Category: Body Image

My Opinion on Beauty Pageants as a Plus Size Woman

Alex Matsuo1 Comment

This may come across as a surprise, but I love watching beauty pageants. From Miss USA to cheering on my friends in the local pageant scene, I’ll support my friends and the incredible women that grace the stage. Organizations like Miss USA and Miss America have come a long way since they started. But they still have a long way to go. Are these pageants perfect? Definitely not.

When I reveal to people that I watch pageants, I’m usually looked at with a decent level of shock. Why am I interested in something that is unaccessible to me? The short version of my explanation is that they’re fun. We’ll get into the long version of my story in a moment. I’m hopeful that pageants will continue to evolve, since I’m all for pageants where all the contestants are behind a curtain and they’re judged on merit.

Do I have an issue with the common criticisms? You bet. For example, the ever-so-popular argument:

They judge women based on appearances

Um…doesn’t the rest of society? Pageants are a reflection of society. You make first impressions and judge others every day. It’s in our nature. People judge others for their hair, their clothes, their life choices, the list goes on. Of course theses pageants judge on appearances because that is what we have become as a society.

If we’re going to go based on the judgement of appearances, then we also can’t ignore how plus size people, such as myself, are treated by mainstream society, in the workplace, hell…just going out in public. As a society, we judge by appearances varying from body type, what we wear, etc.

If you are withholding support from beauty pageants based on this, and yet you’re watching Disney movies and worshipping princesses…pot meet kettle. For the life of me, I will never understand this argument. If you’re only hating on beauty pageants, and yet supporting other areas of society where not all women are accepted, then maybe it’s not this particular argument that is bothering you, and there’s a deeper resentment going on here.

Here’s the thing I will never stand for, and that is using my weight and my position as a plus size person to try to pigeon-hold me into agreeing with you. That’s wrong and manipulative.

But as I said, pageants aren’t perfect. There is still a certain body type that is only accepted on that stage right now when it comes to mainstream pageants. Yes, we have plus-size beauty pageants, but also consider we have plus-size clothing stores. Shouldn’t I be happy and satisfied with that? Not in the least. Until women of all shapes and sizes are on that stage, SHARING the stage, will we arrive to a new era of beauty pageants.

What is promising is that the Miss North Carolina USA pageant had a woman with a disability (and in a wheelchair) on that stage, and you bet I was cheering her on. Miss America is saying goodbye to its swimsuit competition (although who says bigger women can’t wear a swimsuit?).

They are archaic

Okay, I’ll give you this one. Beauty pageants are outdated, and if they are going to continue to exist, they will have to evolve in the next few years.

More than Pageants

But we can’t place all the blame on pageants for becoming what they are today. We have to look at other non-pageant venues, like clothing stores that even have a size 18. But they won’t accomodate a size 26.

Torrid is great if you can afford it. Walmart doesn’t always carry bigger sizes on a regular basis (and I live in the South). No chance on Target. I’m lucky if I catch Ross or Mervyn’s on a GOOD day. Not every plus size person can afford Torrid, not everyone who is plus size has the financial privileges.

But I won’t stop watching Disney because they lack plus size presence, nor will I stop watching Miss USA (I’m not a fan of Miss America because of other politics right now). The fact that a woman with a disability made it this far in Miss NC USA shows there’s strides being made.

I can’t even shop in store at Old Navy and I have to go online. I can’t shop at most stores. Thin privilege is a thing. People look at thin people and they automatically pass the society test. Obese people, especially morbidly obese people, do not. That’s just a given. I and many others are working to absolve that.

There are plus size pageants and LOTS of them. Do they have the air time of Miss USA or Miss America? Nope.

So before going after pageants, make sure you have enough stones for:

  • Disney (no plus size princess or prince yet)
  • The film industry (a romantic comedy where weight and looks aren’t a punchline if a plus size person falls in love)
  • Theme park rides
  • Clothing industry
  • Sports industry
  • Any NFL cheer and dance team
  • Majority of news stations (plus-size female anchors are slowly becoming a thing)

These are just to name a few.

I will celebrate these incredible women, and hope that one day that someone plus size will grace that stage in the next 20 years (it’s going to happen).

Did I say these organizations were perfect? Nope. Do they have room to make changes and make some progress? Hell yes, and they have a long way to go. But are they open to change? Yes. Will it happen immediately? Nope.

Feminism vs. Beauty Pageants: A Middle Ground?

As a fellow feminist, I’m also aware that women can make choices to go into whatever hobby or career they want to, whether it’s sex work, beauty pageants, law, etc. It’s fantastic that women can make these choices in these professions that have greatly evolved in the past 50 years. The fact that a woman with a disability made it this far in a mainstream pageant is great. A little girl, who is also in a wheelchair, can see herself represented. And I’m fairly confident that a plus size girl will also grace that stage in the next 20 years on national TV.

