What Pearl Harbor Means To Me as a Quarter Japanese Woman

December 7, 2013December 7, 2020 Alex Matsuo

You may be seeing this, or something similar floating around the Internet today:

Just before 8 a.m. on December 7, 1941, hundreds of Japanese fighter planes attacked the American naval base at Pearl Harbor near Honolulu, Hawaii. The barrage lasted just two hours, but it was devastating: The Japanese managed to destroy nearly 20 American naval vessels, including eight enormous battleships, and almost 200 airplanes. More than 2,000 Americans soldiers and sailors died in the attack, and another 1,000 were wounded. The day after the assault, President Franklin D. Roosevelt asked Congress to declare war on Japan; Congress approved his declaration with just one dissenting vote. Three days later, Japanese allies Germany and Italy also declared war on the United States, and again Congress reciprocated. More than two years into the conflict, America had finally joined World War II.

Many people will see this and take a moment to remember. Many may have had family who was serving at the time and was attacked at Pearl Harbor and survived…or worse…perished. But this truly lives in infamy. For many, it meant that the boys would become men and drafted into the military to serve their country.

But what about those who looked like the enemy? What of those who were of the same ethnicity as the ones who attacked Pearl Harbor?

You probably can’t tell from looking at me, but I’m a quarter Japanese on my mother’s side. Which means my mother is half Japanese from her father’s side…my Grandpa.

Growing Up on Empty

Growing up, I adored my Grandpa. My memories of him are still very potent. He played with me, took care of me while my Mom was at work, take me to baseball games, go on walks with me every day, even when he was tired. He would also take on the role of a father figure when my Dad was unable to be more involved in my life. When I was younger, I did look a bit more Japanese, but I didn’t even notice the eyes or ethnicity. He was my Grandpa.

I was a little over a month shy of turning 7 when he died on December 3rd, 1992 (almost exactly 51 years after Pearl Harbor). It’s a day that still rocks my memory as I remembered how sad everyone was, and my Grandma telling my cousin, “We’re going to lose him.”

We did lose him. Considering he died when I was so young, I really didn’t get a chance to get to know him.

Learning from the Past

My Grandpa in his Army uniform circa 1940's — My Grandpa in his Army uniform circa 1940’s

It wasn’t until I was much older when I began to dig deep into his past. Even more so when I was working on my play, Japanese Eyes/American Heart, loosely based on my Grandpa’s experiences during World War II after Pearl Harbor. I knew of the internment of Japanese-Americans very blandly because my Grandpa had siblings either interred or they served in the military.

My Grandpa was born in Honolulu, Hawaii to Isokichi and Suga Matsuo. Isokichi was born in Japan and got on the boat to Hawaii in 1900 not too long after Japan opened their borders. Suga was born in Hawaii. My Grandpa was born in 1920, and in 1940, he enlisted in the United States Army.

I have no doubt that December 7th, 1941 affected him. Given the location and WHO attacked Pearl Harbor, I imagine there was much worry and concern of how it would affect his family.

His older brother Roy, was sent to Jerome War Relocation Center in Southeastern Arkansas.

Roy's entry in the National Archive's in the Japanese Relocation/Internment Records, — Roy’s entry in the National Archive’s in the Japanese Relocation/Internment Records,

His brother Ted, served as a medic in the famed 442nd to Company F, and was wounded on the second day of combat near Sasseta.

There are also several Matsuo’s who went to relocation centers such as Manzanar and Heart Mountain. I’m still researching and confirming whether they were a part of my family.

