Statement Regarding My Paranormal Affiliations

Since July of 2013, my only affiliation with any paranormal team has been with Association of Paranormal Study (APS), the team I founded in 2011, as well as having the privilege of an honorary membership with Evermore Paranormal.

My previous involvement with other paranormal groups has raised questions about the integrity and business practices of my team, APS.  During my recent time with a previous team, I was employed from in December of 2012. In July of 2013, I turned my full focus to the Association of Paranormal Study.

At APS, our mission statement is

“To promote the study and research of the paranormal field by bringing together, encouraging, and growing the paranormal community by building knowledge through workshops and lectures, hosting public investigations in local places in the city. And finally performing private home investigations for clients with a solution based practice in order to provide thoughtful and productive resolution to the clients and presence.”

We do this by helping our clients in any way we can in three different team locations; San Diego, Mid-Atlantic, and North East. All business practices conducted by the Association of Paranormal Study, its directors and investigators, are held to the upmost standards. Any business practice of previous teams in which I was employed does not reflect, in any way, the way we conduct ourselves at APS.

Nothing Else Matters Because I’m Fat

inner-beauty-is-for-fat-people

Being a fat person has exposed me to the widest variety of insults and jokes.  Whether they’re said to my face or behind my back, whenever someone really wants to insult or get to someone, they comment on their weight.  Being fat has become the ultimate haven of experiencing below-the-belt insults.

534834_383354475052705_924769454_nIt also seems that when one is fat, the quality of the person goes down.  People judge character based on weight.  Don’t believe me?  Let’s take some of my own experiences.  I was recently called fat via social media by a chain smoker.  Of course, when someone speaks up to defend a fat person, the comeback is “well they shouldn’t be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle” as they light another cigarette.

Ironic, isn’t it?  Perhaps we need to look in the mirror before judging.

Furthermore, who gave thin people the badge that gives them the right to be called good people and shame fat people?  Shaming based on size has become huge (excuse the pun) in our modern society.  There’s fat shaming and skinny shaming.  It appears that insulting one’s appearance is much more powerful than commenting on the person’s actual character.

For example, I was made to feel insignificant, basically not intelligent enough forfat-people certain endeavors that I’ve chosen to embark upon by my chain-smoking buddy.  Even though I have a Masters degree in my chosen path, I wasn’t smart enough or qualified enough, and then proceeded to comment on my weight and how I needed to spend my time and energy on becoming less of a fatass.

This is where, “Nothing else matters because I’m fat” comes from.

I’ve done mission work in third world countries, I’ve worked with special needs children, I’ve volunteered hundreds of hours into non-profits and charities, I’ve worked with inner city children…but I’m fat.  Therefore whatever I do is moot because I am large.

Of course, this isn’t true.  Some of the most intelligent people I know are overweight and/or obese.

Funny-Fat-People-Funny-Fat-People-058-FunnyPica.com_When someone posts a photo of themselves, and they’re overweight and celebrating their body image, the comments I see from naysayers/trolls the most are, “You shouldn’t be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle” or “You’re celebrating that overeating is okay.”  Here’s the thing, of course being overweight is unhealthy.  If someone feels fabulous at 500 pounds, that’s awesome!  If someone is 500 pounds, eats healthy, exercises every day…that’s great!  For me, I know the [my] human body isn’t meant to carry the amount of weight I’m carrying.  But ya know what?  It’s no one’s business but my own.  Other people’s weight and health is nobody else’s business but my own.  I sit in an airplane seat just fine so it shouldn’t bug the person next to me.  Yeah, I might be an awkward sight at the gym, but at least I’m there.  People are fat for a variety of different reasons ranging from health to emotional.  Is it my business?  No.  Nor is the reason why I’m fat is anyone else’s business but my and my family’s.  Weight is a personal concern.

If I’m a bad person, tell me I’m a bad person, don’t comment on appearance.  Throwing insults takes more than just appearances (pun intended).

Like most people, fat people (or fit/skinny/chubby/bulky/curvy/etc people) are not perfect.  Even people who are comfortable in their own skin aren’t perfect.  We all come from different backgrounds, we’ve made mistakes, we’ve hurt others, we’ve been hurt, we regret our actions…it’s all a part of being human.  This is a journey of mankind.

