This Little Light of Mine

If you know me well, which most of you do, if you had to name two things I love it would be theatre and the paranormal. Theatre has been a part of my life for over 20 years, and it isn’t going anywhere soon. The paranormal found me, so to speak, and it’s been at the forefront of my mind since I was a kid. Regardless of where I end up in life, those two things will always be important to me.

I will say 99% of the people in these communities are amazing and fantastic. But that 1%…not so much. It doesn’t mean they’re bad people. It just means our personalities are quite different and it wasn’t a good mix. However, that 1% has gone out of their way to hurt and break my spirit it seems. Like, they need to put me in my place.

Why does that 1% get more attention than the other 99% who are amazing to me? Maybe it’s because I once trusted them? I need to stop focusing so much on the people who have hurt me. I’ve noticed a pattern with those who end up hurting me, and it usually goes along like this:

  • They aggressively insert themselves into my life to become my friend
  • They do a lot of favors for me
  • In turn, they expect me to go to bat for them in ridiculous circumstances because of said favors
  • When I can’t deliver or don’t meet their standards when I do go to bat for them, they leave quite dramatically
  • Thus follows about a year’s worth of petty drama and a one-sided pissing contest

Now that I’ve noticed the signs early on, I’m usually pretty good at picking this up. When this happens, I divert myself away from the person as soon as possible. But what happened to giving people chances? Nope. Not doing it anymore.

I’ve put myself out there to the extent now that my light faded for a bit. But, it’s time to let that shine. If that means certain people aren’t invited to the party, so be it. I’d rather have just 1-2 friends who are awesome than 50+ friends who take advantage of my weaknesses and vulnerabilities for their personal gain.

Let your light shine, and don’t you dare let someone else put it out.

Is This What Pride Feels Like?

Last night was our last rehearsal for “The Vagina Monologues” before we moved into the theatre. I’ve been getting told by my friends and family how proud they are of me for pulling this off and putting it together. Most people know how I feel about compliments, and I’ll keep the tradition going. This production was so much bigger than me! It was a massive puzzle that had to be put together, and every person involved has been a piece of that puzzle. Without them, this production wouldn’t have happened.

16836217_1356874697702905_7586359801460349449_oI’ve been crying a bit for the past day, but for once it’s because of a good thing! I’m so proud of this show! I can’t even explain in words how much my heart is bursting! It’s been a journey, but it has been SO POSITIVE!

This was honestly a crazy idea that I had back in December. This means that this production was a last minute decision that was pulled together in less than 3 months. I honestly could not have done it without Loni Price, Pimpila Violette, Emily Hamm, Ashley Jones, Alissa Alba, and Sarah Gendron. They were the first to answer the call when I put it out on social media that I wanted to do “The Vagina Monologues.” They kept me grounded, went along with the crazy ideas, and put their whole hearts into this project. I owe you ladies so much, and I don’t know how I will ever repay you.

Not only that, but I got so lucky with this cast.

For example, Kelly McConkey dove in even before she auditioned and was getting donation items, gave out of her own pocket and spread the word about the show like a true leader. She boosted me up when I felt hopeless and ready to give up on everything in my life, even on the paranormal side!

Joanna Herath is such a joy in my life. She was in the staged reading of my play, “Japanese Eyes/American Heart”, and she is amazing in Vagina Monologues. She has also done tremendous work on our fundraising end and made it possible for us to have a counselor present for our show.

I hadn’t met a few of the women before this show. Like Arin Dickson…holy cow! She is so passionate, and can own a stage like no one’s business! I am so glad she is with us!

Arrissia Blanton is one of the strongest women I have ever met. She brings so much to her monologue, and you don’t want to stop watching her!

Chelsey Winstead is not only a sweetheart, but she makes me laugh so hard that I’m in near tears. I have enjoyed getting to know her, and I look forward to working with her in the future!

Speaking of tears, Maribeth McCarthy made me cry last night with her reading of “The Vagina Workshop.” I hadn’t worked with Maribeth before, and I’m so glad she wanted to be a part of this!

Amani Mckenzie brought new life to “My Vagina Was My Village” and her sweetness just made her portrayal of the devastation that much more heartbreaking.

Every day, Nicole Graziano inspires me to do more, live better, and be a fighter. She is someone who I feel honored to be in the show with.

I knew of Lauren Bamford but I hadn’t had the chance to see her perform until now. She brings “Hair” a new life that I have never seen before.