And then there was Keijiro (or as I knew him, “Uncle Kei”). I’m going to let Ted’s wife, Dorothy Matsuo explain what happened to him, and she recounts in her book, Boyhood To War: History and Anecdotes of the 442nd Regimental Combat Team:

“Ted Matsuo described the incredible experience of his brother, Keijiro, who had earned an electrical engineering degree from Indiana Tristate College and had gone to Japan to work because no one in the United States or Hawaii would hire a nisei electrical engineer. Keijiro had lived for a time with his brother in California, where he enjoyed diving for abalone and lobster off the coast of Monterey. The FBI was aware of his dives and accused him of mapping the sea floor for the Japanese. He was arrested, but because of lack of evidence, he was given the option of volunteering for the military in lieu of being incarcerated. Because they denied him officer status, Keijiro refused military service and was incarcerated at Sand Island. He was later released and drafted for the engineer battalion in Hawaii” (Matsuo 22).
Dorothy Matsuo, Boyhood to War (22)

Struggling with Identity

I’ve joined several communities full of Japanese Americans. I find these groups to be my sanctury to explore my identity, race, and talk history about our family. Ironically, the folks who have commented on “how Japanese” I look have been white men. But then that goes without saying, what is exactly Japanese? How is it that I’m accepted as Japanese American by others in the Asian community but not to white men? It really messes with your mind.

I’ve had people who have known me for years eventually asking me if I’m part Asian. It’s there, it’s always been there. And it shows that people either “look for the whiteness” or just make very basic assumptions on my appearance. Since I have red hair = Irish = white. I’m more Japanese than Irish if we want to get technical.

Filling in the Gaps

The internment of Japanese Americans has been swept under the rug for years….until recently.

Thanks to many films, and a new musical called Allegiance starring George Takei, Lea Salonga, and Telly Leung, which I had the pleasure of seeing at the Old Globe in San Diego in 2012 I’ll admit that I was incredibly touched by the show and I found myself crying on several occasions. I hope that this marks more awareness of Japanese American internment. If you’re in Los Angeles, check out the Japanese American National Museum. While living in San Diego, I often visited the museum and it was an emotional experience every time. There are several museums dedicated to Japanese American history, and many of the relocation centers are being restored and preserved being turned into museums themselves.

So as we reflect on this day, let us remember how much it impacted the present of the time, and the future. For me, while Pearl Harbor and the internment of Japanese Americans didn’t directly affect me, it meant the lack of knowledge on the that part of my family’s history, and not getting a chance to connect with the Japanese culture.

My Grandpa's retirement packet with a letter from Harry Truman thanking him for his service in WWII. — My Grandpa’s retirement packet with a letter from Harry Truman thanking him for his service in WWII.

Statement Regarding My Paranormal Affiliations

December 3, 2013 Alex Matsuo

Since July of 2013, my only affiliation with any paranormal team has been with Association of Paranormal Study (APS), the team I founded in 2011, as well as having the privilege of an honorary membership with Evermore Paranormal.

My previous involvement with other paranormal groups has raised questions about the integrity and business practices of my team, APS. During my recent time with a previous team, I was employed from in December of 2012. In July of 2013, I turned my full focus to the Association of Paranormal Study.

At APS, our mission statement is

“To promote the study and research of the paranormal field by bringing together, encouraging, and growing the paranormal community by building knowledge through workshops and lectures, hosting public investigations in local places in the city. And finally performing private home investigations for clients with a solution based practice in order to provide thoughtful and productive resolution to the clients and presence.”

We do this by helping our clients in any way we can in three different team locations; San Diego, Mid-Atlantic, and North East. All business practices conducted by the Association of Paranormal Study, its directors and investigators, are held to the upmost standards. Any business practice of previous teams in which I was employed does not reflect, in any way, the way we conduct ourselves at APS.

Thank You Hater(s)!

October 30, 2013 Alex Matsuo

I found this by accident. I love everything about it. The song is catchy, and accurately describes the haters I’ve encountered, regardless of direct or indirect insults. It’s almost like a love letter so to speak. This is simply amazing. If this awakes dragons, lions, trolls, etc. they don’t have a sense of humor.

Nothing Else Matters Because I’m Fat

August 30, 2013 Alex Matsuo

Being a fat person has exposed me to the widest variety of insults and jokes. Whether they’re said to my face or behind my back, whenever someone really wants to insult or get to someone, they comment on their weight. Being fat has become the ultimate haven of experiencing below-the-belt insults.

