“You Should Be Grateful for the Attention”

Alex Matsuo2 Comments

Trigger Warning: Rape, sexual assault

Bill Maher is in the headlines for more insensitive comments, this time against overweight people. His idea of how “fat shaming needs to make a comeback” as a way to combat the growing obesity epidemic isn’t a solution. It’s perpetuating an ongoing issue that fat people need and deserve to be bullied and harassed.

Last month, I was thrilled to take photos in a two-piece swimsuit. I got some amazing feedback and responses from other people who could relate to my story, were also victims of fat-shaming, and felt uncomfortable in their bodies. I was sent hundreds of photos of people in their own crop tops, two-piece swimsuits (or shirtless swimsuits from the fellas), and other revealing styles while thanking me for inspiring them to take that step.

There was another response that I had anticipated, but I was caught by surprise at the sheer volume of it all. I had men messaging me, and let’s just say what they had to say wasn’t rated G. I think I’ve received more unsolicted pics of men’s junk that I ever did while I was the dating scene. My inbox was blowing up to the point I had to uninstall Facebook Messenger. When this happened, I usually blocked and reported the offenders.

What surprised me was that the men who sent me photos of their genitals still had their Facebook profiles up. I even received reports back from Facebook that the message didn’t violate their “community standards.” I’m sorry, what? What was truly troubling that one of the senders was a convicted child rapist. Like, he was on the national offender registry for sexual assault against a child. It took almost a month for his profile to be taken down.

There were other men who had sent me photos, and I would go to their profiles to see that they had done similar, and to minors, as noted in the comments on their public posts. People are trying to report these profiles to Facebook, and when the social media giant fails to remove the profiles, people are taking to the comments to publicly declare the bad behavior (with screenshots).

I thought I reached my threshold of being shocked, I was then told that I needed to be grateful that I was getting all of this attention from men because fat girls like me don’t get “compliments” like these often. It’s like, because I’m overweight, that I need to just take the harassment and accept it. Not only that, but I’m also supposed to enjoy it? No. Actually, hell no. I know this isn’t an issue exclusive to overweight people. It’s definitely a problem within humanity.

Because I’m an analytical person, I also looked at the types of people that were harassing me. What I found interesting was that these folks were geographically in similar locations (small town America), they were typically men who were not college-educated, and they were conservative. They also had the same empty look in their eyes, and their posts indicated that they likely used illicit subtances. I don’t want to draw stereotypes, because I was harassed by a few wealthy executive-type men. This behavior isn’t exclusive to a single type of income, personality, etc.

I will admit that I found this response overwhelming because it brought back a lot of memories of being sexually assaulted. The men who hurt me told me that I needed to just appreciate and be grateful for the experience because no one else would give me this attention or want me in this way…because I was fat. When I reported my rape, I wasn’t taken seriously because surely no one would do this to a fat girl.

I find these days, being complimented on my appearance makes me cringe. I would almost prefer to be called names in regards to my fatness. Sure, the compliment-giver may mean well, but when I don’t know the person and I can’t gauge intention, I am reluctant to even say, “Thank you.”

I had to make a decision as to whether or not I wanted to continue my social media presence. I had to make a decision on how to respond to these messages and whether or not I still wanted to “call out” the men that were harassing me and sending me inappropriate photos. My method isn’t perfect. I pick and choose which ones to respond to. Most of these messages are being ignored, the sender blocked and reported, and I move on.

Today, I’m still troubled by how my assault was handled. The fact that I was told to appreciate and be grateful for the assault because it would be the “only time a man would touch me” was almost as bad as the assault itself, if not worse. What is even more troubling is watching the segment Bill Maher recently recorded and said that fat shaming needed to make a comeback. Again, it opens the issue of how just because someone is overweight, they need to be subjected to bullying and abuse because it will help them. This is only adding more poison to the mindset that justifies the rape of an overweight girl and the harassment of a human being on the street. It needs to stop.

It needs to stop NOW.