I can watch Lynnette Barber perform all day. She brings about a sense of calm and control that is so fascinating to watch, and she has one of the longest pieces in the show. And you know what? She rocks it and does it justice!

Sharon Moyer…where do I begin? What a talent and such a joy to work with. She is so dedicated to the cause that she drove from Fayetteville to be a part of this cast. She saw the cause as THAT important, and she makes me weep during “I Was There in the Room.”

Nan L. Stephenson has the challenge of bringing the annual Spotlight monologue to life. Let me tell you all, it’s a doozy. But Nan takes it on flawlessly and brings Eve’s words to life in such a way that I want to stand up and rise for the cause.

Seema Kukreja is one of the most passionate people I have ever met! She has put her whole heart into this production, and she has given so much of herself! Having her in this show is truly a blessing.

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As I watched the cast run through the show on Thursday night, I thought, “Wow…we have a show.” I felt so proud of these amazing women!

I have to give major kudos to Michelle Johnson. When we needed someone to wear the Pinky costume…aka dress as a giant vagina, she volunteered and has owned the role!

Kelly Buynitzky has been a tremendous helper since day one by spreading the word. Even at auditions, she was helping us sort papers, and she has helped promote the show.

I have to say how grateful I am to Jennifer Torres of Wake Health Medical Group. I met her at Friday Free for All at “Bob and the Showgram” and when I learned she did vaginal rejuvenation sessions, I knew I had to tell her about Vagina Monologues! Not only did she help promote, but also donated a rejuvenation session for our silent auction that’s worth $750! You can check out V-Day Raleigh’s silent auction here.

Finally, I have to give kudos to our show night volunteers! Ann Haigler, Heather Curry, Janice Blevins Hillanbrand, Julia Fair, Elizabeth Breakey, Marianne Ayers, Ciaran Cavanaugh, Juanita Velázquez, and Chris Yarborough will be on the front lines during the show to make sure the patrons have a great experience. And we also have Sheri Leider coming as our counselor in case anyone is triggered by the content.

I hope you will be able to join me on Monday February 27th and Tuesday February 28th at Sonorous Road Productions and see all of this hard work come to fruition as we raise money for InterAct of Wake County!

To get tickets, please click here. To donate to V-Day Raleigh’s Generosity page, click here.