It also seems that when one is fat, the quality of the person goes down. People judge character based on weight. Don’t believe me? Let’s take some of my own experiences. I was recently called fat via social media by a chain smoker. Of course, when someone speaks up to defend a fat person, the comeback is “well they shouldn’t be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle” as they light another cigarette.

Ironic, isn’t it? Perhaps we need to look in the mirror before judging.

Furthermore, who gave thin people the badge that gives them the right to be called good people and shame fat people? Shaming based on size has become huge (excuse the pun) in our modern society. There’s fat shaming and skinny shaming. It appears that insulting one’s appearance is much more powerful than commenting on the person’s actual character.

For example, I was made to feel insignificant, basically not intelligent enough for certain endeavors that I’ve chosen to embark upon by my chain-smoking buddy. Even though I have a Masters degree in my chosen path, I wasn’t smart enough or qualified enough, and then proceeded to comment on my weight and how I needed to spend my time and energy on becoming less of a fatass.

This is where, “Nothing else matters because I’m fat” comes from.

I’ve done mission work in third world countries, I’ve worked with special needs children, I’ve volunteered hundreds of hours into non-profits and charities, I’ve worked with inner city children…but I’m fat. Therefore whatever I do is moot because I am large.

Of course, this isn’t true. Some of the most intelligent people I know are overweight and/or obese.

When someone posts a photo of themselves, and they’re overweight and celebrating their body image, the comments I see from naysayers/trolls the most are, “You shouldn’t be promoting an unhealthy lifestyle” or “You’re celebrating that overeating is okay.” Here’s the thing, of course being overweight is unhealthy. If someone feels fabulous at 500 pounds, that’s awesome! If someone is 500 pounds, eats healthy, exercises every day…that’s great! For me, I know the [my] human body isn’t meant to carry the amount of weight I’m carrying. But ya know what? It’s no one’s business but my own. Other people’s weight and health is nobody else’s business but my own. I sit in an airplane seat just fine so it shouldn’t bug the person next to me. Yeah, I might be an awkward sight at the gym, but at least I’m there. People are fat for a variety of different reasons ranging from health to emotional. Is it my business? No. Nor is the reason why I’m fat is anyone else’s business but my and my family’s. Weight is a personal concern.

If I’m a bad person, tell me I’m a bad person, don’t comment on appearance. Throwing insults takes more than just appearances (pun intended).

Like most people, fat people (or fit/skinny/chubby/bulky/curvy/etc people) are not perfect. Even people who are comfortable in their own skin aren’t perfect. We all come from different backgrounds, we’ve made mistakes, we’ve hurt others, we’ve been hurt, we regret our actions…it’s all a part of being human. This is a journey of mankind.

What needs to be looked at are the people who feel like they have to insult weight and body image in order to hurt others. Maybe they’re feeling so insignificant about themselves that they have to project their own hurt and insecurities onto others. They aren’t worth your time or taking up space in your head or heart. Are they bad people? I don’t know. I’m biased. Considering that words have so much power, a fat joke can make a person purge after eating, and self-confidence can be instantly shattered with a fat comment. Like being fat means that they’re less of person.

Guess what? No matter what your body size is, you are not less of a person.

What makes you less of a person is the fact you have to tear others down by commenting on their body image to make yourself look powerful. Making memes and insulting photos of fat people is nothing more than a pissing contest to see who can be the most powerful. People who comment on appearances in order to make themselves look good are the lowest on the totem pole emotionally and they have to make sure that someone else feels bad too, because hey, misery loves company. Think about it, have you ever seen or heard an emotionally happy, sane, and healthy person go around spewing negativity like that?

Instead of commenting on body image as a reflection of inner character, perhaps we just need to start looking at the person beyond the fat and beyond the physique. Being fit doesn’t automatically make someone a good person, nor does being fat automatically make someone a bad person.