Why This Fat Chick Is Wearing a Two-Piece Swimsuit

Alex Matsuo3 Comments

From the time I was little, I was always aware that I was overweight. Well, that’s what it was called when I was younger. Today, I look back at photos from the time and thought, “I really wasn’t fat.”

As my body grew and changed, I knew I had to cover up my thighs, my arms, and my stomach because “No one wants to see that.”

I’ve never worn a two-piece swimsuit that exposed my stomach. I have always wanted to because I wanted to know what it felt like to be completely out there with my body.

To be completely present with myself and my body.

Origin Story

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

My mom put me in figure skating in my elementary school and middle school years. I wasn’t as thin as the other figure skaters. I was always getting second place at skating competitions, and my mom told me that they didn’t give first place to “fat girls.”

After figure skating, I discovered theatre. When I decided to become an actor, I became hyper-aware of what my body looked like. I could tell you what my chin was doing when I spoke a monologue. I can tell you what part of my body jiggled when I sang.

This inhibited me as a performer. I couldn’t move like I wanted too because I didn’t want to look “fatter.”

Even with all of the dance classes I took to be more comfortable with my body, it only intensified what I already knew about myself; I was fat. 

Growing up, I was bigger than the other girls in my dance classes. And I wasn’t as thin as the other girls in my acting classes. 

In elementary school, I had a bully who called me “Fatsuo.” The crazy thing was that she was shorter than me. She was tiny. I could have stood up to her like a force.

But I didn’t.

She only validated what I was told every day by others around me. After my physical for cheerleading, the first thing my Mom looked at was my weight. I can still hear her voice in shock saying, “One-eighty?!?!” I weight 180 pounds at 14. But I had just come from years of ice skating, working out every day, and eating a reduced-calorie diet. I was a size 12 and doing it right. I had a lot of muscle. But it’s all a numbers game. I looked at the number on the scale instead of my measurements.

At one point, my father force-fed me broccoli and took away my cup so I couldn’t chase it down with water. Of course, weight was always a conversation peppered in with gym visits. My identity was surrounded by diet and exercise. It was like I wasn’t a person because I was overweight. I wasn’t his daughter yet, because I was overweight. It went against his healthy physique and lifestyle.

Bad Solutions

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

In middle school and high school, I went through years of yo-yo dieting, eating disorders, binging, throwing up, starving myself, water fasts, Hollywood juice cleanse…the list goes on. I did a lot of damage to my body to fit the mold I felt obligated to be a part of.

In college, I remember my Mom did a Google search on me and found a comment from one of my classmates on MySpace. He was responding to a photo of a morbidly obese woman that was posted in his comments. He said something to the effect of, “If you ever post a photo of Alex Matsuo again…”

Instead of sympathizing with me, or just keeping it to herself, my Mom called me and told me off. Apparently, Bobby was in the right, and this was my fault because I was overweight.

Today, I’m paying for that damage to my body. 

Had I been able to enjoy myself and enjoy my body at the weight I was at, who knows what I would have weighed today. 

What I would give to weigh 180 again and fit in a size 12.

The Cocoon

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

I also used my fatness as a defense mechanism. It was like a protective cocoon that made me feel safe. I was safe from the hurt, abuse, and any threats to my wellbeing. After going through physical trauma in my teen years and early twenties, my weight was a comfort instead of being who I was.

The only boyfriend that ever had a problem with my weight was always comparing me to his ex-girlfriends and how much skinnier they were. He actually convinced me to join Jenny Craig, and I had to report my weigh-in results to him. When he broke up with me twice, I was devastated. I had made so many sacrifices to fit into his definition of what beautiful was as a condition of our relationship. It broke me.

In defense of my Mom, it seemed that having a fat daughter was one of the worse things she could have. I don’t think she believed it, but I think she was so wrapped up with what other people thought of her, or what one man thought of her, she must have thought she failed somehow because I was overweight. Don’t get me wrong, my Mom loved me and she was very proud of me. She grew up extremely insecure about her body as well. A certain man didn’t help with her confidence either because he made comments about her body that destroyed her self-esteem. She wouldn’t ever move on from them.

