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Author: Alex Matsuo
InterAct – Courageous Voices Tour
This is Anxiety
Before proceeding further…there is triggering content in this blog post.
I feel like it’s time to show you all a photo that sums up my anxiety. This was not an easy decision, as I’m being remarkably vulnerable. But so often I hear stories of people who suffer from anxiety and get told it’s not a big deal. It’s not an illness. Just get over it.
I deal with a severe case of anxiety. It’s awful. One minute I’m fine, and one light disagreement later I’m a mess. I want to express myself, but then I’m terrified over making someone mad or have ill feelings towards me. Social situations terrify me. If a place is too crowded or too loud, I lose my mind. If someone is recording me, I get paranoid.
Going on a drive can set me off. Going out in public sets me off. I think about worst case scenarios on a regular basis. What if a shooter kills me? What if I’m in a car accident? What if I fall asleep and never wake up?
I also have self-deprecating thoughts. If I call myself a failure and a screw up I beat you to the punchline.
If you think these feelings are irrational, please know:
- I almost died in a car accident in 2005
- My mom died suddenly and unexpectedly in her sleep
- I’ve been through a few interactions where guns were in the wrong hands
- I had a stalker that sexually harassed me often, and reminded me he was watching me
- Was in an abusive relationship for a bit. Not anymore (thank God)
The worst case scenarios have either happened or been close calls. So I feel like they’re always around the next corner. When is the next disaster going to happen in my life?
It affects my health. Specifically, it affects my blood pressure, my heart, and my whole body at times. I’m sore after a panic attack. I get migraines often. I get chest pains more often than not.
How do I deal?
To stay calm, I’ll pick at my fingers and I’ll pick at my toes until they bleed. I don’t even know I’m doing this until I feel the wetness of the blood on my skin. Rarely do I have long fingernails and toenails. I’m always picking or biting. Blemishes on my skin don’t stand a chance. I’ll scratch myself until I bleed.
“Don’t do that, Alex!”
Guess what? I don’t even know I’m doing it. It’s something my body does.
Exhibit A:
Lately, I’ve been finding myself doing this more often since the election. I tend to vent on social media.
But in general, there are people who know I suffer from anxiety and still want to debate or fight. Until now, I’ve been silent on dealing with the feelings that result from those interactions. Today, I decided to be more forthcoming about what these interactions are doing to me. I had a few say they would back off, and it opened a dialogue on anxiety management. I so appreciate that (Thank you, Robb).
But there are others who are telling me to just deal with it. It’s a fact of life. I get it. For those who don’t understand, it’s fine. It just hurts when I’m spoken to and looked at like a freak.
When it comes to medication, I took anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, and I hated what they did to me. I was a drone. I slept all day, and I didn’t feel like myself. I still had meltdowns and relapses. In 2012, I quit cold turkey and have been using holistic treatments like oils and aromatherapy every since. I feel like myself, the meltdowns are a bit more frequent, but at least I’m coherent.
Writing and theater are my main escapes. When I write, I feel like I’m taking a break from myself, and focusing on the stories in my mind. I can be a heroine, a villain, or a bystander for a bit. I can explore other worlds and tell the stories of the characters in my mind. If I didn’t have those two things, I don’t know where I would be.
So, if you have a friend with anxiety, do them a favor: Take it easy on them. Celebrate the positives with them. Give them a note of encouragement. You might be the one thing in their day that gives them a break.
Just Because Donald Trump Got Elected Doesn’t Mean You Can Do This
Ever since it was declared and confirm that Trump would be our next President of the United States, I’ve seen some pretty ugly stuff. Putting my views and politics aside, I’ve noticed some awful things, dare I call them deplorable. While, I don’t want to label the perpetrators of these actions with a blanket statement as Trump supporters, many of them have been very vocal that they did indeed vote for Trump. So what’s a person to do?
While Donald Trump won the election, he has infamously done some pretty awful things
like mock a physically disabled person, trivialized the Purple Heart, insulted John McCain because he was a POW and therefore captured, made jokes about women, insulted women for their looks, etc. the list goes on. Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past year, you already know what he has done, and I won’t rehash. Despite these actions, there were Americans who still gave him their vote. Does this mean they condone his behavior? Doubtful. They likely didn’t like Clinton for their own reasons, and went with the “lesser of two evils.”