If someone calls you fat for the purposes of making you feel bad, let it slide off your back (easier said than done, I know). Because the person who said the hurtful comment is most likely feeling insignificant in some way, and in their minds, insulting you gives them power. Don’t give them that power.

Weight does not equal character.

Making Friends As An Adult

August 26, 2013 Alex Matsuo

So…since moving to Raleigh, I’ve learned something huge. Making friends as an adult isn’t quite as easy as one might think. In San Diego, I had friends from church, high school, college, work, and doing shows. I am a pretty social person, so the culture shock of moving to Raleigh and being stripped of a social life in the physical world was a big overwhelming at first.

Luckily, I actually had a few friends from college who lived in Raleigh so I had some social time with them. But I still had the life of a loner and I was (and still am) very homesick.

I did a few things to cope with the loneliness:

I called my friends.

I can’t tell you the last time I actually picked up the phone and called a friend. With the world of texting, it’s turned into a cop-out when it comes to communication. I can’t tell you the feeling of hearing familiar voices and actually talking, and using verbal communication. For the first time ever, I’m living alone in my own place and I never actually thought about whether I opened my mouth to talk or not. I live in my head and don’t talk to myself out loud, I think I unintentionally took a vow of silence one day.

I wrote letters and postcards.

I took a piece of paper or a postcard and I wrote to some friends. With the world of email, texting, and messaging, this is a practice that’s on its way to becoming lost. There’s something about sitting and writing with a pen or pencil a letter to a friend. It was rather pleasant really.

I didn’t forget the friends I have already

It wasn’t until now that I fully appreciate the social networking ease that is Facebook. I think I chatted more in the last three months than I ever have in the time that I’ve been on Facebook. If you’re feeling lonely or need some interaction, a quick hello on Facebook can do wonders.

But what did I do to start making new friends?

I started auditioning.

Even if I wasn’t right for the show, I went and auditioned for any play, film, or musical I could find. I needed to start making my face known in the theatre

community anyway, and if I booked a show, I’d be spending a substantial amount of time with these individuals. I did get cast in a show (yay!) and I’m having a blast.

Get involved in areas that are familiar to you. Whether it’s wine, gardening, working out, etc. go out and get involved.

I joined a social networking site for friends and dating.

Okay, it’s a step above Craigslist (I haven’t been able to cross that line yet), butI’ve actually met some

pretty cool people through a few websites. If anything, having a beer with a stranger makes you learn about others and yourself. Of course, I was guarded and had to use a fly swatter to get away from the creeps, but that’s real life anyway. 😉 But crazy thing: There are websites for friendships now. No longer do people have to go through dating websites just to make new friends.

Joining Meetup

Meetup.com is a pretty cool website where you search for meetup groups based on hobbies, interest, and lifestyle. I’ve actually made some acquaintances who I socialize and spend time with outside of the Meetup group. Do I dare call them friends? I think so.

Work

Probably the place where you’ll spend most of your time and where you’ll interact with people on a regular basis. I’m blessed in the fact that the people I work with are awesome, along with being very loving and welcoming.

I became the neighbor Mr. Rogers would be proud of

Living on the second floor and working odd hours, I happen to run into my neighbors often. Instead of my usual keeping my head down and just walking by, I keep my head up now, smile, and say hello. One of my neighbors helped me with my groceries the other day, and he also happens to be a cop. The community I live in also has social events, and while I skipped the last one, I’ll go to the next one.

Enjoy the downtime

This was probably the most difficult one for me to swallow. Getting the chance to sit back and enjoy the quiet and enjoy the downtime has turned into something very special. Going out or talking to someone every day and evening was something I’ve done for years, and the only downtime I really had was sleeping. Rarely did I ever put time aside for my own spiritual well-being and took time for myself.

Okay, maybe this isn’t the best how-to on making friends, but it’s a start. If you just moved to a new city where you don’t know anyone, you’re not going to make much progress just sitting at home and doing nothing. Don’t be afraid of going out by yourself. Making new friends in a new town is all about getting out there and reaching out.