I think pageants are harmless for the most part, when compared to reality shows that depict women as nasty and dependent. It’s harmless compared to how plus size women are portrayed in the entertainment industry, especially fashion.

I won’t stop watching Disney because they lack plus size presence, nor will I stop watching Miss USA (I’m not a fan of Miss America because of other politics right now). The fact that a woman with a disability made it this far in Miss NC USA shows there’s strides being made.

Speak your mind: What do you think of beauty pageants?

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“You Should Be Grateful for the Attention”

Alex Matsuo2 Comments

Trigger Warning: Rape, sexual assault

Bill Maher is in the headlines for more insensitive comments, this time against overweight people. His idea of how “fat shaming needs to make a comeback” as a way to combat the growing obesity epidemic isn’t a solution. It’s perpetuating an ongoing issue that fat people need and deserve to be bullied and harassed.

Last month, I was thrilled to take photos in a two-piece swimsuit. I got some amazing feedback and responses from other people who could relate to my story, were also victims of fat-shaming, and felt uncomfortable in their bodies. I was sent hundreds of photos of people in their own crop tops, two-piece swimsuits (or shirtless swimsuits from the fellas), and other revealing styles while thanking me for inspiring them to take that step.

There was another response that I had anticipated, but I was caught by surprise at the sheer volume of it all. I had men messaging me, and let’s just say what they had to say wasn’t rated G. I think I’ve received more unsolicted pics of men’s junk that I ever did while I was the dating scene. My inbox was blowing up to the point I had to uninstall Facebook Messenger. When this happened, I usually blocked and reported the offenders.

What surprised me was that the men who sent me photos of their genitals still had their Facebook profiles up. I even received reports back from Facebook that the message didn’t violate their “community standards.” I’m sorry, what? What was truly troubling that one of the senders was a convicted child rapist. Like, he was on the national offender registry for sexual assault against a child. It took almost a month for his profile to be taken down.

There were other men who had sent me photos, and I would go to their profiles to see that they had done similar, and to minors, as noted in the comments on their public posts. People are trying to report these profiles to Facebook, and when the social media giant fails to remove the profiles, people are taking to the comments to publicly declare the bad behavior (with screenshots).

I thought I reached my threshold of being shocked, I was then told that I needed to be grateful that I was getting all of this attention from men because fat girls like me don’t get “compliments” like these often. It’s like, because I’m overweight, that I need to just take the harassment and accept it. Not only that, but I’m also supposed to enjoy it? No. Actually, hell no. I know this isn’t an issue exclusive to overweight people. It’s definitely a problem within humanity.

Because I’m an analytical person, I also looked at the types of people that were harassing me. What I found interesting was that these folks were geographically in similar locations (small town America), they were typically men who were not college-educated, and they were conservative. They also had the same empty look in their eyes, and their posts indicated that they likely used illicit subtances. I don’t want to draw stereotypes, because I was harassed by a few wealthy executive-type men. This behavior isn’t exclusive to a single type of income, personality, etc.

I will admit that I found this response overwhelming because it brought back a lot of memories of being sexually assaulted. The men who hurt me told me that I needed to just appreciate and be grateful for the experience because no one else would give me this attention or want me in this way…because I was fat. When I reported my rape, I wasn’t taken seriously because surely no one would do this to a fat girl.

I find these days, being complimented on my appearance makes me cringe. I would almost prefer to be called names in regards to my fatness. Sure, the compliment-giver may mean well, but when I don’t know the person and I can’t gauge intention, I am reluctant to even say, “Thank you.”

I had to make a decision as to whether or not I wanted to continue my social media presence. I had to make a decision on how to respond to these messages and whether or not I still wanted to “call out” the men that were harassing me and sending me inappropriate photos. My method isn’t perfect. I pick and choose which ones to respond to. Most of these messages are being ignored, the sender blocked and reported, and I move on.

Today, I’m still troubled by how my assault was handled. The fact that I was told to appreciate and be grateful for the assault because it would be the “only time a man would touch me” was almost as bad as the assault itself, if not worse. What is even more troubling is watching the segment Bill Maher recently recorded and said that fat shaming needed to make a comeback. Again, it opens the issue of how just because someone is overweight, they need to be subjected to bullying and abuse because it will help them. This is only adding more poison to the mindset that justifies the rape of an overweight girl and the harassment of a human being on the street. It needs to stop.

It needs to stop NOW.

Why This Fat Chick Is Wearing a Two-Piece Swimsuit

Alex Matsuo3 Comments

From the time I was little, I was always aware that I was overweight. Well, that’s what it was called when I was younger. Today, I look back at photos from the time and thought, “I really wasn’t fat.”

