really wants).

Anyway, now to catch you all up to my life as I know it thus far. Wild Party opened and closed, and it was a great show to be a part of. I made some wonderful new friends and connections in the Raleigh theatre community. I also decided to start doing a podcast for the theatre community in the Triangle area. I’ve been slowly collecting interviews and I hope to debut the podcast “Triangle On Stage” in August.

Speaking of shows, I’m a part of the cast of Xanadu at North Raleigh Arts and Creative Theatre and will be playing in September. If you’ve ever seen the original god-awful movie with Olivia Newton-John, you probably know that the musical is all camp and overall just fun. I’m really excited to be a part of the show and so far the rehearsal process has been all smiles. Plus, I get to bust my skates out again!

So, let’s get to business. I’ve gone through a whirlwind of a year since moving to Raleigh on June 1st, 2013. My life has changed in many unexpected ways. While initially it may have seemed like the events of last year were the worse thing to have ever happened to me, looking back…I feel like I might now understand what the Universe (or God) was trying to do.

Anyway, I’ve really been working on “me”, specifically when it comes to forgiving myself and taking responsibility for my actions of basically my entire life. I had a wise friend who gave me a heart to heart, because even after things calmed down, I still wasn’t all that happy. This friend told me that I needed to start taking responsibility for my actions in why I wasn’t happy. Of course, hearing this was at first very startling and doesn’t seem like the right thing to say to someone who was having an emotionally difficult time. But the reason being is that, I was living like a victim. And thus, it was a perspective that didn’t give me any control over my life. My life, my choices, etc. are all related to where I am exactly now. The important thing I needed to do was to take responsibility for my actions that I had control over, and then forgive myself. Interestingly enough, once I started forgiving myself, it was easier to start forgiving others.

The other part of this was also acknowledging where I didn’t have control, and to let certain things go, and to not continuously revisit the painful chapters. In the case of my stalker, it was a time where I let him make me feel like I was powerless and I lived in fear for several months before finally taking him to court to get the restraining order, which was granted because he waived his right to a hearing and consented to my testimony in court. I cried when that happened…it made me reconsider my relationship with God because I felt as though He finally threw me a bone. I would never wish what I went through with my stalker on my worst enemy. It was a frightening and awful experience that still leaves me looking over my shoulder all the time.

When I look at the people who wronged me today, I just feel sad for them and my heart goes out to them. I feel sad for the people who still hold grudges and post passive-aggressive messages knowing that it will do nothing to head towards a resolution. But, these are all doors that I’m in the process of closing. Looking back just leads to reopening those wounds and revisiting the pain on a regular basis, and I can’t do that to myself anymore. Do I hope for a resolution in the future? Of course. But I’m not going to tear myself apart anymore because it’s not happening.

And that’s taking responsibility by taking care of myself, and for the first time ever, doing things to help place myself on the road to genuine happiness. I have a job that I love, I have wonderful friends that I’ve made since moving here, I’m in a show and doing what I love, and I got the apartment of my dreams. I can’t really complain right now, but I also don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch because life always has that way of reminding you to appreciate the little things in life like having a roof over your head and food in your stomach. Basically, I’m enjoying life right now and not taking it for granted. Why?

Because it’s my responsibility to do so as a member of the human race.

Boxes of the Past

January 26, 2013 Alex Matsuo

I had to go through some old boxes of mine that were sitting outside of my house. The rain finally took over and the wind was strong enough to knock the boxes over so it was time to go through them to see if they’re worthy of bringing inside the house.

It probably took about an hour. It’s a wet and cloudy Saturday here in San Diego, and my interest was more delved into staying indoors while watching figure skating and eating chili. But alas, I went through the boxes. During the experience, I freaked out about spiders, dirt, and wet soggy cardboard. But miraculously, my belongings remained dry and untouched.

I found jewelry, photos, books, all these things that are a part of me and my history. It’s weird to say, but this whole experience helped me find myself again. I think I took people’s perceptions of me to establish my current identity, and to be honest, I’ve been feeling a little lost. Apparently, my identity in the public eye has been growing, and about 98% of these people think they know me and they know who I am. In truth, they only know one side of me. Not even a side, they only see on sliver of what goes on in my life. Now does this mean I want everyone to take the time to get to know me? Of course not. I think I’ve been ignorant of myself for about 6 months now. I only gave attention to what people see on the surface of me. In truth, isn’t that how we function on a regular basis? to only judge by what you see on the exterior and what other people tell you of that person.

I believe it was RuPaul who said, “What other people think about you is none of your business.” And it’s very true. I’m slowly beginning to get to that place where I’m not caring anymore about what other people think of me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there are select individuals out there who will try to destroy me, my character, and my life. But they will never stop my family from loving me, they will never cause rifts in my friendships, and they will never prevent me from doing what I love. They actually have no power over me.