Making new friends and putting yourself out there all over again is scary. It reveals a vulnerable part about yourself, and if you were a social butterfly in your old element, it’s even scarier to have to start over. I miss my friends back home dearly. But I’m also very grateful for the people I’ve met here in Raleigh and look forward to seeing what new adventures await.

The Real Doctor Faustus

July 13, 2013 Alex Matsuo

The legends of brilliant men making pacts with the Devil in order to acquire their knowledge is a tale as old as time. Theophilus the Penitent was one of the earliest legends, but a man from Germany would become more famous, and immortalized in many works such as Christopher Marlowe’s play, Doctor Faustus, and Goethe’s Faust, just to name a few. The legend of Doctor Faustus served to show the consequences of one’s decision to commit themselves to evil, but also, it seems to me that it also showed the views of those who were rather brilliant so to speak, and that “obviously” someone must have made a pact with the Devil in order to be that intelligent. Evidence also suggests that he was a “sodomite” and a “sorcerer” that found him to be banished from several of the towns he visited in his travels.

While Doctor Faustus remains a primarily German legend, this man, named John or George Faustus was most likely an actual person who was an itinerant scholar or a fortune-teller of some sorts who was a well-traveled man. Documents that have surfaced date his activities around 1507 until around 1540, and it is believed that he died not long before 1545. Unfortunately, any historical accounts of the real Faustus do not paint a very favorable picture of him. The first full account of Faustus was written by an anonymous Protestant and published in 1548 was the first to associate him with the supernatural and any possible pact with the Devil. This text would be called, Historia von D. Iohan Fausten. The German-text’s introduction called him “a conjuror and master of black magic” and someone who “sold himself” to the Devil, as well as claiming that the enclosed accounts were from the real diaries of Faustus during his travels.

Evidence of the cause of death of Doctor Faustus have been hard to come by. Allegedly, the real Doctor Faustus died a brutal death from an explosion from an alchemical experiment. His body was terribly mutilated, which supported the idea that the Devil did indeed collect what was due. However this was recorded by Wikipedia and I haven’t been able to find a strong source to be completely convinced.

Then an English translation called, The History of the Damnable Life and Deserved Death of Doctor Faustus, within five years after the German-text was released. The author was only known as P.F., and while P.F. remained consistent in the translation, there is a very apparent branch off when Damnable Life includes details that are not included in the German text. Because of these extra details being included in Marlowe’s Doctor Faustus, it is very likely that Marlowe used Damnable Life as his main source. Whether he used the German-text is quite possible, but there isn’t enough evidence to confirm it since Damnable Life includes all the information from the German-text.

Hopefully, this has piqued some interest for you to explore more about the Faustus legend, and make the decision for yourself. Do you think Doctor Faustus really consorted with the Devil? Or was he the victim of ignorance?

Further Reading

Faust Legends Translated by D.L. Ashliman

Goethe’s Faust

The Faust Book (or Faustbuch)

Christopher Marlowe’s play, Doctor Faustus

If you want to obtain the original text for The History of the Damnable Life and Deserved Death of Doctor Faustus, go to your local library or university and inquire as to whether they have a partnership with Early English Books Online (EEBO).

Cambridge – The Source of Doctor Faustus

Howard Barker & Theatre of Catastrophe

July 5, 2013 Alex Matsuo

A truly fascinating and yet terrifying playwright I’ve come across is British playwright, Howard Barker.

Granted, he’s not Sarah Kane-scary, but his work is disturbing. Barker created the genre of “Theatre of Catastrophe” to describe his work, because no other genre described his style the way he wanted it. In the 1980’s, Barker coined the term, “Humanist Theatre” to describe the traditional style of British theatre that he so detested. Theatre of Catastrophe was the response to Humanist Theatre. Barker wanted to create something that would wake up the audiences of theatre today. And while his main arguments are against British theatre, his thoughts can be applied to the American theatre as well.