What needs to be looked at are the people who feel like they have to insultimages weight and body image in order to hurt others.  Maybe they’re feeling so insignificant about themselves that they have to project their own hurt and insecurities onto others.  They aren’t worth your time or taking up space in your head or heart.  Are they bad people?  I don’t know.  I’m biased.  Considering that words have so much power, a fat joke can make a person purge after eating, and self-confidence can be instantly shattered with a fat comment.  Like being fat means that they’re less of person.

Guess what?  No matter what your body size is, you are not less of a person.

What makes you less of a person is the fact you have to tear others down by commenting on their body image to make yourself look powerful.  Making memes and insulting photos of fat people is nothing more than a pissing contest to see who can be the most powerful.  People who comment on appearances in order to make themselves look good are the lowest on the totem pole emotionally and they have to make sure that someone else feels bad too, because hey, misery loves company.  Think about it, have you ever seen or heard an emotionally happy, sane, and healthy person go around spewing negativity like that?

Instead of commenting on body image as a reflection of inner character, perhaps we just need to start looking at the person beyond the fat and beyond the physique.  Being fit doesn’t automatically make someone a good person, nor does being fat automatically make someone a bad person.

If someone calls you fat for the purposes of making you feel bad, let it slide off your back (easier said than done, I know).  Because the person who said the hurtful comment is most likely feeling insignificant in some way, and in their minds, insulting you gives them power.  Don’t give them that power.

Weight does not equal character.

Making Friends As An Adult

friends

So…since moving to Raleigh, I’ve learned something huge.  Making friends as an adult isn’t quite as easy as one might think.  In San Diego, I had friends from church, high school, college, work, and doing shows.  I am a pretty social person, so the culture shock of moving to Raleigh and being stripped of a social life in the physical world was a big overwhelming at first.

Luckily, I actually had a few friends from college who lived in Raleigh so I had some social time with them.  But I still had the life of a loner and I was (and still am) very homesick.

I did a few things to cope with the loneliness:

I called my friends.

I can’t tell you the last time I actually picked up the phone and called a friend.  With the world of texting, it’s turned into a cop-out when it comes to communication.  I can’t tell you the feeling of hearing familiar voices and actually talking, and using verbal communication.  For the first time ever, I’m living alone in my own place and I never actually thought about whether I opened my mouth to talk or not.  I live in my head and don’t talk to myself out loud, I think I unintentionally took a vow of silence one day.

I wrote letters and postcards.

AE43F05C-98AA-472F-827A-CB0A0BA74331

I took a piece of paper or a postcard and I wrote to some friends.  With the world of email, texting, and messaging, this is a practice that’s on its way to becoming lost.  There’s something about sitting and writing with a pen or pencil a letter to a friend.  It was rather pleasant really.

I didn’t forget the friends I have already

It wasn’t until now that I fully appreciate the social networking ease that is Facebook.  I think I chatted more in the last three months than I ever have in the time that I’ve been on Facebook.  If you’re feeling lonely or need some interaction, a quick hello on Facebook can do wonders.

But what did I do to start making new friends?

I started auditioning.

Even if I wasn’t right for the show, I went and auditioned for any play, film, or musical I could find.  I needed to start making my face known in the theatre

community anyway, and if I booked a show, I’d be spending a substantial amount of time with these individuals.  I did get cast in a show (yay!) and I’m having a blast.

Get involved in areas that are familiar to you.  Whether it’s wine, gardening, working out, etc. go out and get involved.

I joined a social networking site for friends and dating.

Okay, it’s a step above Craigslist (I haven’t been able to cross that line yet), butI’ve actually met some

pretty cool people through a few websites.  If anything, having a beer with a stranger makes you learn about others and yourself.  Of course, I was guarded and had to use a fly swatter to get away from the creeps, but that’s real life anyway.  😉  But crazy thing:  There are websites for friendships now.  No longer do people have to go through dating websites just to make new friends.

Joining Meetup

friends2

Meetup.com is a pretty cool website where you search for meetup groups based on hobbies, interest, and lifestyle.  I’ve actually made some acquaintances who I socialize and spend time with outside of the Meetup group.  Do I dare call them friends?  I think so.

Work

Probably the place where you’ll spend most of your time and where you’ll interact with people on a regular basis.  I’m blessed in the fact that the people I work with are awesome, along with being very loving and welcoming.

I became the neighbor Mr. Rogers would be proud of

Living on the second floor and working odd hours, I happen to run into my neighbors often.  Instead of my usual keeping my head down and just walking by, I keep my head up now, smile, and say hello.  One of my neighbors helped me with my groceries the other day, and he also happens to be a cop.  The community I live in also has social events, and while I skipped the last one, I’ll go to the next one.