3 Years Ago I Thought My Life was Ruined

“I’m gonna take a deep breath.
Gonna hold my head up.
Gonna put my shoulders back,
And look you straight in the eye.
I’m gonna flirt with somebody
When they walk by.
I’m gonna sing out . . .
Sing out.”
On this day, three years ago, someone who I thought was a friend did something awful. About a month after I moved to Raleigh, before July 23rd I found myself newly single because my ex couldn’t take the drama anymore associated with my job. Then on the evening of July 23rd, 2013, I found out on Facebook fan page that I was now unemployed after a month long of silence and dealing with a gag order placed on me, taking the brunt of some God awful online bullying, and thousands of miles away from any support system I had. I thought my life was completely ruined. I was sitting alone in an apartment full of boxes and I couldn’t stop crying. After taking phone calls from people checking on me, I had to pick myself off the floor. Music had always been a form of therapy, and the first song I found myself listened to was “I’m Here” from The Color Purple. In the midst of my tears, I told myself that I would get through this and be a stronger person from the experience. I was at my lowest point. My mother came into town within a day to help me through it. I cried every day over the whole ordeal for a good 6 months. I gained weight. I nearly gave up on myself.
Well, it’s taken about three years, but I’m finally okay. After losing that job, getting publicly mocked and slandered on Twitter by grown adults, becoming nearly homeless, and having people who SWORE to be my friend turn their backs on me, it ended up being the best damn thing that ever happened to me. It was in that moment that I made the decision to continue to work on my book, and take it one day at a time. Things were so bad that I considered suicide. But for my mother’s sake, I made a promise to just take it one day at a time and find an outlet to work through the feelings of pain, betrayal, confusion, and self-loathing. Had I not worked on that book, The Haunted Actor, I wouldn’t have become a published author with The Haunting of the Tenth Avenue Theater. I wouldn’t have met the incredible people from the con scene, and I wouldn’t have met the incredible women who make up my team in NC. I lost a lot on July 23, 2013, but I have gained so much since then. I never thought I could live off of full-time writing, but it has happened. I never thought I could find love again, but it has happened. I never thought I would be living off of my passion for theatre, but it has happened.
“I believe I have inside of me
Everything that i need to live a bountiful life.
With all the love alive in me
I’ll stand as tall as the tallest tree.
And I’m thankful for everyday that I’m given,
Both the easy and hard ones I’m livin'”
Was the journey easy? No. I lost my mother about a year and a half ago. My mother was my biggest cheerleader, and I still feel the void every day. It’s not getting any easier, I’ve become more accustomed to the loss and getting used to it.
On Saturday night, July 23rd, 2016, I got to see The Color Purple on Broadway. It feels like this chapter of my life has come full circle, and now I’m celebrating. As I watched Danielle Brooks rock it as Sofia, Cynthia Ervio sing her heart out and receive standing ovations, and Heather Headley (a Broadway legend) sing within a few feet from me, I thought about a lyric from the show, “Look what God has done…” and savored every minute of it. Then, tonight, I’ll be seeing Hamilton, which has become a show that has meant so much to me. Hamilton has really hit it home for me that we have a limited time here, and I need to do something big to positively impact the world around me. Whether it’s telling the stories of people around me through writing and acting, or helping those less fortunate through volunteer work and donating to charity, the story I want to leave behind holds love, truth, friendship, and family.
For the first time in three years, I can afford to go on not just one, but several vacations. I’m back on track with my student loans, if not better than before. My income is better than it ever has been before. My team is doing great, and overall, things are so wonderful. Had I not had that devastating moment three years ago, I wouldn’t have the incredible blessings that I have today. I’ve learned a lot, cried a lot, bled a lot…well, I’ve been through a lot. I’ve made so many new friends and have a family here in NC. From my team members; Beth, Amy, Maeve, Amanda, to the theatre community, they have all blessed my life so much.
If you’re going through an awful time right now, while it may not seem like it, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve also learned that the people who try to work against you finally get their comeuppance. You may not like the timing, but it eventually happens. The universe has a way of evening things out to restore balance.
“But most of all
I’m thankful for
Loving who i really am.
I’m beautiful.
Yes, I’m beautiful,
And I’m here”

Reflections on Becoming a Published Author

Today is absolutely surreal. I never in a million years thought that I could become a published author. The whole concept is unbelievable, and I can’t tell you how extraordinarily lucky and blessed I am for this opportunity. Llewellyn Worldwide has been an absolute dream to write for, and I’m eternally grateful for this amazing opportunity that they have given me.

Of course, many people will wonder where I got the idea for the book. To be honest, the idea of an entire book dedicated to a haunted theater in the midst of a busy city was not new for me. It was an idea that I had been cooking in my mind for a few years now. The Tenth Avenue Arts Center is a beautiful location and has become quite the hub for the arts to cultivate. It is also home to quite a crew of ghosts who have found a home in the multiple stories, performing venues, galleries, and more.

I hope you will consider getting your own copy of The Haunting of the Tenth Avenue Theater and explore the stories and experiences that I and my team shared individually, and as a group. The publication is in perfect timing with the upcoming Halloween season, and is sure to be a wonderful addition to your ghost story collection.

To my friends who have been my cheerleaders and supporters, thank you so much! To my family who has carried me throughout the year, you mean more to me than you’ll ever know.

Finally, to my mother, who isn’t here on this Earth to celebrate with me, I hope I’ve made you proud. I miss you everyday, and this celebration is a collaboration of happiness and sadness as I feel your absence during this time.All ghosts want their voices to be heard...Are you ready to listen- (3)

Goodreads LOVES “The Haunting of the Tenth Avenue Theater”!

Time to brag! My eyes are stinging from welling up with tears…

“The Haunting of the Tenth Avenue Theater” has already got some AMAZING reviews on Goodreads! Click here to read: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25773383-the-haunting-of-the-tenth-avenue-theater

“I am a big fan of ghost stories in many different varieties. Not only do I enjoy books, but I am also a fan of the different shows on television. I thoroughly enjoyed this book. I loved the way Matsuo walked you through her early experiences and into the story of the theater. Reading this book was like talking to a good friend. I felt as if I was beside her during her investigations and experiences. I would recommend this book to anyone who likes paranormal books.” – Lori Shafer

“I love a good ghost story. This one was amazing. I hope to someday be able to visit this location and see for myself.” – Jennie Schell

