I’m happy to announce that I will be investigating the St. Albans Sanatorium with my team, the Association of Paranormal Study, tomorrow night. For several years, I’ve been fascinated with this location and the history behind it. Along with CORE, we will be joined by our Meetup members. Keep an eye on my Facebook pages like Alex Matsuo and my team’s Facebook page. Live tweets will also be sent from @alexmatsuo and @AssocParaStudy!
And next weekend, I will be heading to Charlotte, NC for ConCarolinas 2016, where I will be attending as a guest for the third year in a row! My schedule will be posted soon, and I can’t wait to see everyone!
I’ve been quiet for a while, mainly due to the fact that I’m working and writing a lot! As most of you know, I wrote a book about how to increase your writing speed and amount called, 10,000 Words. Well, last weekend I broke my own record and wrote 15,000 words. No, there won’t be a sequel to the original book. But it’s good to know that I can do it.
However, the question is, “Do I want to do that again?”
The answer is no! I worked for a total of 19 hours from 7am-2am. It wasn’t the greatest day ever, but I had procrastinated my work to a point where I had to get this done. I was able to keep my energy and focus up thanks to caffeine, having a good program on television for background noise, and lots of support from my boyfriend. I know if I have to do this again, I certainly can.
I take trips as my writing reward. Here’s me at the Battle of Yorktown!
Was I creating the most innovative content on the Internet? Nope. I was word vomiting and just getting it all out for the sake of getting it out. I edited my work after a good night’s sleep, a healthy meal, and a day to mentally recover so I could look at my content with rejuvenated eyes. My content of 15,000 words was far from ready to be turned in at the natural state it was in. So, be sure to edit as much as you can after you’ve gotten some rest! Also, if you do take a day to write, no matter what number ends up on the page, be sure to reward yourself!
That’s all for now. I’m going to be popping in more often, so get ready! 🙂
I’m currently in San Diego, CA right now to give “The Haunting of the Tenth Avenue Theater” a proper launch! Tonight at 7:30pm, I’ll be doing a signing at Mysterious Galaxy Bookstore and tomorrow night there will be a launch party at the site where the book takes place. You can still join the party and RSVP! The party tomorrow, October 24, 2015 starts at 8pm.
It’s been almost three years since I left my beloved Southern California home. It’s rather odd still to see a North Carolina license plate on my car and no longer having a valid California driver’s license. Everyday, I dream of heading back out west. But, at the same time, I’ve made some attachments in North Carolina. The Tar Heel State is starting to grow on me and feel more like home. I can certainly do things in NC that I’m not able to do in California, like be a part-time writer and work a full time job and still be able to pay my bills.
A few years ago, I would have said moving to Raleigh was the worst decision I ever made. But had the move not happened, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I wouldn’t have become the writer I am today, and I certainly wouldn’t be a published author. Crazy how the world works sometimes.
For the first time since I moved, I actually miss North Carolina. Perhaps it’s because Chris is there, but Raleigh has its own charm. I do hope to move back to California someday, or at least make some more visits. But for now, I guess I’ll just consider myself a bi-coastal transient still trying to find her place in this world.
I’m not an avid follower of Steve Huff, who runs Huff Paranormal. However, I do watch his stuff from time to time. I have to give the guy credit, as he has drawn a very large audience with his work and giving exposure to the paranormal field. He has made a name for himself specifically for the fact that he released a video of his communication attempts with Robin Williams, after the famous actor committed suicide. I’m not going to comment on that. This blog is specific to his published session where he tried to communicate with the late B.B. King, who passed away on May 14, 2015 in his sleep.
On May 15th, Huff posted a video where he tries to communicate with King, at the request of over 50 of his followers, per the screenshot below.
Steve Huff posts his session with BB King.
Given that 24 hours hadn’t even passed since the singer’s death, I had a moral issue with it. Given that I recently dealt with a devastating death myself, I found the timing to be extraordinarily distasteful. So, I let Huff know how I felt.
According to Steve Huff, my view of death is skewed and negative. My comment was not to defend the dead, but instead, speaking for the grieving. As paranormal investigators, we seem to forget that the dead were once living people. Regardless of how long ago they died, they left behind loved ones who mattered to them far more than what we matter to them. If the deceased had the choice to communicate with us, or their loved ones, I’ll take a gamble to say that they will gravitate towards their loved ones.