Going through these old boxes inspired me to revisit some old photos. I found a photo of me from circa 2006/2007. I almost didn’t recognize myself. But that is the Alex I want to return to. I cropped the photo to save my friend from internet exposure. This is the Alex who was very social, hung out with friends on a regular basis, lived life to the fullest, worked hard, and took nothing for granted…while still in the moment of pure happiness and appreciation. Which I’ve lost. This photo was taken the first or second Christmas after my car accident. Unreal. I genuinely look happy.

I’m going to start disengaging from toxic people on the internet. They can go and say I rip people to shreds, I’m a horrible person, I am a terrible friend, I use people, etc. but they don’t know me. They don’t know my friends, my colleagues, and my family. In closing, they don’t know what they’re talking about. If the attempts of taking down the reputation of myself and other people gives these individuals the sustenance that they need to have fulfillment and the reason to live and survive, then my public identity is a generous donation to their meaning of life.

My Legacy

September 5, 2012 Alex Matsuo

I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes me…well, me.

I’ve been thinking about how people’s perceptions of me differ from person to person. I’ve always been one to confront directly as much as I can. More often than not, whenever I do that, the other person doesn’t communicate and then the birdies chirp in my ear about all the horrible things that the other person has said about me. What’s been hard for me is to forgive those who have hurt me in the past, especially if they didn’t ask for it. But forgiveness is something that benefits both. Living with hate in your heart only hurts yourself. But as the ever-so-wise Dalai Lama said, it’s important to forgive but never forget. If you forget the past hurts, then you risk repeating yourself. So, in turn, I’ll forgive, but never forget, ya know?

I learned early on that if you have a problem with someone, it’s best to directly communicate with that person. My friends and family and even those on the outside know that if they ever have an issue with me, my door is always open. I learned from the best. My mentor is the same way. I’ve tried to live my life as he does and I try to look at life through his eyes.

I also have to accept that other people have very limited perceptions of me. I’ve been accused of having the desire to rub elbows with certain famous people in a particular field I am in. A part of me laughs and the other part makes me shake my head. Being the entertainment business for so long, I’ve had the privilege of working with people who have high acclaim in the industry, and I’ve also been honored to see my own peers rise up to stardom and fame on their own. “Rubbing elbows” with well-known people is part of my job. It’s part of the job of my friends and peers. It’s a part of my life. There’s nothing to brag about because I’m not special or exclusive like that.

But if I did have the option to become famous…there’s only one department I want to acclaim fame in, and that would be the theatre. Either an award-winning producer, playwright, director, or actress. It’s a tall dream. It’s a dream that has a long road ahead of me. But hey, if I become a well-known Shakespearean actress, awesome. But I don’t desire fame, never cared for it. I’ve seen what it does to my friends who have become…known. I’ve seen the transition from local, unknown friend to now everyone knows their name. Some take it in stride, some don’t.

Maybe this is a poor way to express myself. But you know what, I’m human. I can be affected by negativity as much as the next person. I’ve dealt with gossip about me before and I’ll do it again. Like I said, I appreciate it if someone just tells me directly that I’m a conviving bitch rather than tell everyone else about it and leaving me in the dark. If anything, that speaks more volumes about that person’s character than any kind of bad talking they can spew.

The best way to respond to hate is with love. It’s not going to be easy, and it will be a learning process. But I’ve learned that the only way to combat negativity and hate is with love. No need to add fuel to the fire. But also be aware that sometimes I may not feel like fighting back at all, and moving on and forgetting is a much better option. I suppose it all depends on how much I want that person to remain in my life, or whether I’ll be running into them again in the future.

But anyway, this post is about my legacy right? I work with kids and teach them theatre to pay the big bills while acting, writing, dramaturgy, etc. help supplement the rest of my income. I’m truly blessed to be able to do what I love 24/7. But working with kids isn’t for everyone. They drain my life energy. But there’s a reason why I always get a little weepy every time I’ve had to say goodbye at the end of each term. I get attached to those little buggers. Every time a parent approaches me and tells me how much their child has changed positively since they met me, I’m so proud of the child. I was just a coach, a cheerleader, a helper. Even with the kids or teens who meet me with tension and animosity, given some time, the walls break down eventually. I don’t mind if the only memory these kids have of me is “Miss Alex was a crazy chick who taught me drama and who made me laugh.” I’ve seen the growth in kids and teens from their exposure to the arts that has moved me to tears.

I don’t want fame to be my legacy. I want to be able to leave a mark on people as a positive person who has helped people. The reason I love working with kids and teens so much is because I’ve been given a wonderful privilege of changing their lives and making a positive impact on them. For some kids, I may be the only person who accepts their hugs or their drawings. I might be the only person to praise them for a job well done. This translates to teenage life and adult life. You may be the only person who has given someone a lending ear for their problems. You may be the only person who has ever shown a person love instead of disgust. If you want to leave a positive legacy, it starts with you.

You have the ability to change the world and leave a powerful legacy for yourself.

Now, I ask you this: What kind of legacy do you want to leave? How do you want people to remember you?

Leave a comment and share if you’d lie. 🙂

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