I knew it would be bad on Wednesday morning, but I never thought it could be this bad. I have a diverse friends list on my Facebook, and I was horrified to see the stories on my timeline of my friends getting harassed, and feeling like they are now in danger. The stories didn’t stop either. They were all similar, but in different locations, contexts, etc., but they all had a common theme.
Because Trump has said and done awful things during his campaign, there are many who believe that because our President elect can get away with it, so can they. Because common decency has gone out the window since the election, I felt I had to write this.
So for the ridiculously dim witted, just because Donald Trump got elected doesn’t mean you should do the following:
- Tell women you can grab them by the pussy
- Or worse, grab them by their genitals, breasts, etc.
- Harass people of color, call them the N word
- Pull a hijab, or any other headcovering, off of a person, or attack anyone who is wearing a hijab
- Tell any Hispanic or ethnic person, people you might think to be immigrants, to pack their bags
- Chant and shout “Build that Wall” to upset people
- Intimidate people with your gun while they’re minding their own business and living life
- Draw swastikas on fences, buildings, parking lots, etc.
- Be a bully
- Make fun of disabled people
- Tell members of the LGBTQ community that Trump and Pence are going to get rid of them
- Yell at people in the grocery store because they look different than you
- Violate the rights of people other than yourself
- These are just a few things I’ve read from friends and people in general. For more, click here.
Trump’s election gave validation to some pretty awful people who now feel like they can get away with the above actions because “the President can do it and still get elected.” While you have the right to free speech, it only protects you from being punished by the government. It doesn’t protect you from the consequences of being a jerk, since others can also exercise their free speech rights. We still have laws and people still have rights. Violate those rights, hurt someone else, invade someone’s space, steal their property, basically crimes against people, you’ll get arrested. This goes both ways to the right and the left.
Not all who voted for Trump are like this, aka bad people. There are people who voted for Trump who are horrified by these actions.
But calling democrats and liberals whiners isn’t going to do anything to help mend the divide that has been ripped between us during the past year. Also, saying that “everything is going to be okay” just trivializes a person’s fear and pain right now. Showing empathy and understanding will go a lot further than making someone feel like their anxiety isn’t valid.
However, Trump’s presidency has a lot of people scared, including myself. I worry about our future. Those who didn’t want Trump to be President are mourning, they are angry, and they are understandably upset. Give them the space to do so. Offer compassionate dialogue and reassure them it’s going to be okay.
To any Trump supporters who are reading this and are getting offended, prove the rest of the world wrong. Show empathy to those who are hurting, hold Trump accountable for the generalized things he said. If you see your friends and family doing something similar, please, hold them accountable as well. PLEASE SPEAK OUT against the hate, the crimes, and the words that other Trump supporters are saying. Demand that it stop! These people are created the stereotype for the group you are being lumped into.
Demand that Trump makes a public statement condemning the violence, the racism, the sexism, the misogyny, the bigotry, etc. Demand that he publicly condemns and sets himself apart from the upcoming KKK parade that will be happening in North Carolina. If Trump can make it known that he doesn’t agree with the actions that have been done and the words that have been said in his name and Presidency, that is a huge step into getting it to STOP.
Even if you want to say, “But-but the liberals and Democrats and Hillary are doing it too!” What do I say to that? Be the bigger person. Be the BETTER person that you know you are. Please do not resort to this childish cop-out.
You can still support a candidate, or now President elect, and hold them accountable. I know there will be conspiracy theorists who will say this was all done by liberals posing as Trump supporters…whatever helps you sleep at night. At this point, PEOPLE need to be held accountable.
Once we rise from the ashes, we need to focus on coming together and uniting so that America has a fighting chance of getting through the next four years.
Remember What is Imminent
I love cemeteries. Not in a spooky sort of way, but instead I find them a fascinating place. As you walk the grounds of a cemetery, there are hundreds of people beneath your feet. These people used to be mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, cousins, husbands, wives, and friends. They each have a story of their own to tell, and many of their stories have been whisked away by the cruelty of time.
When I go to a cemetery, I’m pretty solemn. I take time to look and pay my respects to as many people as I can. Why? For they have embarked upon a journey that I am so nervous about; death. As we know, death is imminent. It’s going to happen to all of us, but we don’t know when or how it will come to us. Perhaps it will be a car accident, or a bout with a serious illness. Who knows?