As my body grew and changed, I knew I had to cover up my thighs, my arms, and my stomach because “No one wants to see that.”

I’ve never worn a two-piece swimsuit that exposed my stomach. I have always wanted to because I wanted to know what it felt like to be completely out there with my body.

To be completely present with myself and my body.

Origin Story

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

My mom put me in figure skating in my elementary school and middle school years. I wasn’t as thin as the other figure skaters. I was always getting second place at skating competitions, and my mom told me that they didn’t give first place to “fat girls.”

After figure skating, I discovered theatre. When I decided to become an actor, I became hyper-aware of what my body looked like. I could tell you what my chin was doing when I spoke a monologue. I can tell you what part of my body jiggled when I sang.

This inhibited me as a performer. I couldn’t move like I wanted too because I didn’t want to look “fatter.”

Even with all of the dance classes I took to be more comfortable with my body, it only intensified what I already knew about myself; I was fat. 

Growing up, I was bigger than the other girls in my dance classes. And I wasn’t as thin as the other girls in my acting classes. 

In elementary school, I had a bully who called me “Fatsuo.” The crazy thing was that she was shorter than me. She was tiny. I could have stood up to her like a force.

But I didn’t.

She only validated what I was told every day by others around me. After my physical for cheerleading, the first thing my Mom looked at was my weight. I can still hear her voice in shock saying, “One-eighty?!?!” I weight 180 pounds at 14. But I had just come from years of ice skating, working out every day, and eating a reduced-calorie diet. I was a size 12 and doing it right. I had a lot of muscle. But it’s all a numbers game. I looked at the number on the scale instead of my measurements.

At one point, my father force-fed me broccoli and took away my cup so I couldn’t chase it down with water. Of course, weight was always a conversation peppered in with gym visits. My identity was surrounded by diet and exercise. It was like I wasn’t a person because I was overweight. I wasn’t his daughter yet, because I was overweight. It went against his healthy physique and lifestyle.

Bad Solutions

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

In middle school and high school, I went through years of yo-yo dieting, eating disorders, binging, throwing up, starving myself, water fasts, Hollywood juice cleanse…the list goes on. I did a lot of damage to my body to fit the mold I felt obligated to be a part of.

In college, I remember my Mom did a Google search on me and found a comment from one of my classmates on MySpace. He was responding to a photo of a morbidly obese woman that was posted in his comments. He said something to the effect of, “If you ever post a photo of Alex Matsuo again…”

Instead of sympathizing with me, or just keeping it to herself, my Mom called me and told me off. Apparently, Bobby was in the right, and this was my fault because I was overweight.

Today, I’m paying for that damage to my body. 

Had I been able to enjoy myself and enjoy my body at the weight I was at, who knows what I would have weighed today. 

What I would give to weigh 180 again and fit in a size 12.

The Cocoon

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

I also used my fatness as a defense mechanism. It was like a protective cocoon that made me feel safe. I was safe from the hurt, abuse, and any threats to my wellbeing. After going through physical trauma in my teen years and early twenties, my weight was a comfort instead of being who I was.

The only boyfriend that ever had a problem with my weight was always comparing me to his ex-girlfriends and how much skinnier they were. He actually convinced me to join Jenny Craig, and I had to report my weigh-in results to him. When he broke up with me twice, I was devastated. I had made so many sacrifices to fit into his definition of what beautiful was as a condition of our relationship. It broke me.

In defense of my Mom, it seemed that having a fat daughter was one of the worse things she could have. I don’t think she believed it, but I think she was so wrapped up with what other people thought of her, or what one man thought of her, she must have thought she failed somehow because I was overweight. Don’t get me wrong, my Mom loved me and she was very proud of me. She grew up extremely insecure about her body as well. A certain man didn’t help with her confidence either because he made comments about her body that destroyed her self-esteem. She wouldn’t ever move on from them.

I love my Mom dearly. I think a lot of how she treated my weight struggle was from her own experience with her own weight as she was navigating through her life. She didn’t want me to go through what she had to go through. She didn’t want me to feel the rejection and pain she felt. I’m so sad she felt so inhibited to open herself up to someone she loved because of a few cruel words. That was the turning point of my life.

Lessons Learned

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

That stuck with me. I’ve been with wonderful men and women since who reminded me that I was beautiful. We were in awe of each other. My relationships since the “Jenny Craig Ex” were beautiful. I’ve met and connected with extraordinary people in my life who didn’t see past the fat, they saw my fat as a part of me, which was beautiful. Why couldn’t I see myself in that way?

One day, I took off all of my clothes, and I looked at myself in the mirror.

This was me.

Even with all the angled selfies and different styles of clothes to try to hide my fat, this was who I am. This was what people saw all the time. People still cared about me…they accepted me for who I am.

So, why couldn’t I do that for myself? I didn’t want that mindset for the rest of my life.