Enjoy the downtime

This was probably the most difficult one for me to swallow.  Getting the chance to sit back and enjoy the quiet and enjoy the downtime has turned into something very special.  Going out or talking to someone every day and evening was something I’ve done for years, and the only downtime I really had was sleeping.  Rarely did I ever put time aside for my own spiritual well-being and took time for myself.

Okay, maybe this isn’t the best how-to on making friends, but it’s a start.  If you just moved to a new city where you don’t know anyone, you’re not going to make much progress just sitting at home and doing nothing.  Don’t be afraid of going out by yourself.  Making new friends in a new town is all about getting out there and reaching out.

Making new friends and putting yourself out there all over again is scary.  It reveals a vulnerable part about yourself, and if you were a social butterfly in your old element, it’s even scarier to have to start over.  I miss my friends back home dearly.  But I’m also very grateful for the people I’ve met here in Raleigh and look forward to seeing what new adventures await.

The Real Doctor Faustus

Faustus summoning Mephostophilis
Faustus summoning Mephostophilis

The legends of brilliant men making pacts with the Devil in order to acquire their knowledge is a tale as old as time.  Theophilus the Penitent was one of the earliest legends, but a man from Germany would become more famous, and immortalized in many works such as Christopher Marlowe’s play, Doctor Faustus, and Goethe’s Faust, just to name a few.  The legend of Doctor Faustus served to show the consequences of one’s decision to commit themselves to evil, but also, it seems to me that it also showed the views of those who were rather brilliant so to speak, and that “obviously” someone must have made a pact with the Devil in order to be that intelligent.  Evidence also suggests that he was a “sodomite” and a “sorcerer” that found him to be banished from several of the towns he visited in his travels.

While Doctor Faustus remains a primarily German legend, this man, named John or Idealporträt_Joannes_FaustusGeorge Faustus was most likely an actual person who was an itinerant scholar or a fortune-teller of some sorts who was a well-traveled man.  Documents that have surfaced date his activities around 1507 until around 1540, and it is believed that he died not long before 1545.  Unfortunately, any historical accounts of the real Faustus do not paint a very favorable picture of him.  The first full account of Faustus was written by an anonymous Protestant and published in 1548 was the first to associate him with the supernatural and any possible pact with the Devil.  This text would be called, Historia von D. Iohan Fausten.  The German-text’s introduction called him “a conjuror and master of black magic” and someone who “sold himself” to the Devil, as well as claiming that the enclosed accounts were from the real diaries of Faustus during his travels.

Another portrait of Faustus circa 1480
Another portrait of Faustus circa 1480

Evidence of the cause of death of Doctor Faustus have been hard to come by. Allegedly, the real Doctor Faustus died a brutal death from an explosion from an alchemical experiment.  His body was terribly mutilated, which supported the idea that the Devil did indeed collect what was due.  However this was recorded by Wikipedia and I haven’t been able to find a strong source to be completely convinced.

Then an English translation called, The History of the Damnable Life and Deserved Death of Doctor Faustus, within five years after the German-text was released.  The author was only known as P.F., and while P.F. remained consistent in the translation, there is a very apparent branch off when Damnable Life includes details that are not included in the German text.  Because of these extra details being included in Marlowe’s Doctor Faustus, it is very likely that Marlowe used Damnable Life as his main source.  Whether he used the German-text is quite possible, but there isn’t enough evidence to confirm it since Damnable Life includes all the information from the German-text.

Hopefully, this has piqued some interest for you to explore more about the Faustus legend, and make the decision for yourself.  Do you think Doctor Faustus really consorted with the Devil?  Or was he the victim of ignorance?

Further Reading

Faust Legends Translated by D.L. Ashliman

Goethe’s Faust

The Faust Book (or Faustbuch)

Christopher Marlowe’s play, Doctor Faustus

If you want to obtain the original text for The History of the Damnable Life and Deserved Death of Doctor Faustus, go to your local library or university and inquire as to whether they have a partnership with Early English Books Online (EEBO).

Cambridge – The Source of Doctor Faustus

Howard Barker & Theatre of Catastrophe

A truly fascinating and yet terrifying playwright I’ve come across is British playwright, Howard Barker.