To sum up Theatre of Catastrophe in a few sentences; instead of evoking one collective response from the audience, he challenges the audience member to deal with the play on their own terms and their own interpretation. This means that instead of a play having a clear, single and direct theme, Barker’s plays are much more fragment and ambiguous so that the personal interpretation can be achieved. In interviews, he uses the example of Brecht, stating that when he goes to the theatre, he doesn’t want to be “instructed by Brecht.” Barker’s work contains the themes of sexuality, desire, ecstasy, individual will, criminality, performance, and death. He doesn’t hold back in the way it is presented (example; dropping a bucket of horse blood on the actors). He often writes about some of the most grim historical events and shows them in a manner that is open and yet, provocative.

Barker is one who wants to go against the mainstream form of theatre. I’m currently reading Barker’s Arguments for a Theatre, and I will admit that it is exhausting, even after being a little more than halfway finished. Not exhausting as in the dialogue is dry or difficult, but coming to grasp this term and considering it as the wake up that mainstream theatre seems to need right now. Theatre of Catastrophe, if I’m reading and interpreting this correctly, is meant to change what we know as theatre with explosive dialogue, provocative staging, and gory stories. Ironically, I couldn’t find a uniformed definition or interpretation of Theatre of Catastrophe, and when I compared Barker’s definition from the 80’s to now, it has evolved and changed and become more extreme over the decades. I truly had to keep track of my timeline as I began researching Barker and his theories.

Britain clearly has some disinterest in his work, while theaters in Paris can’t produce enough of his work, according to an interview with Kevin Quarmby. I suppose it is more of a cultural deal. But my initial thoughts are I somewhat feel that Barker is doing the one thing that he detests, and that is instructing the audience. Even if his work is obscure and in fragments that are open to interpretation, he has to have some sort of thought or intent behind it for the audience. There is still a theme to take away from his plays.

Although, I have not seen any of Barker’s work on stage, I’ve only read it. I can say that his work is definitely meant to be seen and not read. I can appreciate and applaud his work and respecting the idea that we all interpret work differently and that one cannot put the audience into one little box when it comes to the reception of work. Others seem to not feel the same, such as Michael Bettencourt, who very much eloquently and strongly expresses his feelings on Barker.

Howard Barker is an interesting individual and deserves some attention from those who are interested. So in closing, if there’s a Barker play opening on a stage near me, I’ll buy my ticket, but I will go in very prepared and of course, with an open mind.

Why Theatre Is Important

February 23, 2013 Alex Matsuo

Theatre has been around for centuries; from the beginning of theatre through oral tradition, to ancient Greek theatre to the contemporary theatre that we know today. Theatre is an intricate part of human history. Theatre is important because it has the ability to show the best and the worst sides of human nature. It has the ability to purge our emotions, making it an experience that cleanses the human soul. Even before humans had the ability to read and write, stories were passed down through oral storytelling and giving a visual imagery to people and bringing memories to a persons mind. Today, in modern society, theatre has been embellished and more than ever, people are going to the theatre to watch stories come alive on stage and learn new life long lessons about love, friendship, betrayal, trust and forgiveness.

Theatre mirrors the past, present and future of our society. People connect with history through the stage and can create a more effective emotional connection to our roots. Theatre is important to me because it gives me the opportunity, as the actor, to step into another person’s life and feel their emotions and go through their journeys as a human being. Theatre, in my life, is giving a gift to the performers, to the audience members, and anyone else who is a part of the project. It is important to every person in all walks of life because we learn of each other, ourselves, trials and tribulations, and to perhaps, find a way to resolve our conflicts between ourselves and other people. We learn more about ourselves and the people around, and perhaps, theatre will give us a venue and medium in which we can come to mutual understandings, or create havoc and chaos from all the different people in the room. But that is up to us to decide.