Looking Forward with Fat

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

As I mentioned, I’m now paying for all I put my body through. Even as my body continues to change because of hormones and medication, I’m celebrating the person I am right now. If I don’t fall in love with my body now, I may never get a chance to. I’m eating healthier than I ever have in my life. I exercise and slowly falling in love with it. 

Guess what? Still fat. So it’s who I am right now. Not every plus-size person is overweight because of food. It’s going to be a slow process. But instead of trying to lose weight, I’m trying to be healthy.

Probably the most incredible thing happened; once I started truly loving myself and my body, I started eating better for my health’s sake…not for the number on the scale. I want to keep my blood sugar in the normal range, so my eating habits reflect that. 

So, if someone has an issue with my double chin or my flabby arms…oh well. That is their issue and not mine.

Just because someone is uncomfortable with my body, it is not my obligation to change myself for their peace of mind.

To mark this new mindset, I decided to do something I had never thought of doing at my current weight.

Wear a two-piece swimsuit. 

I’m no longer going to cover up my arms for anyone. And I’m going to wear that two-piece swimsuit and show off a bit of stomach for this last bit of summer.

If anyone has an issue with that, you’re welcome to look the other way.

I’ll be over here having the time of my life.

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

My Favorite Keto and Low Carb Recipes

Alex Matsuo1 Comment

If you’ve been following my Facebook or Instagram, you’re probably aware that I’ve become more serious about a low-carb lifestyle. I suppose you could call it “lazy keto” since I’m only counting carbs and not worried about the macros (yet).

I’m not doing this because I want to lose weight. Nothing else was lowering my blood sugar. Being a diabetic, I was constantly in the 200s with medication, so something had to change.

I’ve learned that I do need to plan and prep if I’m going to stick to this lifestyle. It means looking at the menus ahead of time if I’m going to a restaurant.

It also means cooking. A lot of cooking. Luckily, I have my boyfriend to help shoulder the burden. But even so, I don’t like cooking overly complicated things. So, these recipes are fairly simple. It’ll require a trip to the grocery store, maybe a few. These are recipes that have honestly helped me keep my sanity as I make this transition.

Pizza Rolls

  • This was created by my boyfriend. So he gets the credit. These are delicious, and really simple.
  • You’ll need some mozzarella, pepperoni (or your favorite low carb topping), and some tomato sauce. Store bought pizza sauce has a LOT of sugar. However, if you buy the plain generic tomato sauce, it’s only got 3 carbs per serving.
  • You’ll make little piles of mozzarella of about 1 ounce on parchment paper. Bake at 400 F for about 10 minutes.
  • At this point, the mozzarella piles have melted down. Take it out of the oven, you can put about a teaspoon of sauce on it and your pepperoni. Put it back in the oven for 5-7 minutes.
  • I like to roll mine, but they can also be folded in half like tacos.
  • It should round out to about 1-3 net carbs depending on your ingredients.

“No Bake” Peanut Butter Balls

Creamy Taco Soup with Ground Beef

Creamy Chicken Marsala

Crack Chicken

  • Ranch seasoning, cream cheese, chicken, and bacon.
  • This turned out much better than expected. It actually makes a pretty good topping for a keto-friendly chip like Whisps.
  • If you want to save carbs, I would look up a keto-friendly recipe for the ranch mix.
  • Link to Recipe: https://www.messforless.net/keto-crack-chicken-in-the-crock-pot/

Low-Carb Tomato Soup

  • Heads up, this recipe isn’t really keto-friendly. But, if you have a craving for tomato soup, this will kick it while keeping your carb-count relatively low.
  • You’ll need a 6 oz. can of tomato paste, 1/4 cup heavy cream, beef broth, oregano, and your favorite shredded cheese.
  • The original recipe I found had one cup of heavy cream. I found this mixture to be way too heavy, so I diluted it with beef broth.
  • Play with the ratios and see what tastes the best for you.

Moon Cheese

  • Okay, this isn’t a recipe. It’s a delicious cheese snack that has gotten me through my snacking needs at work.

That’s all for now! I’ll post more as my journey continues.

Dear Younger Me

Alex Matsuo

Dear Younger Me,

You’re focused on a lot of things right now, like your next Disneyland trip, Hanson, figure skating, karate, visitations with dad, and Sailor Moon. I know you’re dealing with some really messed up things at home. If I could go back in time and give you this letter, this is what I want you to know.