The grieving people left behind are the ones who are suffering. They are the ones screaming and crying at the loss of their precious family member who is no longer with them. No longer can they hug them in this world, tell them that they love them, hear their voices speaking to them. That void is devastatingly fresh after a loved one passes.
Sometimes, there is a difference in doing the right thing, and what the public wants. Sometimes the public doesn’t want you to do the right thing, but instead they want you to indulge their curiosities and needs. Feeding the beast isn’t always the right thing to do.
Perhaps my view on death is skewed and negative right now…and yeah, that is because my mother died less than 6 months ago. I miss her, and I would give anything to have her back with me. But that isn’t possible. If that makes my comment silly and irrelevant, so be it.
To Steve Huff (if you’re reading) and his defenders/fans, this is who I am speaking up for:
via www.nbcnews.com & John Locher/AP
How would Shirley King feel about Huff’s session with his Andre’s Box and SCD-1?
While I can’t speak for her, I can relate to Shirley King in this picture, as it has been me since January 30, 2015. I still scream and cry, even though almost four months have passed. When you have lost a parent, your rock and your foundations are gone. It is a pain that I wish on no one. But it is a pain that I wish more people have compassion and sympathy for. But in truth, I doubt that Shirley was even offered an option or a choice.
There is a certain decorum that we as a society follow after someone dies. Typically, people gather and come together to support the people left behind by the deceased. There is the process of grief that we all feel when we lose a loved one. Those who come together in support understand that there are cues to follow in terms of what the grieving are ready to endure. What that is can vary from making funeral arrangements to getting out of bed. Grief is a funny process that can leave you catatonic on some days. In connecting this with the paranormal, I feel that even if establishing communication could lead to the Holy Grail of data, the grieving needs to be considered.
I’m not going to question whether Huff really made contact with B.B. King, as I feel it is moot. It is the very action of trying to establish contact with a dead celebrity, and then post it for the public right away without any regard to the grieving. Just because someone was famous, doesn’t mean that they are fair game for continued exploitation after death for views or social media followers. They deserve better than that. Their living relatives that are left behind deserve better than that. These people are not research tools…they are human beings. I personally feel that if Huff was genuine in his actions, he would have privately contacted King’s family (or representatives) to let them deal as they decide on what to do with the data of THEIR deceased member of THEIR family.
In closing, that decision should not have been made for them.
It’s been about 6 or so weeks since my mother died, and I’m already back to my usual activities; work, writing, radio, etc. Am I ready to be back? I don’t know. All I know is my bills have to be paid, kitties need to be fed, and I have to keep a roof over my head. Unfortunately, I don’t have the luxury to take a lot of time off from my job(s) or commitments at the moment, which means I’ve had to repress much of my grief. If the tears come while I’m in public, I’ve had to find a way to repress them and stop them from flowing. I have to keep a happy persona at all times when on the clock, lest I offend someone or I do something wrong that can jeopardize my job. In doing all of this, I’ve realized that I’m starting to dehumanize myself. The tears are inconvenient, but when there is a convenient time, I can’t get myself to cry. In fact, I can’t get myself to feel anything anymore, sometimes neither positive or negative. That honestly scares me. I don’t feel like I can grieve anymore, and I have to shut myself off. There’s still so much that has to be done in wrapping up my mother’s affairs that I can’t afford to stop and cry, or I’ll lose time. I’ll lose the ability to get done what has to get done.
The result of my actions has led me to become extraordinarily exhausted. I feel like I’ve sprinted a 10K (I’ve actually run a 10K in my life, so I know how exhausting they can be), and my brain can’t function. All I can do is stay in bed all day. Then my apartment gets neglected, litter boxes aren’t changed, there’s no food in the fridge, and my writing doesn’t get done. How are we able to function while we’re grieving the death of a parent?
Any emotions I do feel are anger. If I didn’t get ill, I wouldn’t have had to take an unpaid leave of absence, and I could have spent one last Thanksgiving and Christmas with my mom. The last holiday I spent with my mom was Easter of 2014. I honestly now resent all those circumstances because it robbed me of precious times with my mother. Anger and numbness. That is my life right now. And I feel so powerless and helpless in trying to change that because I keep repressing.
Honestly? I’m scared that this will be my life from now on. And I no longer have the support of my mother because…well, she’s dead. I used to talk to her about all of these issues. She would bring me back to reality after listening to my problems because she was the one who knew me best. I don’t have that….I don’t have that. I. DON’T. HAVE. THAT. ANYMORE.