“This book was a fascinating look into an old building in Sand Diego, originally built in 1869 as a huge church . Over the years ,it has been divided and used for other groups and businesses .
The author seems to have had paranormal type experiences happen to her, even as a small child. I’d like o ear more of her stories of those years in another book !
Anyhow, she is a theatre major ,so is big into that world, and got involved with the Tenth Avenue Arts Center , in which she was taking part in the plays . She began seeing small things out of the corner of her eye, then hearing small noises, etc . She found a small group of others interested in forming a research group, and they went into the building on several ghost hunting adventures .They had quite a bit of interesting activity happen to them during these investigations.
They have heard rumors about who supposedly haunts the building( 3 main ghosts ), but had a difficult time linking any solid historical research with the building. That’s not to say the ghosts aren’t there, I guess it’s sometimes hard to find exact material that would match up date-wise to the rumors.
This was a very interesting book for people interested in ghost hunting and paranormal stories . There are also several photos taken of the outside and inside of the building .” – Julie

CLICK ON THE BOOK COVER TO PRE-ORDER!

Haunting Tenth Ave Theater (1)

The Performance of Ghost Hunting Part II

This blog is a continuation of “The Performance of Ghost Hunting, Part I

The critically acclaimed actress Fiona Shaw also volunteered to have her brain scanned, where she would switch back and forth from “acting” in the MRI machine to doing static actions such as saying the ABC’s and counting numbers. The results were that while Shaw was acting, she was using a part of her brain that was responsible for visualization. This caused me to question whether this could also lead to the potential of having some sort of psychic abilities, or in the very least, develop empathic abilities since the very essence of acting is to emulate life and present different emotions with legitimacy. However, every actor hasn’t had his or her brain scanned. But based on the fact that Shaw is an extraordinary actress, the brain activity occurring during her performance may very be similar as to the brain activity of those who use the same performance process as Shaw. Given the success rate of the Ganzfeld by artistic people, it is interesting to consider that since the experiment is partially dependent on the send of images and video, the send creates their own visualizations in their mind and send it over to their fellow artist, who may use the same part of their brain.

And if the actor’s visualization skills are stronger than the average person, perhaps it could be the reason why actors are more vulnerable. Actors and musicians are also able to channel in their emotions more efficiently so that they’re available during their performance or writing their own pieces. Could this vulnerability lead to a higher chance of having ghosts interact with these artists? I don’t think that it is a stretch to hypothesize that performance could be summoning these ghosts even those the performer has no intention of doing so. Or is it possible that the actor could be using that energy in creating their own ghosts so to speak? Like thoughtforms of characters? The actor has a much larger role in theatre hauntings than they expect.

Then we have the factoring in of the actual ghost hunts that are taking place. Ghost hunting really is a performance from the perspective of the ghosts are your audience members, and you are saying certain words and doing certain actions for the purpose of getting a response from the ghost, just as when the actor performs on stage, they are anticipating some kind of reaction from laughter to tears. But just as an actor can have a bad performance, the ghost hunter can have a bad investigation. Maybe the wrong questions were being asked, or the ghost hunter and the ghost just weren’t connecting. It can be hard to figure out exactly where the investigation went wrong. But there are things that the ghost hunter to do to ensure a smoother time, which includes doing your historical research as well as making a completely game plan of the events of the investigation.

Even in our day-to-day routine, we are in the midst of a performance until we are alone at home. In the same sense, ghosts are constantly in performance mode as well. Think about it. They might be unaware of the amount of energy they carry, and with the wrong movement, they could reveal their current state. Or if the ghost has a message to send, and is in desperate need to get the sender’s attention, the ghost may put on a performance to make sure that they are being listened.

On that note, will we ever reach a time where we will no longer expect a performance from ghosts and just allow them to talk? That will actually be my next communication experiment at the Tenth. No more expecting “yes” or “no” answers, but instead, just allowing them to talk. Once I approach an investigation in that way, collecting tangible evidence would be more difficult, unless I was able to obtain better equipment that was more sensitive and could play back the information that was collected.