Death not only makes me uneasy, but becoming anonymous in time also makes me nervous. I’m already well aware of how insignificant I am in comparison to this vast universe, but I still want my story to be known after I’m gone. I’m sure the people interred and buried in the cemeteries probably had similar thoughts while they were alive. And yet, here they are, with their names on headstones with few words to tell their story.
Different cultures view cemeteries in their own way, and I find it beautiful. In some places, you’ll find people having picnics and letting their kids play among the headstones. In other places, you’ll find people in mourning and solemn. Both are okay.
One of my favorite places in San Diego was Pioneer Park. There, you’ll see a clump of headstones in the back corner of the park, along with some suspicious sinkholes throughout the lawn. In classic “Poltergeist” dramatics, they moved the headstones but not the bodies. In Old Town San Diego, the El Campo Santo Cemetery is one of the oldest in the city, and it was shrunken down when the road was developed. This meant they paved over the bodies. All that is left to mark where the bodies lie are spikes in the pavement and sidewalk.
So where does that put us in the timeline of the human race? Are we destined to be remembered for the first 50-100 years of our life, and then doomed to be paved over with a road above us with a simple spike to mark our location, or even have our tombstones moved and our final resting place turned into a park. But by the time that happens, our immediate family and even a generation or two of descendants might not even care. We will probably stop caring at the moment of our last breath because, hey, we’re dead. If consciousness doesn’t survive, then that’s it. We’re just a body. If our consciousness survives and we indeed have an afterlife, will this bother us?
After moving to Raleigh, NC and having southern cemeteries more accessible to me, I found a world of difference in how this part of the United States deals with death. For example, Oakwood Cemetery is massive. Then there is City Cemetery and Mount Hope Cemetery, all created to help deal with the growing numbers of bodies, and to give people a final resting place who weren’t treated well or respected in life. The design is quite beautiful and dramatic, and something I hadn’t encountered in the cemeteries in California where your final resting place might be a sacrifice to urban development.
As a paranormal investigator, I find cemeteries to be really quiet, and not at all very haunted. If you were a ghost, would you want to stick around your final resting place, or would you want to go out and explore the world, maybe even scare the bejesus out of a few people? When I take people on tours, I try to uphold cemetery etiquette as best I can and keep everything as respectful as one can be. At the end of the day, we still have to respect people regardless of whether they are alive or dead. It means being discreet if you want to try spirit communication, not messing with the tombs or headstones, moving flowers, screaming, yelling, drinking, debauchery, etc.
Whatever adventure lies ahead of us after our time of living has completed, I hope it’s as peaceful as cemeteries make it seem.
3 Years Ago I Thought My Life was Ruined
“I’m gonna take a deep breath.
Gonna hold my head up.
Gonna put my shoulders back,
And look you straight in the eye.
I’m gonna flirt with somebody
When they walk by.
I’m gonna sing out . . .
Sing out.”
On this day, three years ago, someone who I thought was a friend did something awful. About a month after I moved to Raleigh, before July 23rd I found myself newly single because my ex couldn’t take the drama anymore associated with my job. Then on the evening of July 23rd, 2013, I found out on Facebook fan page that I was now unemployed after a month long of silence and dealing with a gag order placed on me, taking the brunt of some God awful online bullying, and thousands of miles away from any support system I had. I thought my life was completely ruined. I was sitting alone in an apartment full of boxes and I couldn’t stop crying. After taking phone calls from people checking on me, I had to pick myself off the floor. Music had always been a form of therapy, and the first song I found myself listened to was “I’m Here” from The Color Purple. In the midst of my tears, I told myself that I would get through this and be a stronger person from the experience. I was at my lowest point. My mother came into town within a day to help me through it. I cried every day over the whole ordeal for a good 6 months. I gained weight. I nearly gave up on myself.
Well, it’s taken about three years, but I’m finally okay. After losing that job, getting publicly mocked and slandered on Twitter by grown adults, becoming nearly homeless, and having people who SWORE to be my friend turn their backs on me, it ended up being the best damn thing that ever happened to me. It was in that moment that I made the decision to continue to work on my book, and take it one day at a time. Things were so bad that I considered suicide. But for my mother’s sake, I made a promise to just take it one day at a time and find an outlet to work through the feelings of pain, betrayal, confusion, and self-loathing. Had I not worked on that book, The Haunted Actor, I wouldn’t have become a published author with The Haunting of the Tenth Avenue Theater. I wouldn’t have met the incredible people from the con scene, and I wouldn’t have met the incredible women who make up my team in NC. I lost a lot on July 23, 2013, but I have gained so much since then. I never thought I could live off of full-time writing, but it has happened. I never thought I could find love again, but it has happened. I never thought I would be living off of my passion for theatre, but it has happened.