Howard BarkerGranted, he’s not Sarah Kane-scary, but his work is disturbing.  Barker created the genre of “Theatre of Catastrophe” to describe his work, because no other genre described his style the way he wanted it.  In the 1980’s, Barker coined the term, “Humanist Theatre” to describe the traditional style of British theatre that he so detested.  Theatre of Catastrophe was the response to Humanist Theatre.  Barker wanted to create something that would wake up the audiences of theatre today.  And while his main arguments are against British theatre, his thoughts can be applied to the American theatre as well.

To sum up Theatre of Catastrophe in a few sentences; instead of evoking one collective response from the audience, he challenges the audience member to deal with the play on their own terms and their own interpretation.  This means that instead of a play having a clear, single and direct theme, Barker’s plays are much more fragment and ambiguous so that the personal interpretation can be achieved.  In interviews, he uses the example of Brecht, stating that when he goes to the theatre, he doesn’t want to be “instructed by Brecht.”  Barker’s work contains the themes of sexuality, desire, ecstasy, individual will, criminality, performance, and death.  He doesn’t hold back in the way it is presented (example; dropping a bucket of horse blood on the actors).  He often writes about some of the most grim historical events and shows them in a manner that is open and yet, provocative.

Barker is one who wants to go against the mainstream form of theatre.  I’m currently Playsreading Barker’s Arguments for a Theatre, and I will admit that it is exhausting, even after being a little more than halfway finished.  Not exhausting as in the dialogue is dry or difficult, but coming to grasp this term and considering it as the wake up that mainstream theatre seems to need right now.  Theatre of Catastrophe, if I’m reading and interpreting this correctly, is meant to change what we know as theatre with explosive dialogue, provocative staging, and gory stories.  Ironically, I couldn’t find a uniformed definition or interpretation of Theatre of Catastrophe, and when I compared Barker’s definition from the 80’s to now, it has evolved and changed and become more extreme over the decades.  I truly had to keep track of my timeline as I began researching Barker and his theories.

Britain clearly has some disinterest in his work, while theaters in Paris can’t produce enough of his work, according to an interview with Kevin Quarmby.  I suppose it is more of a cultural deal.  But my initial thoughts are I somewhat feel that Barker is doing the one thing that he detests, and that is instructing the audience.  Even if his work is obscure and in fragments that are open to interpretation, he has to have some sort of thought or intent behind it for the audience.  There is still a theme to take away from his plays.

Although, I have not seen any of Barker’s work on stage, I’ve only read it.  I can say that his work is definitely meant to be seen and not read.  I can appreciate and applaud his work and respecting the idea that we all interpret work differently and that one cannot put the audience into one little box when it comes to the reception of work.  Others seem to not feel the same, such as Michael Bettencourt, who very much eloquently and strongly expresses his feelings on Barker.

Howard Barker is an interesting individual and deserves some attention from those who are interested.  So in closing, if there’s a Barker play opening on a stage near me, I’ll buy my ticket, but I will go in very prepared and of course, with an open mind.

Why Theatre Is Important

Theatre has been around for centuries; from the beginning of theatre through oral tradition, to ancient Greek theatre to the contemporary theatre that we know today. Theatre is an intricate part of human history.  Theatre is important because it has the ability to show the best and the worst sides of human nature.  It has the ability to purge our emotions, making it an experience that cleanses the human soul.  Even before humans had the ability to read and write, stories were passed down through oral storytelling and giving a visual imagery to people and bringing memories to a persons mind.  Today, in modern society, theatre has been embellished and more than ever, people are going to the theatre to watch stories come alive on stage and learn new life long lessons about love, friendship, betrayal, trust and forgiveness.

Theatre mirrors the past, present and future of our society.  People connect with history through the stage and can create a more effective emotional connection to our roots.  Theatre is important to me because it gives me the opportunity, as the actor, to step into another person’s life and feel their emotions and go through their journeys as a human being.  Theatre, in my life, is giving a gift to the performers, to the audience members, and anyone else who is a part of the project.  It is important to every person in all walks of life because we learn of each other, ourselves, trials and tribulations, and to perhaps, find a way to resolve our conflicts between ourselves and other people.  We learn more about ourselves and the people around, and perhaps, theatre will give us a venue and medium in which we can come to mutual understandings, or create havoc and chaos from all the different people in the room.  But that is up to us to decide.