The performance of ghost hunting places responsibility on both sides of the investigation relationship. It is a tug of war relationship between the ghost hunter and the ghost, as they continuously trade roles from performer to audience member, and then back again. However, unlike the ghost hunter, the deceased are forced to perform when requested by the ghost hunter. I almost want to imagine circus animals that are being chained to their cages while the ringleader cracks their whip to get them to perform. In some cases, the ghost hunter may threaten the presence with religious objects such as crosses or threaten to force the deceased to cross over to the other side. The investigation process, while this will be ironic for me to say, shouldn’t be a performance like this, but instead a mutual agreement to engage in conversation and finding the most productive method of establishing that communication. The need to impress or outdo other teams is primarily responsible for the circus-like spectacle since a team’s value seems to lie upon whether they can capture the best evidence or not. While evidence collection is important, it is being used for the wrong way. Which is probably another reason why we have so many people trying to pass off their photos of dust as evidence of a ghost, or why people are faking evidence so that they can get their 15-minutes of fame. It really is a shame, and it does nothing more than harm the research field for the paranormal, and it is the reason why this community has yet to find widespread respect.

Perhaps I am not one to talk since I was interviewed by public television about the Tenth Avenue Theater, but that opportunity came about unexpectedly, and I did not ask for the interview. The field right now is flooded with people who are using the paranormal to gain a celebrity status. Is it right? I don’t know. If I were to criticize it, I would also have to criticize those who use theatre to get famous as well. It is a hard line to tow indeed. As a believer in karma, and the mindset of “what goes around comes around”, I wonder what price we will have to pay for putting the deceased out there in the public eye and not only making them perform tricks, but forcing them to become entertainment for our own pleasure.

I have mixed feelings about guided ghost tours that take place night after night. While I love the idea of having access to haunted locations and investigating, I often find that these tours are there for the specific purpose of entertaining people. So, in this case, the audience is the tourist. I do pay for my ticket to be a part of the ghost hunt, and I often find myself being the most experienced in the group, with the rest of the attendees borrowing equipment from the host team and going around ready to jump at the first sight of a ghost. I have distinctly mixed feelings because while I feel like it is a great opportunity to expose more people to the paranormal field, it is also subjecting the deceased to being performers, all the while the teams that are hosting these tour are proclaiming that they care about the ghosts. When these tours are happening year round and people are paying a good chunk of money to be a part of the experience, I find it comparable to running a circus and cracking the whip on the animals while saying you care about them under the same breath. I have also noticed that these ghost tours actually outnumber any historical research based tours. You can tell whether people would rather learn about history or be entertained, and so which direction is society heading?

It seems that we are at an impasse, both the living and the dead trapped in the world of continuous performances. Even in life, we perform all the time from our work duties, to tasks that need to be taken care of at home. With each changing social circle, our audiences change and thus, our performances change. I don’t act the same way at home as I do with I’m with my best friend at a bar enjoying a drink. In death, it should be our time to rest. But with the constant popularity of ghost hunting, it may be a while before the dead gets a hint of peace and quiet, or “rest in peace” so to speak. Is this what we have to look forward to after we die? It is a wonder why ghosts would even stick around and bother to communicate with the living world in the first place. What if the connection with the living world is worth being objectified and turned into a performer? Or perhaps, the messages from the other side are crucial enough to share that the living world needs to be an audience for these paranormal performers in order for them to receive these messages.

The Performance of Ghost Hunting Part I

This is a two-part post about my studies into the relationship between performance and the act of ghost hunting.

A performance is typically defined as an event where there is someone who is presenting something, and there are a group of people observing. This definition of performance is not limited to only theatres or television and movies. A performance can take place at nearly any time of day at any kind of location. Performances can happen at school with the popular crowd, and they can happen at ghost hunts. Scholars have written thousands of book on performance studies and there are even degrees dedicated to the discipline. As a society that is ever growing and changing on a regular basis, there are so many different types of performances out there that appease almost every person out there. From traditional musicals that warm the heart, to the heart-wrenching dramas that influence someone to call their mother to tell them they love her, to the soul shattering avant-garde performance that makes you analyze what it means to be human….performance is an essential part of our existence that is necessary in order for us to survive and thrive.

Before we dive into the performance of ghost hunting, let us take a moment to consider the relationship between performance and spirituality. The earliest roots in theatre lie in ancient Greece in something called, “ritual reenactment”. Back before theatre and performance was established, the ancient Greeks wanted to honor the gods by telling stories of their greatness. This initially began as “oral tradition” where someone would dramatically tell stories of the gods, with an audience watching. The audience would then become performers themselves and spreading the stories around like wildfire. With ritual reenactment, these early performances including singing hymns and performing some kind of movement.