I love my Mom dearly. I think a lot of how she treated my weight struggle was from her own experience with her own weight as she was navigating through her life. She didn’t want me to go through what she had to go through. She didn’t want me to feel the rejection and pain she felt. I’m so sad she felt so inhibited to open herself up to someone she loved because of a few cruel words. That was the turning point of my life.

Lessons Learned

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

That stuck with me. I’ve been with wonderful men and women since who reminded me that I was beautiful. We were in awe of each other. My relationships since the “Jenny Craig Ex” were beautiful. I’ve met and connected with extraordinary people in my life who didn’t see past the fat, they saw my fat as a part of me, which was beautiful. Why couldn’t I see myself in that way?

One day, I took off all of my clothes, and I looked at myself in the mirror.

This was me.

Even with all the angled selfies and different styles of clothes to try to hide my fat, this was who I am. This was what people saw all the time. People still cared about me…they accepted me for who I am.

So, why couldn’t I do that for myself? I didn’t want that mindset for the rest of my life.

Looking Forward with Fat

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

As I mentioned, I’m now paying for all I put my body through. Even as my body continues to change because of hormones and medication, I’m celebrating the person I am right now. If I don’t fall in love with my body now, I may never get a chance to. I’m eating healthier than I ever have in my life. I exercise and slowly falling in love with it. 

Guess what? Still fat. So it’s who I am right now. Not every plus-size person is overweight because of food. It’s going to be a slow process. But instead of trying to lose weight, I’m trying to be healthy.

Probably the most incredible thing happened; once I started truly loving myself and my body, I started eating better for my health’s sake…not for the number on the scale. I want to keep my blood sugar in the normal range, so my eating habits reflect that. 

So, if someone has an issue with my double chin or my flabby arms…oh well. That is their issue and not mine.

Just because someone is uncomfortable with my body, it is not my obligation to change myself for their peace of mind.

To mark this new mindset, I decided to do something I had never thought of doing at my current weight.

Wear a two-piece swimsuit. 

I’m no longer going to cover up my arms for anyone. And I’m going to wear that two-piece swimsuit and show off a bit of stomach for this last bit of summer.

If anyone has an issue with that, you’re welcome to look the other way.

I’ll be over here having the time of my life.

Photo by Katlyn Wright Photography

My Favorite Keto and Low Carb Recipes

Alex Matsuo1 Comment

If you’ve been following my Facebook or Instagram, you’re probably aware that I’ve become more serious about a low-carb lifestyle. I suppose you could call it “lazy keto” since I’m only counting carbs and not worried about the macros (yet).

I’m not doing this because I want to lose weight. Nothing else was lowering my blood sugar. Being a diabetic, I was constantly in the 200s with medication, so something had to change.

I’ve learned that I do need to plan and prep if I’m going to stick to this lifestyle. It means looking at the menus ahead of time if I’m going to a restaurant.

It also means cooking. A lot of cooking. Luckily, I have my boyfriend to help shoulder the burden. But even so, I don’t like cooking overly complicated things. So, these recipes are fairly simple. It’ll require a trip to the grocery store, maybe a few. These are recipes that have honestly helped me keep my sanity as I make this transition.

Pizza Rolls

  • This was created by my boyfriend. So he gets the credit. These are delicious, and really simple.
  • You’ll need some mozzarella, pepperoni (or your favorite low carb topping), and some tomato sauce. Store bought pizza sauce has a LOT of sugar. However, if you buy the plain generic tomato sauce, it’s only got 3 carbs per serving.
  • You’ll make little piles of mozzarella of about 1 ounce on parchment paper. Bake at 400 F for about 10 minutes.
  • At this point, the mozzarella piles have melted down. Take it out of the oven, you can put about a teaspoon of sauce on it and your pepperoni. Put it back in the oven for 5-7 minutes.
  • I like to roll mine, but they can also be folded in half like tacos.
  • It should round out to about 1-3 net carbs depending on your ingredients.