Superhero

I started a new residency this week at a new school.  To sum up the gist of my job, I basically show Kindergarten-5th grade teachers how to integrate the arts into their curriculums.  There’s a lot more to it, but for sake of not boring anyone, I’ll leave it at that.  I love my job, it can be exhausting at times, but I get to work in something theatre-related and teach the next generation of students.  I have a tendency to get attached to my students.  What can I say?  I’m a sucker for hugs, high-fives, handshakes, and toothless smiles.  I love seeing this kids grow from being shy children to completely letting go on stage and becoming a character.  I especially love training teachers and seeing them grow and develop and become phenomenal artists, whether they realize it or not.

Screen shot 2013-02-06 at 10.50.25 AM

Anyway, today I had a student whose a four-limb amputee (for the sake of the internet, his name is going to be omitted). I’ve worked with kids with special needs on a regular basis, even working with children with autism and having them perform Shakespeare and Moliere on stage.  These kids I especially have a soft spot for because they are the most creative artists and they surprise me so much with the things they come up.  And not to mention how genuinely happy they are to be a part of a group and feel included by their peers.  While it’s trying, it’s very special and I consider it a privilege and an honor.  I end up learning a lot each time.  I learn about myself and what it is to be human.

My student whose a four leg amputee really excelled in theatre today.  We worked with mirror activities and I taught them how to warm up and this student truly led by example.  Even though he was missing his limbs, the movements he created were amazing.  I would have thought he was a modern dancer.  The way he expressed himself and took the plunge into all the activities was astounding.

Before we got into the activities, I was talking to the kids about imagination and how actors can be whatever they want to be.  They use their imaginations to become characters and be able to do things they usually can’t do in reality, or so they think.

The student asked with wide eyes and a smile, “Can I even be a superhero?”

Yes, student…while you may not know it yet, you are already a superhero.

Boxes of the Past

IMG_20130126_131511I had to go through some old boxes of mine that were sitting outside of my house.  The rain finally took over and the wind was strong enough to knock the boxes over so it was time to go through them to see if they’re worthy of bringing inside the house.

It probably took about an hour.  It’s a wet and cloudy Saturday here in San Diego, and my interest was more delved into staying indoors while watching figure skating and eating chili.  But alas, I went through the boxes.  During the experience, I freaked out about spiders, dirt, and wet soggy cardboard.  But miraculously, my belongings remained dry and untouched.

I found jewelry, photos, books, all these things that are a part of me and my history.  It’s weird to say, but this whole experience helped me find myself again.  I think I took people’s perceptions of me to establish my current identity, and to be honest, I’ve been feeling a little lost.  Apparently, my identity in the public eye has been growing, and about 98% of these people think they know me and they know who I am.  In truth, they only know one side of me.  Not even a side, they only see on sliver of what goes on in my life.  Now does this mean I want everyone to take the time to get to know me?  Of course not.  I think I’ve been ignorant of myself for about 6 months now.  I only gave attention to what people see on the surface of me.  In truth, isn’t that how we function on a regular basis?  to only judge by what you see on the exterior and what other people tell you of that person.

I believe it was RuPaul who said, “What other people think about you is none of your business.”  And it’s very true.  I’m slowly beginning to get to that place where I’m not caring anymore about what other people think of me.  I’ve come to terms with the fact that there are select individuals out there who will try to destroy me, my character, and my life.  But they will never stop my family from loving me, they will never cause rifts in my friendships, and they will never prevent me from doing what I love.  They actually have no power over me.

Just me

Going through these old boxes inspired me to revisit some old photos.  I found a photo of me from circa 2006/2007.  I almost didn’t recognize myself.  But that is the Alex I want to return to.  I cropped the photo to save my friend from internet exposure.  This is the Alex who was very social, hung out with friends on a regular basis, lived life to the fullest, worked hard, and took nothing for granted…while still in the moment of pure happiness and appreciation.  Which I’ve lost.  This photo was taken the first or second Christmas after my car accident.  Unreal.  I genuinely look happy.

I’m going to start disengaging from toxic people on the internet.  They can go and say I rip people to shreds, I’m a horrible person, I am a terrible friend, I use people, etc. but they don’t know me.  They don’t know my friends, my colleagues, and my family.  In closing, they don’t know what they’re talking about.  If the attempts of taking down the reputation of myself and other people gives these individuals the sustenance that they need to have fulfillment and the reason to live and survive, then my public identity is a generous donation to their meaning of life.