To keep this along the lines of being the abridged version, the villages and tribes began to compete with each other by adding costumes, live music, and written texts in their performances for the gods. One could argue that the original audiences were the gods, and the transition from performing for them to performing to fellow humans was one of the breakthrough moments in the creation of live theatre. Overall, theatre is a very spiritual experience, which the philosopher Aristotle argued that it was needed for the purposes of catharsis, meaning the purging of emotions. If you have ever cried during a movie, you had a cathartic experience. Catharsis was seen as a necessity for cleansing the soul.

With the thought in mind that theatre was originally intended to be spiritual and for the gods as a gift, is it a surprise that there are rumors about theatres being haunted in the first place. Some of my favorite cliché ghost stories come from the urban legend of haunted theatres from the spurned woman in white who lost her chance to be on the stage to the Macbeth curse causing shenanigans in each production, there is a strong connection there. Until the media came into existence with television and film, theatre was the vehicle for expressing society’s belief in the paranormal, and you can watch that belief evolve over time by just analyzing the plays from each time period.

I suppose that the title of this article can be misleading, as it is not an article on how to perform a paranormal investigation or ghost hunt, there are enough of those books out there on the market. Instead, it is a venture into a theory that theatre people, whether they are actors, tenant, directors, dancers, etc. they are inadvertently capturing the attention of the ghosts and causing a performance from both the living and the dead. Artistic people are interesting enough on their own, and I would not be surprised if a ghost chose to attempt communication with an artistic person over someone whose not. I will say that artists are very open-minded to the world around. Could they be lifting a psychic wall around them and making them more vulnerable to having some sort of communication with the other side? If you were dead, and you couldn’t find a way to communicate with the living, and you found someone who could hear you, wouldn’t you do whatever you could muster up to catch their attention? The answer is probably yes. But this isn’t a performance. That is the lost seeking out a solution. When the situation is reversed, and there is someone trying to communicate with a deceased person, the ghost isn’t able to communicate in the way that they used to in life, so they have to pull out the dramatic displays in order to get their point across. I would imagine that this is an extremely frustrating endeavor.

The most obvious example of performances in ghost hunting is in paranormal reality shows that became increasingly popular in the early 21st century. It is a far cry from ritual reenactment and the once cathartic experience that was the performance space. I think perhaps the reason why for this widespread popularity was the fact that the paranormal is an unknown area of knowledge. You can’t get a college degree in paranormal studies and many people who do come forward with experiences in the public eye are portrayed as being insane and not to be taken seriously. At the end of the day, these production companies need to make money. You make money by drawing in an audience, and you keep that audience by continuing to make your show entertaining. I won’t say that the “paratainment” business has sullied the investigation field, but instead, has brought exposure to the paranormal and hopefully making people more open-minded about the existence of ghosts. In the last ten years, there has also been a dramatic rise in the number of ghost tours at numerous haunted locations, where a group of people will go ghost hunting for a night while locked in a building with a guide. The paranormal reached a new height when it came to monetizing the potential interactions with the dead, which many people pay big money for. But because the factor of money is now included in the experience, I have to wonder if along with tickets being paid, if there was an expectation of goods to be delivered (such as a paranormal experience). In turn, does this turn ghosts into entertainers? And if so, what does this mean for the ghosts at the Tenth should Jeff decide to move forward with the guided ghost tours?

I would like to say that my investigations and research into the building have not subjected the ghosts into being put into a situation where they are being asked to perform tricks, since I don’t expect them to ever perform for me. If they choose not to communicate, while I may be disappointed, I acknowledge that it is their right to not talk. But another researcher from the outside looking in may have a different opinion. Where is that fine line between requesting communication and asking the ghosts to essentially perform tricks? I suppose that it is all in the eye of the beholder and the ghosts that are being placed in that situation. If you were to ask me what my long-term goal was for the Tenth, it would be that someday the most prestigious researchers in the paranormal and psychic phenomenon visit the Tenth. It would be great to be able to secure the building for a weekend (at the very least) and let these researchers loose in the building and see what comes of it.