“I believe I have inside of me
Everything that i need to live a bountiful life.
With all the love alive in me
I’ll stand as tall as the tallest tree.
And I’m thankful for everyday that I’m given,
Both the easy and hard ones I’m livin'”
Was the journey easy? No. I lost my mother about a year and a half ago. My mother was my biggest cheerleader, and I still feel the void every day. It’s not getting any easier, I’ve become more accustomed to the loss and getting used to it.
On Saturday night, July 23rd, 2016, I got to see The Color Purple on Broadway. It feels like this chapter of my life has come full circle, and now I’m celebrating. As I watched Danielle Brooks rock it as Sofia, Cynthia Ervio sing her heart out and receive standing ovations, and Heather Headley (a Broadway legend) sing within a few feet from me, I thought about a lyric from the show, “Look what God has done…” and savored every minute of it. Then, tonight, I’ll be seeing Hamilton, which has become a show that has meant so much to me. Hamilton has really hit it home for me that we have a limited time here, and I need to do something big to positively impact the world around me. Whether it’s telling the stories of people around me through writing and acting, or helping those less fortunate through volunteer work and donating to charity, the story I want to leave behind holds love, truth, friendship, and family.
For the first time in three years, I can afford to go on not just one, but several vacations. I’m back on track with my student loans, if not better than before. My income is better than it ever has been before. My team is doing great, and overall, things are so wonderful. Had I not had that devastating moment three years ago, I wouldn’t have the incredible blessings that I have today. I’ve learned a lot, cried a lot, bled a lot…well, I’ve been through a lot. I’ve made so many new friends and have a family here in NC. From my team members; Beth, Amy, Maeve, Amanda, to the theatre community, they have all blessed my life so much.
If you’re going through an awful time right now, while it may not seem like it, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve also learned that the people who try to work against you finally get their comeuppance. You may not like the timing, but it eventually happens. The universe has a way of evening things out to restore balance.
“But most of all
I’m thankful for
Loving who i really am.
I’m beautiful.
Yes, I’m beautiful,
And I’m here”
“Lights Out” 2016 Review: Scares & Mental Illness
Tonight, I had the pleasure of seeing the movie, “Lights Out.” I’ve been a horror movie buff since I was a kid. I love scary movies, especially paranormal ones about ghosts, demons, and other creatures that go bump in the night. I do like the slasher movies as well, but paranormal suspense has a special place in my heart.
I became a HUGE fan of director David Sandberg back in 2013 when he released the short film, “Lights Out – Who’s There”, which starred his wife, Lotta Losten. While the film was only 3 minutes, it was enough to scare the bejesus out of me and dread touching the light switch. The short caught the attention of James Wan (Saw, The Conjuring 1 & 2, Insidious), who ended up producing the movie.
If you’re not familiar with the short film, take a (literal) few minutes and watch it here:
[vimeo 82920243 w=640 h=360]
Lights Out – Who’s There Film Challenge (2013) from David F. Sandberg on Vimeo.
Now let’s talk about the movie. The premise of the movie is that adults can have imaginary friends too. I didn’t realize how much this added to the creep factor until seeing the movie. If anything, the movie shows that adults can be more destructive than children when it comes to those sinister friends that [we think] no else can see.
I don’t want to give away spoilers, but I also thought how the movie touched on mental illness was handled with care, and also presented a forewarning. That forewarning is that the more we dwell on our condition, stop taking medication, shut out those who love us, and ignore the fact that there’s a problem, will cause one to descend into a downward spiral of losing the battle to that illness. That hit me personally, as I struggle immensely with depression and anxiety, and will often stew in my own negativity regardless of whose around me. I haven’t reached the point where I was forcing those around me to accept this as is like Sophie (played by Maria Bello), but there is a hard lesson learned. I was impressed with Teresa Palmer’s performance, and Alexander DiPersia was not only pretty to look at but played the concerned and protective “boyfriend” very well. The standout for me was little Gabriel Bateman who played Martin, and pretty much would reflect my actions should I ever be in a similar situation. Flashlights and candles…and lots of them!