This is a blog that I thought I would never need to write. In fact, this is something I never wanted to face.
On Friday, January 30th, a friend of my mom’s text me to ask if I heard from my mom yet. I realized I hadn’t heard from her really since Wednesday night. It wasn’t uncommon to skip a day or two in communicating with my mom, so it was nothing out of the ordinary for me. Plus, my mom recently had surgery so I wanted to give her some space to rest. Just in case. I stepped aside from work and called both of my mom’s numbers. No answer. I communicated with family members in her area and asked if they could check on her. No one could get there immediately. I thought I would wait until I was off work since I only had a few hours left. Surely, my mom would have called or texted me back by then.
An hour goes by…nothing. I start to get agitated. I step outside during chapel to call again. No answer.
I talk with my co-worker and decide to call the police to have them do a welfare check on her.
As I’m driving home, I start to get more anxious and nervous. I couldn’t allow my mind to rest. I kept trying to tell myself that maybe she was sleeping (since she had surgery on Monday), or she was at a doctor’s appointment. After an hour, I still didn’t hear from the police, so I called to follow up. The deputies had just arrived at the scene and her car was in the driveway. They would call me back.
I decided to lay down in my bed while cuddle my kitties. I was keeping friends and family updated, as we were now all becoming concerned.
Then, my phone rang from my mom’s area code. I picked up the phone to answer.
“Is this Alex?”
“Yes.”
“We went ahead and checked up on your mother…”
“And?”
“I’m sorry to report to you that she has passed away in her bed.”
It’s been about 6 days and his words still ring in my ear. Repeating over and over again. When he broke the news, I started repeating “No” as much as I could. I actually hung up on him.
I had never screamed in agony before this. I couldn’t stop screaming and crying. I tried to get out of bed but I couldn’t get up. It was as if my legs had stopped working. I fumbled as my phone started ringing and I answered and told my mom’s friend she was gone. I don’t remember who called who, but I told my uncle the same. I looked into my phone to see who I could call. I couldn’t even see straight. I called my friend Julia and told her my mom died. She dropped everything and came over. I wrote a status on Facebook that only said, “My mom died”
An hour later, I had about 5 people in my apartment packing for me, cleaning, making calls, and communicating with my uncle on travel arrangements. As I drank the red wine in the glass, I started to go completely numb. I couldn’t even function. Soon after, my uncle told me to call the coroner.
As I sat on the phone and listened to the coroner tell me about how my mom died, it was a blur. She died of internal bleeding from her GI tract, which was indicated by the fact that blood came out of her nose and mouth as they moved her body.
I never had a chance to tell her that I loved her once more.
I immediately regretted all the times I took my frustrations out on her.
I can’t comprehend the fact that I can’t pick up the phone and call her to ask her for advice or just to tell her about my day.
At this point, my blogs for the next months could very well be me mourning my mother. I’ve never dealt with a death of a parent before, and I don’t know where to start.
I can’t promise that my words will be coherent or make sense right now. If my thoughts seem jumbled, I apologize.
Ever since I found out I was ill, I looked up celebrities who dealt with or were currently dealing with cancer. I wanted to see how they dealt with the bad days, how they encouraged people, how they continued living their lives. Sometimes the stories had happy endings, sometimes, their endings meant a beautiful life was cut short. One of the lives I followed was Stuart Scott.
While I was never into sports, every person that I knew while growing up was watching ESPN, and they watched Stuart Scott. He made sports more entertaining for me, and I remembered his catch phrases like, “Boo-Yah!” and “As cool as the other side of the pillow” and started adapting them into my own young kid lingo. When I found out that he himself was dealing with cancer, plus numerous recurrences, I decided to keep watching him, specifically his attitude and how he continued to live life. I needed someone to look up to in the times where I couldn’t deal with the pain, or the times where I couldn’t stop crying. It was extraordinarily difficult to proceed through my day-to-day life and pretend that I was okay. I didn’t want to be a worry, or a bother to my colleagues, friends, and family. There were days where I would feel so defeated or like I was not going to win.
In those times, I would do some reading on what Stuart Scott was up to and doing, so I could pull myself out of my funk. I wanted to emulate this man in his strength and attitude. He is an inspiration to anyone who is fighting cancer, in remission, or fearful of it coming back. In July, Stuart Scott made this statement at the ESPYS that I made my mantra,
“When you die, it does not mean that you lose to cancer. You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live.”