  • Ask your grandma tons of questions about her life and your grandpa’s life while you still have time. I know living with her with all of her health problems is hard, but she won’t be around forever. Spend as much time with her as you can.
  • While you and Mom aren’t getting along, know that she’s going through a lot that she will never tell you about. Also, appreciate her too and spoil her on her birthday. Ask Mom to be more honest with you. She will not ask for help when she needs it, and it will end up causing more issues.
  • Take more pictures. While you might feel embarrassed to ask people to take a picture with you, it’s better to feel that temporary feeling than the lifelong regret of missing a photo with someone you love.
  • Go to Disneyland more often. Take advantage of the annual pass monthly payments earlier in college. Also, don’t let people make you feel bad for your monthly Disneyland trips.
  • Don’t let people’s fat jokes get to you. I know you have many people from all facets of life telling you that you’re overweight. Yeah, maybe you can’t run as fast as the other kids. But you’re strong. You’re athletic. You eat pretty healthy. Also, you’re not fat.
  • Wear that two-piece swimsuit you’ve been dreaming of. Go ahead and enjoy life. You will keep yourself from enjoying life because you will keep them as rewards for your weight-loss. Appreciate your body and love your body. Because 33-year old Alex wishes her body can still do what it did at your age. She will wish that she weighed what you weighed right now.
  • On that note, seriously…you’re not fat. You won’t be fat in high school either. Don’t pay attention to that number on the scale because most of that weight comes from the muscle you’ve built from figure skating and cheerleading.
  • Sign up for acting classes. That itch to perform will turn into something more.
  • Speaking of creative itches, don’t let your teachers tell you that you’re a bad writer. In fact, you’re pretty damn good at writing and research. Look out for a friend named Anneke, because she will give you that creative boost and tell you that you’re a good writer.
  • Eat more vegetables. I know you hate them, and Mom went overboard in forcing you to eat them. Tell Mom and Grandma to put more spices in the veggies and add cheese. You’ll be able to eat them. Ask to get your blood sugar tested, and often. Diabetes is already living inside you.
  • You’re beautiful. Tell yourself you’re beautiful every day, because you are. Be confident in who you are and love yourself.
  • Don’t let your 5th grade teacher change your name because there’s a boy who has the same name as you. “Alexa” won’t stick after 5th grade. Your teacher was awesome, but you shouldn’t have had to sacrifice your name.
  • Stick with the piano lessons. You’re musically gifted. Yeah, the lessons sucked, but you need a different piano teacher.
  • There will be people who will fat shame you well into college. Don’t give them the time of day.
  • Take the time to learn math.
  • Did I say you’re beautiful?
  • Take naps. As you get older, you will try to bank sleep. It doesn’t work that way. Your 33-year old self is learning the value of sleep after the damage has been done.
  • If someone stresses you out so much that you’re physically ill, and they’re not changing their behavior after years of you talking to them…let them go.
  • Challenge yourself. Sometimes you will be put in situations that you’re not a fan of, like remedial math. Know that it’s for your benefit and growth. Take punches in stride, and know it’s okay to cry.
  • Keep reading those books on the bus. Read as much as you can.
  • Keep singing.
  • Keep watching anime. And no, it isn’t from the devil.
  • Take pride in your Japanese heritage.
  • Take advantage of the travel opportunities you have. Tell Mom to let you travel to France with your Dad.
  • On that note, tell Mom that you want to study the arts with your Dad’s friends.
  • Speaking of Dad, he has a secret to tell, and it’s okay. It’s nothing to freak out about regardless of what religious bigots will say.
  • You have crushes on girls, and it’s okay.
  • Be proud of yourself and who you are. Can you tell there’s a self-esteem empowerment vibe here? That’s because I know how bad you feel about yourself, and it’s not your fault.
  • Be comfortable in being uncomfortable. Once you settle into this concept, it’s extraordinarily powerful, and you’ll be unstoppable in achieving your dreams.
  • Call people more. Write letters and postcards.
  • Ask Mom to have you see a therapist in high school. Those feelings you have weren’t just hormones. You will develop anxiety and depression. Take care of it sooner than later so you can enjoy life sooner. Medication is okay.
  • It will take you years to unlearn a lot of things. But trust me, it’s worth it.
  • Don’t let people disrespect you. It’s okay if people don’t like you. Self-respect is key.
  • Learn to walk away. Understand that there will be some people who will never see beyond themselves or the hurt they caused you.
  • Wear your retainer.
  • I keep saying this, but you’re beautiful. You will spend a lot of time on trying to make your body perfect that will hurt you. Just because you’re huskier than the other girls (let’s face it, you always have), it doesn’t mean you’re worth less or you’re not beautiful.
  • There is power in words.
  • Smile and be kind. Sometimes you can be a light not only to others, but to yourself.
  • You love cats, and it’s okay.
  • I hope you start loving yourself much earlier in age than I did.
  • Be a warrior instead of a worrier. Everything will work out in the end.

Finally, I love you.

Love, Alex

Go Ahead, Just Live

Alex Matsuo

January 30th is not my favorite day.