Superhero

February 6, 2013 Alex Matsuo

I started a new residency this week at a new school. To sum up the gist of my job, I basically show Kindergarten-5th grade teachers how to integrate the arts into their curriculums. There’s a lot more to it, but for sake of not boring anyone, I’ll leave it at that. I love my job, it can be exhausting at times, but I get to work in something theatre-related and teach the next generation of students. I have a tendency to get attached to my students. What can I say? I’m a sucker for hugs, high-fives, handshakes, and toothless smiles. I love seeing this kids grow from being shy children to completely letting go on stage and becoming a character. I especially love training teachers and seeing them grow and develop and become phenomenal artists, whether they realize it or not.

Anyway, today I had a student whose a four-limb amputee (for the sake of the internet, his name is going to be omitted). I’ve worked with kids with special needs on a regular basis, even working with children with autism and having them perform Shakespeare and Moliere on stage. These kids I especially have a soft spot for because they are the most creative artists and they surprise me so much with the things they come up. And not to mention how genuinely happy they are to be a part of a group and feel included by their peers. While it’s trying, it’s very special and I consider it a privilege and an honor. I end up learning a lot each time. I learn about myself and what it is to be human.

My student whose a four leg amputee really excelled in theatre today. We worked with mirror activities and I taught them how to warm up and this student truly led by example. Even though he was missing his limbs, the movements he created were amazing. I would have thought he was a modern dancer. The way he expressed himself and took the plunge into all the activities was astounding.

Before we got into the activities, I was talking to the kids about imagination and how actors can be whatever they want to be. They use their imaginations to become characters and be able to do things they usually can’t do in reality, or so they think.

The student asked with wide eyes and a smile, “Can I even be a superhero?”

Yes, student…while you may not know it yet, you are already a superhero.

Boxes of the Past

January 26, 2013 Alex Matsuo

I had to go through some old boxes of mine that were sitting outside of my house. The rain finally took over and the wind was strong enough to knock the boxes over so it was time to go through them to see if they’re worthy of bringing inside the house.

It probably took about an hour. It’s a wet and cloudy Saturday here in San Diego, and my interest was more delved into staying indoors while watching figure skating and eating chili. But alas, I went through the boxes. During the experience, I freaked out about spiders, dirt, and wet soggy cardboard. But miraculously, my belongings remained dry and untouched.

I found jewelry, photos, books, all these things that are a part of me and my history. It’s weird to say, but this whole experience helped me find myself again. I think I took people’s perceptions of me to establish my current identity, and to be honest, I’ve been feeling a little lost. Apparently, my identity in the public eye has been growing, and about 98% of these people think they know me and they know who I am. In truth, they only know one side of me. Not even a side, they only see on sliver of what goes on in my life. Now does this mean I want everyone to take the time to get to know me? Of course not. I think I’ve been ignorant of myself for about 6 months now. I only gave attention to what people see on the surface of me. In truth, isn’t that how we function on a regular basis? to only judge by what you see on the exterior and what other people tell you of that person.

I believe it was RuPaul who said, “What other people think about you is none of your business.” And it’s very true. I’m slowly beginning to get to that place where I’m not caring anymore about what other people think of me. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there are select individuals out there who will try to destroy me, my character, and my life. But they will never stop my family from loving me, they will never cause rifts in my friendships, and they will never prevent me from doing what I love. They actually have no power over me.

Going through these old boxes inspired me to revisit some old photos. I found a photo of me from circa 2006/2007. I almost didn’t recognize myself. But that is the Alex I want to return to. I cropped the photo to save my friend from internet exposure. This is the Alex who was very social, hung out with friends on a regular basis, lived life to the fullest, worked hard, and took nothing for granted…while still in the moment of pure happiness and appreciation. Which I’ve lost. This photo was taken the first or second Christmas after my car accident. Unreal. I genuinely look happy.

I’m going to start disengaging from toxic people on the internet. They can go and say I rip people to shreds, I’m a horrible person, I am a terrible friend, I use people, etc. but they don’t know me. They don’t know my friends, my colleagues, and my family. In closing, they don’t know what they’re talking about. If the attempts of taking down the reputation of myself and other people gives these individuals the sustenance that they need to have fulfillment and the reason to live and survive, then my public identity is a generous donation to their meaning of life.