Calphurnia and Portia: Rome’s Unwanted Women

Okay, back to business.  No more paranormal for a while and back to research!

julius-caesar-portia-woundJulius Caesar is a play that is suspended between the realms of history and tragedy.  The play is maledominated, with only two women roles: Calphurnia, Caesar’s wife, and Portia, Brutus’ wife.  The lack of female presence is noticed in comparison to other Shakespeare plays where female roles are favorable, such as Twelfth Night, As You Like It, and The Merry Wives of Windsor.  David Mann discusses in Shakespeare’s Women, “Why should one play, say As You Like It, seem so sensitive to the minutiae of a woman’s feelings, and yet another, say Julius Caesar, be so cursory in its treatment?  The answer surely is that it depends entirely on the focus of the play, which, with the exception of a small group of romantic comedies, is generally on the male characters, and always reflects the male point of view”  (Mann 23).  Shakespeare created the absence of a strong female role in order to prove the tragic flaw of an ambitious, male dominated world in terms of Julius Caesar.

It is important to analyze the actions and choices that are made by these men in their world. Gail Kern Paster elaborates in the essay, “In the Spirit of Men There Is No Blood: Blood as Trope of Gender in Julius Caesar,” “The conspirators can only remake themselves, it would seem, by regendering Caesar; they can throw off the appearance of womanishness by displacing their own sense of gender-indeterminacy onto the body of their adversary and renegotiating the differences between themselves and Caesar in diacritical terms of the bodily canons” (290).    This quote touches on a common insecurity among the men of the Senate. They are envious and fearful of Caesar’s growing power.  In relation to the weak female roles of the play, the men themselves do not want to appear weak and feminine because then they will be overpowered. There is also the fear of being overruled by emotions and not being able to think rationally because of these emotions.  As Cassius states:

Let it be who it is: for Romans now
Have thews and limbs like to their ancestors;
But, woe the while! our fathers’ minds are dead,
And we are govern’d with our mothers‘ spirits;
Our yoke and sufferance show us womanish.I, ii, 79-83. Emphasis Added.

This is also proven when Caesar is being attacked over his inability to impregnateScreen shot 2013-01-21 at 4.11.35 PM Calphurnia and even requests Antony to brush by her to make her more fertile, “Forget not, in your speed, Antonius, /To touch Calphurnia; for our elders say, /The barren, touched in this holy chase, /Shake off their sterile curse. (I, ii, 10-13).  Paster also explains an interesting point that the more Caesar grows, the conspirators (or the Senate) shrink.  They must assassinate Caesar in order to secure their own masculinity.

When analyzing Caesar and Brutus and their own personal downfalls, one must look at their wives and their relationships with them.  These two ladies serve as a point of reasons and foundations for their husbands even though their warnings are not heeded.  Also, this play conveys an interesting point of view into a world without a female presence.  Or to be put more plainly, a civilization without women.  In this play, it seems that the two marriages are related into more of a partnership, as shown in the strength of these two women.  Calphurnia is so alarmed by her dream that she strongly urges Caesar to stay at home.  She is outspoken and clearly has a personality and self-made identity.  She warns Caesar and tells him to not go to the Senate. Her statement, “You shall not stir out of your house today”  (II, ii, 13) is written as a direct order and not a request.  Instead, Caesar listens to Decius’ alternate interpretation of her dream, which leads to his downfall.  Juliet Dusinberre elaborates in her book, Shakespeare and the Nature of Women, “Shakespeare’s women dream and see visions in vain, surviving to suffer the devastation they predict.  Decius interprets Calphurnia’s dream to flatter Caesar, and sketches the scorn which would attend his hearkening to his wife’s fears…” (Dusinberre 281).

To Caesar, he doesn’t heed Calphurnia’s warnings and nightmares because they are subjective.  Based on her womanly role and femininity, she is working primarily from emotions.  Instead, he believes in Decius’ interpretation and chooses to not lie to the Senate or the people regarding the condition of his health. He is murdered due to this choice.  But another reason why Caesar considers Decius’ interpretation of the dream is because it flatters his own personal confidence.  If he [Caesar] followed Calphurnia’s orders and lied to the Senate and stayed home, Caesar would have seen this as him not following through with his appointed role.  Decius’ interpretation was not only more persuasive, but also encouraged Caesar to continue to the Senate and walk into his own death sentence.