It’s a bit odd to think that it’s been 3 years since my mom died. A lot of things have happened in the last three years; I became a published author, got back onstage, found myself in a serious relationship, started working from home, and moving forward with my life…finally. Granted, the thought of moving forward without my mom was terrifying because it reminded me that she was gone. If and when I get married and have kids, my mom won’t be there to celebrate with me. I often find myself somewhat haunted by her memory with moments. I can see a movie and think, “Oh, Mom would have loved that.” Or I see something in Target and think about how I would have bought it and sent to my mom as a surprise.

I stopped living. But this wasn’t the first time I stopped myself from living life.

No one really talks about the regrets. I had a rocky relationship with my mom that only improved in the last few years of her life. Things happened that would’ve completely destroyed our relationship. Things happened that should have determined that we weren’t a family anymore. But, there’s that thing called forgiveness. I don’t know how to describe it. Even though both I and my mom did things that weren’t part of the “picture perfect” narrative of a mother and daughter, at the end of the day…she still loved me with all of her heart. Her former tax clients and coworkers still come up to me to tell me how proud of me she was and how much she loved me.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that you can still make some terrible mistakes while loving someone. Of course there are lines, and there are times where lines are crossed and separation is healthier. But my mom never ceased to love me and do whatever she could to prove that to me. Looking back, now that she’s gone, I wish I would have forgiven her sooner. In the moment, not talking to her or being mean to her seemed like the right decision. At the time, trying to separate myself from her seemed like a good idea. But all it did was prolong the pain and put off the resolution that would eventually happened. It caused me to lose time with my mom, and I truly regret that. I regret listening to those who encouraged me to continue that division, not looking at the bigger picture and only looking within myself. Because I neglected to look at long-term, I’m left living with the “what ifs.” There are a good amount I’ve finally let go of, but there’s still work to be done.

For too long, I have held myself back from living my truth. I literally put myself on hold because I wasn’t skinny enough. I thought that because I was fat, I wasn’t allowed to enjoy things in life-like go to the beach. I also saw myself unworthy of love, and I literally held myself back in relationships because I thought my weight deemed me unworthy. I got this from my mom. She held herself back for decades after I was born. She didn’t date, she didn’t allow herself to enjoy the body she was in because of some awful words my biological father said to her years before. I found myself following in my mother’s footsteps because she projected her issues of self-image onto me. I need to break that cycle. It’s not my mom’s fault, it was the society she was born and raised in.

You know what I also wish? That we didn’t have such low self-esteems of ourselves that we barely took a picture together in the last years of her life. So, next time you’re taking family photos and you’re worried that you look fat, tired, stressed, etc. Just take the picture. If anything, take the picture to remember that moment in your life. None of use look as bad as we think we do. How many times have we seen pictures of ourselves from 10-15 years prior and thought, “I looked pretty good.” I never got to enjoy who I was back then. I’m sure as hell going to enjoy myself now, even if I am overweight, boring, etc. I owe not only myself that, but also my future self.

Grief is truly a funny thing. It comes in waves. You’re fine one minute, but then something as simple as a flower will send you over the edge. You don’t ever get over losing someone you love. You just learn to live without them. Yet, no one talks about the regrets you have. You can’t go back in time and reverse your decisions. For the sake of not going through the same thing I am, call that family member you haven’t spoken to in a while. Take that picture with your kids. Say, “I’m sorry.” Go to the beach and let your bat wings fly.

Go ahead, just live.

Be the Phoenix

Alex Matsuo
It’s hard sometimes to swallow words when someone praises a person who hurt you so much. Of course, that someone doesn’t know the back story so it’s not on them.
 
This person took away my self-confidence and safe space. Since that person did what they did to me, I’m always looking over my shoulder, I don’t trust easily anymore, and my confidence took about 15 steps backward right when I was finally feeling comfortable in my own skin. That person violated my personal life as well and took liberties with my pain that felt like the moments in “Once Upon a Time” when your heart gets taken out of you.
 
But eventually, I realized that:
  1. While that person took the power upon themselves, I gave that person way too much power over me. They enjoyed that power, which gave them validation to do what they did.
  2. I can’t let someone dictate how I feel about myself because they did a crappy thing to me.
  3. Even when “triggering” moments are rampant right now, the best thing I need to do is ignore it.
  4. The truth eventually comes to light. And it’s coming to light from others who have been hurt by this same person.
I have to count my blessings. I’m *finally* in a show at Raleigh Little Theatre, I’m working from home even if there are days where it’s not easy, and my anxiety is under control. Sure, the next outburst is probably a moment away, but for now, I’m at peace. Anxiety is a sleeping beast that is unpredictable. Add in depression and you just have a whirlwind of chaos that looms over you at times.
Eventually, I’ll learn to trust again. For now, I trust my family, my boyfriend, and my closest friends. I’m picking up the pieces from the hurt I’ve been through, and using them to rise from the ashes…like a phoenix.
Wait, not LIKE a Phoenix. I need to BE the phoenix.