Hearing these words from someone who was fighting so hard, and yet living life so well, it helped me to not stay in bed and cry all day after my official diagnosis. When I had to get multiple biopsies and procedures done, Stuart’s voice rang in my head. When I had to take the first weekend off from my show because of treatment, I watched videos of Stuart’s segments filmed while he was in the midst of some of his most intense fighting.
www.chicagotribune.com
Even though my diagnosis was a long-anticipated one after years of dealing with abnormal test results, I still wasn’t prepared for the “C word” when it finally reared its ugly head. Shoot, I had even had a bout with skin cancer several years ago that was dealt with surgery. But, this time was different because it was further inside my body and treating it would be more invasive. When you’re making countless trips to multiple doctors and having multiple procedures done, PLUS being in so much pain, I started to feel less than human. There were countless times where I felt like I was losing myself, and losing control of my life. There were times where I realized that I didn’t have support from certain people in my life, but then I would be quickly reminded of the people who were there to support me, both physically and spiritually.
Thankfully, surgery has been my treatment so far. But should it ever come back and escalate to more aggressive treatments, I’ll be ready for it with boxing gloves on with Stuart’s story ringing in my head, and encouraging me to not only keep fighting, but continuing to LIVE.
Rest in peace, Stuart, and thank you from the bottom of my heart.
In March of 2014, I had noticed something about my body that was acting weird. For the purposes of keeping this rather toned down as to what my condition is, I’ve named this ailment, “Gladys.”
I went to the doctor since not only did I not get my normal cycle for four months, and I wasn’t pregnant, but I was experiencing back pain and really bad cramps. My PMS times were always painful, but in the last year, I was dealing with crippling pain that would put me in bed for days at a time. And as time progressed, it got worse. So, to the doctor I went.
Without going into too much detail, I found out that I needed treatment for what I had. After one unsuccessful procedure that was less invasive, I had to have a second, more aggressive procedure. Right now, I’m stabilized. But mentality, I’m damaged.
First, let me start off with the fact that I’ve never thought I was immortal. In fact, I came to terms about the possibility of death about 9 years ago after dealing with a car accident that nearly killed me. Injuries are one thing, but being sick is a completely different game. Injuries heal. Diseases have a chance of coming back.
I also began to learn who my friends were, who were real Christians, who were really there for genuine reasons. When I was at my lowest, I learned who would be there for me when I needed them. I also saw the ugliest side of humanity in how others treated me once they learned I was sick.
One of the side effects of this disease is chronic pain. While it has reduced lately, being in constant pain eats away at your psychological well-being. I hate worrying anyone, so most of the time I’m never honest about how I’m feeling. I’m trying to keep my ailment a secret from the general public, and the only people who know are immediate family and friends. But sometimes I have to wonder if I should be more open to the public. Probably not. It would only hurt me.
I’ve also learned that my tolerance of dealing with pettiness and stupidity has reduced greatly. Whether it’s someone cheating on another, people nagging about traffic, spending money, etc. Well, at least you are healthy. You have purpose. We’re all alive and on the same team (for the most part). Why can’t we just treat each other with love and respect? Is that so hard to ask for?
I’ve also slowly been cutting out dramatic people in my life. If it’s not their fault, obviously that’s a different story. But when someone is constantly putting themselves in positions to willingly hurt someone and then wonder why they have drama in their life, I’m sorry but you’re out. To the people who think I’m talking about them, I probably am. Look in the damn mirror and see that the change that needs to happen is within yourself. Grow up, stop playing with people’s emotions and live, and start making a useful contribution to humanity.
Yeah, I sound mad. Because I am. Dealing with Gladys has made me extraordinarily angry. I’m angry at life, I’m angry at God. I’m just angry. While I’m happy with everyday that is given to me, my limitations make me so angry. I’ve been poked and prodded. I’ve been on more medications than I ever wanted to be on.
During times such as this, I honestly wanted to give up. But then a good friend of mine reminded me of my grandmother. She had nearly every health issue in the book, and yet she always kept pushing through and living her life. I’m not dealing with anything near to what she had, and I’m falling apart. If my grandmother could get through life with a broken ankle, diabetes, pneumonia, etc. then surely I can deal with Gladys.