Similar to Calphurnia, Portia is determined to make sure her voice is heard and understood.  Portia goes a step further as she expects Brutus to be completely honest with her.  She desires a partnership with her husband and wants to be involved in his life.  Not only do these two share a partnership, but also Portia considers herself to be an extension of Brutus himself.  But he ignores her at first, thinking that she could not handle the real truth of his life and work. But Portia is extremely intelligent and has the ability to use language to aid her to get what she desires:

BRUTUS:  You are my true and honourable wife,
As dear to me as are the ruddy drops
That visit my sad heart

PORTIA:  If this were true, then should I know this secret.
I grant I am a woman; but withal
A woman that Lord Brutus took to wife:
I grant I am a woman; but withal
A woman well-reputed, Cato’s daughter.
Think you I am no stronger than my sex,
Being so father’d and so husbanded?
Tell me your counsels, I will not disclose ’em:
I have made strong proof of my constancy,
Giving myself a voluntary wound
Here, in the thigh: can I bear that with patience.
And not my husband’s secrets? II, i, 287-301

BrutusPortia challenges Brutus’ love for her.  If Brutus sees Portia as a comfort from his troubles, then he should be able to tell her of the conspiracy.  But he doesn’t and Portia uses logic and reason to explain her position as the wife of Brutus.  Portia’s voluntary wound is a representation of her strength and endurance as a woman in a man’s world.  Paster explains the voluntary wound as, “Portia calls attention to this bodily site not to remind Brutus of her femaleness, her lack of the phallus, but rather to offer the wound as substitute phallus” (294).  She purposely inflicted pain and injury onto herself in order to prove a physical strength that was masculine and the physical cut would serve as that proof, just as a male sexual part is proof of “manliness”.  She considers herself to be nearly like a man from her strong father who raised her, to Brutus, her husband.

Portia intentionally wounds herself to prove that she is just as strong as a man. Paster discusses that, “Later in the same scene, Portia’s self-wounding and voluntary self-display corroborate the same significance of bodily intactness as an ideological format of gender. Portia stakes her claim to knowledge of the conspiracy by seeking to efface the physical difference that separates her from her husband, difference that Brutus himself is intent upon marking”  (292).   This means that Portia’s desire to know about the conspiracy is so strong, that she intentionally wounded herself to rid herself of any signs of being a woman.  She is attempting to mutilate herself in order to be physically just like a man.

The actual action of this self-wound is significant because she is attempting to prove a point to her husband.  Paster goes on to explain that, “But Portia, unable by talking to prove her ability to keep still, turns to self-mutilation.  The gesture seems intended to imitate in little the suicides that Roman patriarchy valorized as the supreme expression of personal autonomy”  (293).  But Portia desires more than just to know about the conspiracy, she desires an equal partnership with her husband.  If she can prove that she can physically handle pain and to literally carve herself into a man, it will grant her that partnership.  Unfortunately, only so much can be done physically when her emotional state does not change genders.

Her emotional and mental state remains feminine.  Similarly, Brutus himself Portiademonstrates a flawed understanding of human emotion. Honor Matthews explains in Character and Symbol in Shakespeare’s Plays, “Both before and after the assassination he suffers sleeplessness typical of a troubled conscience […] Nevertheless, he strives to be honest with himself and others; he is idealistic, a loving husband an adored master.  Indeed Brutus’ true ‘sin’ is never wrongful self-assertion.” (Matthews 43).  This statement is interesting because it puts Brutus in more of a heroic position rather than a troubled conspirator who doesn’t know how to handle loss or failure.  This is supported by Antony’s speech in the end of the play where he regards Brutus as the only assassin who killed Caesar with Rome’s best interest at hear, “ This was the noblest Roman of them all;/ All the conspirators save only he/Did that they did in envy of great Caesar…” (V, v, 76-78).

There is an interesting point to consider in the scene where Brutus finds out about the suicide of his wife.  The news is delivered twice and both times Brutus is emotionally distant and unattached to the event. And Cassius is more affected by Portia’s death than Brutus himself.  Portia’s suicide, however, is not a sign of weakness.  David Mann explains that, “The values of the Roman matron are held up for admiration in many of the plays and are closely related to the willingness of such to commit suicide to maintain their reputations” (Mann 138).  This is supported by Brutus’s suicide after he has begun to lose the war.  Could this mean that Portia ultimately failed in attempting to be her husband’s partner and equal?  But the absence of Portia supplements a catalyst for his spiraling downfall into his own death.