This is Anxiety

Alex Matsuo

Before proceeding further…there is triggering content in this blog post.

I feel like it’s time to show you all a photo that sums up my anxiety. This was not an easy decision, as I’m being remarkably vulnerable. But so often I hear stories of people who suffer from anxiety and get told it’s not a big deal. It’s not an illness. Just get over it.

I deal with a severe case of anxiety. It’s awful. One minute I’m fine, and one light disagreement later I’m a mess. I want to express myself, but then I’m terrified over making someone mad or have ill feelings towards me. Social situations terrify me. If a place is too crowded or too loud, I lose my mind. If someone is recording me, I get paranoid.

Going on a drive can set me off. Going out in public sets me off. I think about worst case scenarios on a regular basis. What if a shooter kills me? What if I’m in a car accident? What if I fall asleep and never wake up?

I also have self-deprecating thoughts. If I call myself a failure and a screw up I beat you to the punchline.

If you think these feelings are irrational, please know:

  • I almost died in a car accident in 2005
  • My mom died suddenly and unexpectedly in her sleep
  • I’ve been through a few interactions where guns were in the wrong hands
  • I had a stalker that sexually harassed me often, and reminded me he was watching me
  • Was in an abusive relationship for a bit. Not anymore (thank God)

The worst case scenarios have either happened or been close calls. So I feel like they’re always around the next corner. When is the next disaster going to happen in my life?

It affects my health. Specifically, it affects my blood pressure, my heart, and my whole body at times. I’m sore after a panic attack. I get migraines often. I get chest pains more often than not.

How do I deal?

To stay calm, I’ll pick at my fingers and I’ll pick at my toes until they bleed. I don’t even know I’m doing this until I feel the wetness of the blood on my skin. Rarely do I have long fingernails and toenails. I’m always picking or biting. Blemishes on my skin don’t stand a chance. I’ll scratch myself until I bleed.

“Don’t do that, Alex!”

Guess what? I don’t even know I’m doing it. It’s something my body does.

Exhibit A:

20170209_220918
After a disagreement on Facebook. Ridiculous, right?

Lately, I’ve been finding myself doing this more often since the election. I tend to vent on social media.

But in general, there are people who know I suffer from anxiety and still want to debate or fight. Until now, I’ve been silent on dealing with the feelings that result from those interactions. Today, I decided to be more forthcoming about what these interactions are doing to me. I had a few say they would back off, and it opened a dialogue on anxiety management. I so appreciate that (Thank you, Robb).

But there are others who are telling me to just deal with it. It’s a fact of life. I get it. For those who don’t understand, it’s fine. It just hurts when I’m spoken to and looked at like a freak.

When it comes to medication, I took anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, and I hated what they did to me. I was a drone. I slept all day, and I didn’t feel like myself. I still had meltdowns and relapses. In 2012, I quit cold turkey and have been using holistic treatments like oils and aromatherapy every since. I feel like myself, the meltdowns are a bit more frequent, but at least I’m coherent.

Writing and theater are my main escapes. When I write, I feel like I’m taking a break from myself, and focusing on the stories in my mind. I can be a heroine, a villain, or a bystander for a bit. I can explore other worlds and tell the stories of the characters in my mind. If I didn’t have those two things, I don’t know where I would be.

So, if you have a friend with anxiety, do them a favor: Take it easy on them. Celebrate the positives with them. Give them a note of encouragement. You might be the one thing in their day that gives them a break.

Why Stuart Scott’s Death Matters to Me

Alex Matsuo

stuart_scottI can’t promise that my words will be coherent or make sense right now. If my thoughts seem jumbled, I apologize.

Ever since I found out I was ill, I looked up celebrities who dealt with or were currently dealing with cancer. I wanted to see how they dealt with the bad days, how they encouraged people, how they continued living their lives. Sometimes the stories had happy endings, sometimes, their endings meant a beautiful life was cut short. One of the lives I followed was Stuart Scott.

While I was never into sports, every person that I knew while growing up was watching ESPN, and they watched Stuart Scott. He made sports more entertaining for me, and I remembered his catch phrases like, “Boo-Yah!” and “As cool as the other side of the pillow” and started adapting them into my own young kid lingo. When I found out that he himself was dealing with cancer, plus numerous recurrences, I decided to keep watching him, specifically his attitude and how he continued to live life. I needed someone to look up to in the times where I couldn’t deal with the pain, or the times where I couldn’t stop crying. It was extraordinarily difficult to proceed through my day-to-day life and pretend that I was okay. I didn’t want to be a worry, or a bother to my colleagues, friends, and family. There were days where I would feel so defeated or like I was not going to win.