“No Bake” Peanut Butter Balls

Creamy Taco Soup with Ground Beef

Creamy Chicken Marsala

Crack Chicken

  • Ranch seasoning, cream cheese, chicken, and bacon.
  • This turned out much better than expected. It actually makes a pretty good topping for a keto-friendly chip like Whisps.
  • If you want to save carbs, I would look up a keto-friendly recipe for the ranch mix.
  • Link to Recipe: https://www.messforless.net/keto-crack-chicken-in-the-crock-pot/

Low-Carb Tomato Soup

  • Heads up, this recipe isn’t really keto-friendly. But, if you have a craving for tomato soup, this will kick it while keeping your carb-count relatively low.
  • You’ll need a 6 oz. can of tomato paste, 1/4 cup heavy cream, beef broth, oregano, and your favorite shredded cheese.
  • The original recipe I found had one cup of heavy cream. I found this mixture to be way too heavy, so I diluted it with beef broth.
  • Play with the ratios and see what tastes the best for you.

Moon Cheese

  • Okay, this isn’t a recipe. It’s a delicious cheese snack that has gotten me through my snacking needs at work.

That’s all for now! I’ll post more as my journey continues.

She’s Got Nothing to Prove: Being a Woman in Fandom

Alex Matsuo1 Comment

This past weekend, I spent time with wonderful people at ConCarolinas 2019/Deep South Con 57.

I did something I had never done before. I got emotional during a panel.

The panel was “She’s Got Nothing to Prove” and I was one of several amazing women who participated.

Being a female in fandom is a wonderful thing…for the most part. It wasn’t always that way, and in some ways, it *still* isn’t that way.

My first exposure to the geek world was when I was a wee little tyke and a very dear member of my family was a Trekkie. I remember watching the original Star Trek (TOS) and The Next Generation. Well, I more so remember flashes of scenes and moments. I didn’t really understand what I was watching.

In elementary school, I fell in love with Power Rangers. But I didn’t play Power Rangers with the boys at school. If I did, I couldn’t be Jason, Billy, or Zack. I couldn’t even be Kimberly or Trini because I wasn’t pretty or I didn’t look Asian enough. Such as life and finding my identity. Anyway, that was light. It was easier for me to simply join the other girls and say that Power Rangers was done and then run home after school to watch.

Flash forward to 2000 and 2001. My grandmother had recently died and we were going through things in her house. My mom and I had found boxes and boxes of VHS tapes that my grandpa had made from a friend. Most of my earliest Disney movies were made from homemade VHS tapes…meaning…they were counterfeit (sorry, Mickey). Among this collection were the original episodes of Star Trek and Star Trek: The Next Generation. For the latter, at least the episodes until my grandpa died. My grandmother watched the show too but not to the extent as my grandpa. He was a big fan of Roddenberry. While I don’t know why, I can imagine the connection of being in the Army in World War II, interracial kissing (my grandparents were an interracial couple), and the incredible vision and storytelling of the shows.

Anyway, I was a cheerleader in high school, and very much into anime like Sailor Moon and recently discovering InuYasha on Toonami. I found these VHS tapes and started watching. I wanted to connect with my grandpa more and explore something that he enjoyed.

I didn’t really know anyone who was into Star Trek besides my first high school boyfriend (he was more or less annoyed with me about it). I took to the message boards to try to connect with others. This was early 2000’s message board activities, so I wasn’t very conscientious about hiding my identity.

In short, one of the Star Trek fans I knew in real life l was able to identify me and told his fellow Trekkies. These guys identified themselves as Trekkies and will use that terminology moving forward.

At first, he and his two other friends seemed excited that a cheerleader was interested in Star Trek. They entertained my questions and geek outs over episodes they bragged about watching dozens of time. I didn’t really want to self-identify as a Trekkie,Trekker, or even a Star Trek fan so publicly. This was mainly because I didn’t know who I was. Isn’t that just high school in general?