These lessons aside, the movie was great for scares. I jumped several times throughout the movie and found myself saying “Aw heck no” to myself during the even scarier parts. The script is simple, the movie is a little short, and the characters are few. But this makes for a fairly solid horror film as it cuts right to the chase and focuses on the meat of the story rather than embellish it with the bones. It was also cool to see Lotta Losten make her cameo at the beginning of the movie.
In closing, the movie is worth the price of the ticket, and a night or two of sleeping with the lights on.
Ghostbusters 2016: My Review
It seems that my thoughts on the latest “Ghostbusters” movie has been waited on with bated breath! I will also say that this is one of the rare times that I have made an effort to see a movie on opening weekend. I did this mainly for the fact that I didn’t want to wait to see the movie, and the two “Ghostbusters” movies are my absolute favorites. In other words, I’m a “Ghostbusters” fan girl. Yes, I’m a paranormal investigator and I love “Ghostbusters.”
First, are any of the “Ghostbusters” movies true to actual paranormal investigating? Of course not. There are a few nods to the actual practice of ghost hunting, but it’s an exaggerated portrayal to what we actually do. No, there are no proton packs. No, we can’t actually contain a real ghost. No, we don’t have the uniforms. We have t-shirts, but not the suits.
Okay, now that we have that out-of-the-way, I want to say this: THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME! When it was first announced that there would be a reboot of the classic movie with an all-female Ghostbusters team, there was massive skepticism. I will admit that I was uneasy about the idea. After I saw the trailer, which featured a lot of slapstick comedy, I became a little more excited, but I was still worried that the movie wouldn’t meet my expectations. Already, women in the paranormal field have a really hard time, and female-driven movies have a hard time in the entertainment industry as it is.
Let me tell you that this movie is fantastic. While it is a reboot, it is unique all on its own. There are cameos from the original “Ghostbusters” cast, and there are enough nods to the original that satisfied my inner fan girl. I got a little choked up seeing Egon’s cameo, but I won’t spoil it for anyone. It was refreshing to see Melissa McCarthy in this strong lead, as well as see Kristen Wiig and Leslie Jones. But the standout star to me was Kate McKinnon, who was the perfect blend of Egon and Venkman. I can’t forget Chris Hemsworth as the HILARIOUS receptionist who isn’t the brightest crayon in the box, but he is so adorable and endearing that you can’t help but love him.
In other words, go see this movie! It is worth your ticket price and your time. Whether you like the paranormal or not, you will be entertained and talking about the movie long after you come home from the theater.
Also, make sure you stay through to the end of the credits. There is an end credits scene that will make any longtime Ghostbusters fan squeal with delight!
What did you think of the movie? Let me know in the comments and vote in the poll!
[polldaddy poll=9472690]
When Love Drowns Out Hate
I wrote something different today. Instead of wallowing in sorrow over my lack of a father for Father’s Day, I decided to try to make my voice louder in regards to people I love: the LGBT community. While the effects of House Bill 2 don’t directly affect me personally at this time, I know people who it does affect, and many of them aren’t even gay or members of the transgender community.
Anyway, of course, with any bill such as this, there will be a loud response from both sides. This certain situation is no different. While I wasn’t there personally, my friend Beth was, and she captured the moment on camera.
To see what happened, check out my Buzzfeed post: Gay Men’s Chorus Drowns Out Hate In Protest Of HB2 And The Orlando Massacre
Upcoming Interviews!
Greetings everyone! As I wrap up some work and get ready for the upcoming weekend, I wanted to let you all know that I have some interviews coming up that you should put on your calendars.
First, I’ll be interviewed by the incredible Annie RadzusJune 22nd, 2016 at 10pm EDT. The show can be found at the following link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/anniessouljuice/2016/06/23/myths-truth-and-actual-experiences-of-the-paranormal
Then, on Sunday, June 26th at 8pm EDT, I’ll be interviewed by Katrina Gamse, the host of Beyond the Creed on the Crossroads Radio Network. I’ll post a link as the time gets closer.
Who all is coming to ConCarolinas? I would love it if you came by my table or one of my panels to say hi!