Thomas Clayton explains in his text, Should Brutus Never Taste of Portia’s Death but Once, “The latter part of the play shows him characteristically and nobly enduring the consequences of his earlier folly even as he compounds it” (Clayton 244).  Brutus’ slow deterioration is due to his actions.  His initial motivation for taking part in the assassination of Caesar involved a patriotic act but soon realized the consequences both mentally and physically.  As seen in his unaffected reaction to Portia’s suicide, Brutus does not have a good handle on his own emotions.  Dunsinberre explains that, “Nevertheless, commanding his own emotions, Brutus underestimates the way in which other men are swayed by theirs.  Brutus may have more integrity than Antony but he is obtuse about passions which Antony understands”  (Dusinberre 290).

78941_juliuscaesar_mdBrutus’s disconnection from stable human emotions is his tragic flaw.  As those around him are reacting [healthily] to the events around them, Brutus does not comprehend which emotion to use.  Could it be that he emotionally shut down as soon as Caesar was killed?  Or did he disable his emotions to thwart the efforts of Portia’s insistence of knowing her husband’s secrets?  Clayton goes on to say, “There is no mistakening Brutus’s dissembling, and yet it does not register as discreditable, because of the mood and level of exchange, the residual effect of Brutus’s grief manifested to Cassius when Brutus told him of Portia’s death, and Brutus’s evident – it is more apparent – sincerity” (Clayton 251).

There are only two small roles for women in the play.  Calphurnia only makes a brief appearance and sternly tells her husband to stay home because of her vivid (and prophetic) dream.  Caesar simply puts Calphurnia’s concerns aside and instead listens to Decius’ alternate interpretation of the dream because it was more appealing and positive.  Listening to Calphurnia would have resulted in moral repercussions in his role as a leader and his reputation.  But not listening to Calphurnia resulted in his assassination by the Senate.

Meanwhile, Portia attempts to prove her role as an equal to Brutus.  Her desires to know the conspiracy of the Senate are much more than the pursuit of knowledge.  It is an attempt to become the extension of her husband and to have that partnership that her emotional state hungers for.  Even though she is attempting to prove her worthiness by physically mutilating herself into becoming a man, her emotional state remains as a woman.  Her suicide is resulted from Antony and Octavius’s rise to power and realizing that the Senate’s conspiracy plan has ultimately become a failure.  Even though she commits suicide first, Brutus is not too far behind her. Both husband and wife demonstrate an emotional disability and to preserve their honors, they commit suicide.

Shakespeare wrote Julius Caesar as a way to convey the absence of a strong female role in a male dominated world and the consequences of ambition.  Calphurnia demonstrates strength in her when she demands that Caesar lie to the Senate and stay home with her to ensure his safety.  But the attempt is counter-argued by a stronger male presence in her life.  This ignorance on Caesar’s part leads to his death.  Portia desires an equal relationship with her husband, and while she can handle the physical pain and demands of a man, she cannot handle the emotional demands of being a man.  Even though she may self-mutilate a phallus onto herself, she cannot change on the inside.  Both women are neglected and ignored.  They are unwanted women.  No matter what actions they may have performed or words they may have spoken, they did not have the power to change the story or fate of their husbands.

 Bibliography

Clayton, Thomas. “‘Should Brutus Never Taste of Portia’s Death but Once?’ Text and Performance in Julius Caesar.” Studies in English Literature (Rice) 23.2 (1983): 237. Academic Search Premier. EBSCO. Web. 27 Apr. 2010.

Dunsinberre, Juliet.  Shakespeare and the Nature of Women.  New York:  St. Martin’s Press. 1996. Print.

Mann, David.  Shakespeare’s Women.  New York: Cambridge University Press. 2008. Print.

Marshall, Cynthia. “Portia’s Wound, Calphurnia’s Dream: Reading Character in Julius Caesar.” English Literary Renaissance 24.2 (1994): 471-87. Print.

Matthews, Honor.  Character and Symbol in Shakespeare’s Plays. New York: Cambridge University Press. 1962.  Print.

Paster, Gail Kern. “”In the Spirit of Men There Is No Blood”: Blood as Trope of Gender in Julius Caesar.” Shakespeare Quarterly 40.3 (1989): 284. Print.

Rebhorn, Wayne A. “The Crisis of the Aristocracy in Julius Caesar.” Renaissance Quarterly 43.1 (1990): 75-111. JSTOR. Web. 6 Apr. 2010. <http://www.jstor.org/stable/2861793>

Shakespeare, William. Riverside Shakespeare. Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1997. Print.

Smith, Warren D. “The Duplicate Revelation of Portia’s Death.” Shakespeare Quarterly 4.2 (1953): 153-61. Print.