In those times, I would do some reading on what Stuart Scott was up to and doing, so I could pull myself out of my funk. I wanted to emulate this man in his strength and attitude. He is an inspiration to anyone who is fighting cancer, in remission, or fearful of it coming back. In July, Stuart Scott made this statement at the ESPYS that I made my mantra,

“When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live.”

Hearing these words from someone who was fighting so hard, and yet living life so well, it helped me to not stay in bed and cry all day after my official diagnosis. When I had to get multiple biopsies and procedures done, Stuart’s voice rang in my head. When I had to take the first weekend off from my show because of treatment, I watched videos of Stuart’s segments filmed while he was in the midst of some of his most intense fighting.

www.chicagotribune.com
www.chicagotribune.com

Even though my diagnosis was a long-anticipated one after years of dealing with abnormal test results, I still wasn’t prepared for the “C word” when it finally reared its ugly head. Shoot, I had even had a bout with skin cancer several years ago that was dealt with surgery. But, this time was different because it was further inside my body and treating it would be more invasive. When you’re making countless trips to multiple doctors and having multiple procedures done, PLUS being in so much pain, I started to feel less than human. There were countless times where I felt like I was losing myself, and losing control of my life. There were times where I realized that I didn’t have support from certain people in my life, but then I would be quickly reminded of the people who were there to support me, both physically and spiritually.

Thankfully, surgery has been my treatment so far. But should it ever come back and escalate to more aggressive treatments, I’ll be ready for it with boxing gloves on with Stuart’s story ringing in my head, and encouraging me to not only keep fighting, but continuing to LIVE.

Rest in peace, Stuart, and thank you from the bottom of my heart.

The Mentality of Being Sick

Alex Matsuo

phoenixtearsau4In March of 2014, I had noticed something about my body that was acting weird. For the purposes of keeping this rather toned down as to what my condition is, I’ve named this ailment, “Gladys.”

I went to the doctor since not only did I not get my normal cycle for four months, and I wasn’t pregnant, but I was experiencing back pain and really bad cramps. My PMS times were always painful, but in the last year, I was dealing with crippling pain that would put me in bed for days at a time. And as time progressed, it got worse. So, to the doctor I went.

Without going into too much detail, I found out that I needed treatment for what I had. After one unsuccessful procedure that was less invasive, I had to have a second, more aggressive procedure. Right now, I’m stabilized. But mentality, I’m damaged.

First, let me start off with the fact that I’ve never thought I was immortal. In fact, I came to terms about the possibility of death about 9 years ago after dealing with a car accident that nearly killed me. Injuries are one thing, but being sick is a completely different game. Injuries heal. Diseases have a chance of coming back.

I also began to learn who my friends were, who were real Christians, who were really there for genuine reasons. When I was at my lowest, I learned who would be there for me when I needed them. I also saw the ugliest side of humanity in how others treated me once they learned I was sick.

One of the side effects of this disease is chronic pain. While it has reduced lately, being in constant pain eats away at your psychological well-being. I hate worrying anyone, so most of the time I’m never honest about how I’m feeling. I’m trying to keep my ailment a secret from the general public, and the only people who know are immediate family and friends. But sometimes I have to wonder if I should be more open to the public. Probably not. It would only hurt me.

I’ve also learned that my tolerance of dealing with pettiness and stupidity has reduced greatly. Whether it’s someone cheating on another, people nagging about traffic, spending money, etc. Well, at least you are healthy. You have purpose. We’re all alive and on the same team (for the most part). Why can’t we just treat each other with love and respect? Is that so hard to ask for?

I’ve also slowly been cutting out dramatic people in my life. If it’s not their fault, obviously that’s a different story. But when someone is constantly putting themselves in positions to willingly hurt someone and then wonder why they have drama in their life, I’m sorry but you’re out. To the people who think I’m talking about them, I probably am. Look in the damn mirror and see that the change that needs to happen is within yourself. Grow up, stop playing with people’s emotions and live, and start making a useful contribution to humanity.

Yeah, I sound mad. Because I am. Dealing with Gladys has made me extraordinarily angry. I’m angry at life, I’m angry at God. I’m just angry. While I’m happy with everyday that is given to me, my limitations make me so angry. I’ve been poked and prodded. I’ve been on more medications than I ever wanted to be on.

During times such as this, I honestly wanted to give up. But then a good friend of mine reminded me of my grandmother. She had nearly every health issue in the book, and yet she always kept pushing through and living her life. I’m not dealing with anything near to what she had, and I’m falling apart. If my grandmother could get through life with a broken ankle, diabetes, pneumonia, etc. then surely I can deal with Gladys.

Anyway, this is basically a rambling blog. Trying to work out the craziness in my mind in a public venue.

Happy sleep, everyone.