Performers, in terms of actors, dancers, musicians, and artists, seem to be completely different people compared to business professionals or those who don’t consider themselves to be artistically minded. For example, let us go back to the Ganzfeld experiment, which is the sensory deprivation experiment that leads to the altered state of consciousness. There was a study conducted in 1992 where the American Society for Psychical Research used twenty of the most gifted students from the Julliard School in New York City and put them through the sender-receiver experiment. The results were extraordinary because there was a success rate of 50%, which was double the success expectation rate. The facilitators of the experiment, Charles Honorton and Marilyn Schlitz then used eight musicians for the remainder of the experiment. Six out of the eight students either had direct hits or a 75% success rate. Again, these are extraordinary results. The theory behind this success rate was due to the participants; especially the musicians have a dissociated state of mind. Very much like meditation, being dissociated is very much like the feeling of being on autopilot and disconnecting from the outside word. According to John G. Kruth, the executive director of the Rhine Research Center, jazz musicians who often improvise their music will go into this state as they play, channeling the environment around them as they make up their own tune. What would happen if we allowed a bunch of actors to go in and ghost hunt for a night? What kind of results would come up from the night? If we go by the results of the study of the Julliard students and the Ganzfeld experiment, it seems as though there could be potential of a productive interaction with the ghosts.

Ready for more? Here’s Part II.

Responsibility

Backstage during Wild Party
Backstage during Wild Party

Well, first of all: Shame on me. It’s been 5 months since I’ve updated this blog. But I’m happy that it’s still getting a ton of traffic for my Shakespeare posts (now I know what the audience really wants).

Anyway, now to catch you all up to my life as I know it thus far. Wild Party opened and closed, and it was a great show to be a part of. I made some wonderful new friends and connections in the Raleigh theatre community. I also decided to start doing a podcast for the theatre community in the Triangle area. I’ve been slowly collecting interviews and I hope to debut the podcast “Triangle On Stage” in August.

Speaking of shows, I’m a part of the cast of Xanadu at North Raleigh Arts and Creative Theatre and will be playing in September. If you’ve ever seen the original god-awful movie with Olivia Newton-John, you probably know that the musical is all camp and overall just fun. I’m really excited to be a part of the show and so far the rehearsal process has been all smiles. Plus, I get to bust my skates out again!

So, let’s get to business. I’ve gone through a whirlwind of a year since moving to Raleigh on 10502352_10152530408090520_5373058760609509633_nJune 1st, 2013. My life has changed in many unexpected ways. While initially it may have seemed like the events of last year were the worse thing to have ever happened to me, looking back…I feel like I might now understand what the Universe (or God) was trying to do.

Anyway, I’ve really been working on “me”, specifically when it comes to forgiving myself and taking responsibility for my actions of basically my entire life. I had a wise friend who gave me a heart to heart, because even after things calmed down, I still wasn’t all that happy. This friend told me that I needed to start taking responsibility for my actions in why I wasn’t happy. Of course, hearing this was at first very startling and doesn’t seem like the right thing to say to someone who was having an emotionally difficult time. But the reason being is that, I was living like a victim. And thus, it was a perspective that didn’t give me any control over my life. My life, my choices, etc. are all related to where I am exactly now. The important thing I needed to do was to take responsibility for my actions that I had control over, and then forgive myself. Interestingly enough, once I started forgiving myself, it was easier to start forgiving others.

The other part of this was also acknowledging where I didn’t have control, and to let certain things go, and to not continuously revisit the painful chapters. In the case of my stalker, it was a time where I let him make me feel like I was powerless and I lived in fear for several months before finally taking him to court to get the restraining order, which was granted because he waived his right to a hearing and consented to my testimony in court. I cried when that happened…it made me reconsider my relationship with God because I felt as though He finally threw me a bone. I would never wish what I went through with my stalker on my worst enemy. It was a frightening and awful experience that still leaves me looking over my shoulder all the time.

Alex MatsuoWhen I look at the people who wronged me today, I just feel sad for them and my heart goes out to them. I feel sad for the people who still hold grudges and post passive-aggressive messages knowing that it will do nothing to head towards a resolution. But, these are all doors that I’m in the process of closing. Looking back just leads to reopening those wounds and revisiting the pain on a regular basis, and I can’t do that to myself anymore. Do I hope for a resolution in the future? Of course. But I’m not going to tear myself apart anymore because it’s not happening.

And that’s taking responsibility by taking care of myself, and for the first time ever, doing things to help place myself on the road to genuine happiness. I have a job that I love, I have wonderful friends that I’ve made since moving here, I’m in a show and doing what I love, and I got the apartment of my dreams. I can’t really complain right now, but I also don’t want to count my chickens before they hatch because life always has that way of reminding you to appreciate the little things in life like having a roof over your head and food in your stomach. Basically, I’m enjoying life right now and not taking it for granted. Why?