Anyway, this is basically a rambling blog. Trying to work out the craziness in my mind in a public venue.
Well, first of all: Shame on me. It’s been 5 months since I’ve updated this blog. But I’m happy that it’s still getting a ton of traffic for my Shakespeare posts (now I know what the audience really wants).
Anyway, now to catch you all up to my life as I know it thus far. Wild Party opened and closed, and it was a great show to be a part of. I made some wonderful new friends and connections in the Raleigh theatre community. I also decided to start doing a podcast for the theatre community in the Triangle area. I’ve been slowly collecting interviews and I hope to debut the podcast “Triangle On Stage” in August.
Speaking of shows, I’m a part of the cast of Xanadu at North Raleigh Arts and Creative Theatre and will be playing in September. If you’ve ever seen the original god-awful movie with Olivia Newton-John, you probably know that the musical is all camp and overall just fun. I’m really excited to be a part of the show and so far the rehearsal process has been all smiles. Plus, I get to bust my skates out again!
So, let’s get to business. I’ve gone through a whirlwind of a year since moving to Raleigh on June 1st, 2013. My life has changed in many unexpected ways. While initially it may have seemed like the events of last year were the worse thing to have ever happened to me, looking back…I feel like I might now understand what the Universe (or God) was trying to do.
Anyway, I’ve really been working on “me”, specifically when it comes to forgiving myself and taking responsibility for my actions of basically my entire life. I had a wise friend who gave me a heart to heart, because even after things calmed down, I still wasn’t all that happy. This friend told me that I needed to start taking responsibility for my actions in why I wasn’t happy. Of course, hearing this was at first very startling and doesn’t seem like the right thing to say to someone who was having an emotionally difficult time. But the reason being is that, I was living like a victim. And thus, it was a perspective that didn’t give me any control over my life. My life, my choices, etc. are all related to where I am exactly now. The important thing I needed to do was to take responsibility for my actions that I had control over, and then forgive myself. Interestingly enough, once I started forgiving myself, it was easier to start forgiving others.
The other part of this was also acknowledging where I didn’t have control, and to let certain things go, and to not continuously revisit the painful chapters. In the case of my stalker, it was a time where I let him make me feel like I was powerless and I lived in fear for several months before finally taking him to court to get the restraining order, which was granted because he waived his right to a hearing and consented to my testimony in court. I cried when that happened…it made me reconsider my relationship with God because I felt as though He finally threw me a bone. I would never wish what I went through with my stalker on my worst enemy. It was a frightening and awful experience that still leaves me looking over my shoulder all the time.
When I look at the people who wronged me today, I just feel sad for them and my heart goes out to them. I feel sad for the people who still hold grudges and post passive-aggressive messages knowing that it will do nothing to head towards a resolution. But, these are all doors that I’m in the process of closing. Looking back just leads to reopening those wounds and revisiting the pain on a regular basis, and I can’t do that to myself anymore. Do I hope for a resolution in the future? Of course. But I’m not going to tear myself apart anymore because it’s not happening.
And that’s taking responsibility by taking care of myself, and for the first time ever, doing things to help place myself on the road to genuine happiness. I have a job that I love, I have wonderful friends that I’ve made since moving here, I’m in a show and doing what I love, and I got the apartment of my dreams. I can’t really complain right now, but I also don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch because life always has that way of reminding you to appreciate the little things in life like having a roof over your head and food in your stomach. Basically, I’m enjoying life right now and not taking it for granted. Why?
Because it’s my responsibility to do so as a member of the human race.
My paranormal team is growing and attracting some pretty brilliant minds.
It’s not a bad start to the year, and the remaining 11 months look promising. I have some other cool stuff in the back burner that I quite can’t announce yet, but it’ll be good stuff.
In comparison to 2013, I have to say that I’m much happier and healthier. I’ve lost some weight, my heart rate is the lowest it’s ever been, I’m eating right, and my anxiety has reduced greatly. I’ve also made some great friends and finally settling into Raleigh…more than 6 months later.
Anyway, I guess the point of this blog for today is this: Even when things are horrible, crappy, and you don’t think you’re going to survive…keep holding on. It will improve and get better. If you were to tell me 6 months ago that I would be where I’m at today, I wouldn’t believe you. But hey, good things do come to those who wait, you just have to keep swimming.
This was a short blog, but I promise that I’ll have meatier stuff starting next week. 🙂