Because it’s my responsibility to do so as a member of the human race.

2014 Thus Far

I have to say that 2014 so far is looking pretty good. Why, you ask?

  1. My book has been published.
  2. I booked my first show of the year, and it opens in March!
  3. I’ve already booked some speaking engagements for 2014.
  4. I started a brand new job that I actually like.
  5. I have a writing gig that pays me well and I get to cover fun topics.
  6. My paranormal team is growing and attracting some pretty brilliant minds.

It’s not a bad start to the year, and the remaining 11 months look promising. I have some other cool stuff in the back burner that I quite can’t announce yet, but it’ll be good stuff.

In comparison to 2013, I have to say that I’m much happier and healthier.  I’ve lost some weight, my heart rate is the lowest it’s ever been, I’m eating right, and my anxiety has reduced greatly. I’ve also made some great friends and finally settling into Raleigh…more than 6 months later.

Anyway, I guess the point of this blog for today is this: Even when things are horrible, crappy, and you don’t think you’re going to survive…keep holding on.  It will improve and get better.  If you were to tell me 6 months ago that I would be where I’m at today, I wouldn’t believe you. But hey, good things do come to those who wait, you just have to keep swimming.

This was a short blog, but I promise that I’ll have meatier stuff starting next week. 🙂

The Real Doctor Faustus

Faustus summoning Mephostophilis
Faustus summoning Mephostophilis

The legends of brilliant men making pacts with the Devil in order to acquire their knowledge is a tale as old as time.  Theophilus the Penitent was one of the earliest legends, but a man from Germany would become more famous, and immortalized in many works such as Christopher Marlowe’s play, Doctor Faustus, and Goethe’s Faust, just to name a few.  The legend of Doctor Faustus served to show the consequences of one’s decision to commit themselves to evil, but also, it seems to me that it also showed the views of those who were rather brilliant so to speak, and that “obviously” someone must have made a pact with the Devil in order to be that intelligent.  Evidence also suggests that he was a “sodomite” and a “sorcerer” that found him to be banished from several of the towns he visited in his travels.

While Doctor Faustus remains a primarily German legend, this man, named John or Idealporträt_Joannes_FaustusGeorge Faustus was most likely an actual person who was an itinerant scholar or a fortune-teller of some sorts who was a well-traveled man.  Documents that have surfaced date his activities around 1507 until around 1540, and it is believed that he died not long before 1545.  Unfortunately, any historical accounts of the real Faustus do not paint a very favorable picture of him.  The first full account of Faustus was written by an anonymous Protestant and published in 1548 was the first to associate him with the supernatural and any possible pact with the Devil.  This text would be called, Historia von D. Iohan Fausten.  The German-text’s introduction called him “a conjuror and master of black magic” and someone who “sold himself” to the Devil, as well as claiming that the enclosed accounts were from the real diaries of Faustus during his travels.

Another portrait of Faustus circa 1480
Another portrait of Faustus circa 1480

Evidence of the cause of death of Doctor Faustus have been hard to come by. Allegedly, the real Doctor Faustus died a brutal death from an explosion from an alchemical experiment.  His body was terribly mutilated, which supported the idea that the Devil did indeed collect what was due.  However this was recorded by Wikipedia and I haven’t been able to find a strong source to be completely convinced.

Then an English translation called, The History of the Damnable Life and Deserved Death of Doctor Faustus, within five years after the German-text was released.  The author was only known as P.F., and while P.F. remained consistent in the translation, there is a very apparent branch off when Damnable Life includes details that are not included in the German text.  Because of these extra details being included in Marlowe’s Doctor Faustus, it is very likely that Marlowe used Damnable Life as his main source.  Whether he used the German-text is quite possible, but there isn’t enough evidence to confirm it since Damnable Life includes all the information from the German-text.

Hopefully, this has piqued some interest for you to explore more about the Faustus legend, and make the decision for yourself.  Do you think Doctor Faustus really consorted with the Devil?  Or was he the victim of ignorance?

Further Reading

Faust Legends Translated by D.L. Ashliman

Goethe’s Faust

The Faust Book (or Faustbuch)

Christopher Marlowe’s play, Doctor Faustus

If you want to obtain the original text for The History of the Damnable Life and Deserved Death of Doctor Faustus, go to your local library or university and inquire as to whether they have a partnership with Early English Books Online (EEBO).

Cambridge – The Source of Doctor Faustus