However, they also grilled me on content that I frankly didn’t keep track of. I was expected to become an encyclopedia of all things Star Trek. I didn’t measure up, and I had to pay the consequences.

Without getting into too much detail, I got bullied by the bullied. I was touched in ways I didn’t want to be touched. But I “owed” these guys because they had “wasted” time on me. I wasn’t a true Trekkie. In their eyes, I misled them and I had to be punished.

I was also dealing with a breakup and other issues surrounding that. After it was over, I remembered looking at his Star Trek keychain and just screaming at it and crying. Mom and I packed up the Star Trek VHS tapes and put them back into the closet, never to be watched again. It would be another six or so years before I would even watch another episode of Star Trek.

As mentioned earlier, I got emotional telling this story. I also felt really bad telling this story because there were people dressed in Star Trek costumes, and I knew there were several fans in the audience. I’m not blaming this on fans, trekkers, or Trekkies. I’m blaming three teenaged boys who didn’t have an outlet for their anger and they took it out on me. They wanted me to feel as bad as they did.

And it worked.

I told my mom what happened. She decided to just keep it quiet and told me to do the same. I never went to any sort of therapy, and it honestly built up so much anger in me. I blamed myself for being so stupid and trusting. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.

I learned my lesson. In the future, I kept my identity hidden on message boards and other online communities. If anyone did find my “real” name, it was assumed I was a male, and therefore safe. Other women I know were not as lucky.

This wouldn’t be the first time I dealt with gatekeepers of various fandoms. I was honestly terrified of reaching out into another community of fandom because of my Trekkie experience. Luckily, I was able to connect with wonderful people to contribute to my healing.  From Star Wars to Disney, to anime, Battlestar Galactica, Firefly, etc., I’ve learned that you’re allowed to enjoy things even if you’re new. We all start somewhere.

This also stretches far outside into other areas like gaming. I think GamerGate burst open the fact that women are not only being shamed for liking a certain fandom or playing a game, but also they are being doxed, harassed in real life, and being threatened on a daily basis. This underground issue became a very public crisis and put the spotlight on the world of gaming. If a woman has some cleavage while live streaming, she’s automatically labeled as a slut or getting attention for the wrong reasons because she isn’t smart enough.

But gatekeeping isn’t just a male issue. It is a societal issue.

Since being a “geek” or a “nerd” is much more accepting and, dare I say, trendy these days, I see a few different reactions to it all.

  • The geeks who have been in it for decades and are now annoyed with the newbies.
  • The women who were shamed for liking something and then feeling the hurt when a new and “prettier” girl embraces their fandom and gets more attention.
  • The new geek who doesn’t understand the trials the veterans experienced being a geek and trivializing their struggles.

Lately, I’ve been trying to embrace the idea of letting people enjoy things.

You don’t have to be an encyclopedia of facts to enjoy the fandom.

Do respect the people who have been there before you. If they’re willing to chat, pick their brain on how they got to where they are today. They might also be trying to process this newfound acceptance of their geekdom.

Women are constantly trying to prove themselves, their credibility, and their worth in the world of fandom. It can be really hard, especially when we’re asked to quote specific lines from movies, remember what color a character wore from a Christmas special, or show off their collectibles and then meet with aghast when said collection isn’t impressive.

The fact that there are numerous articles on how to be a “proper” fan in various fandoms is nothing short of ridiculous. The fact that there are posted lists on phrases you have to use in everyday conversation to prove you are a fan that was just recently written proves we have a long way to go.

Granted, I also have to remember the quality of people who are making our lives a living hell for doing what we love, watching what we love, and playing what we love.

Can a female just enjoy things without forcing her to prove herself?

Can we just let people enjoy things?

Dear Younger Me

Alex Matsuo

Dear Younger Me,

You’re focused on a lot of things right now, like your next Disneyland trip, Hanson, figure skating, karate, visitations with dad, and Sailor Moon. I know you’re dealing with some really messed up things at home. If I could go back in time and give you this letter, this is what I want you to know.

  • Ask your grandma tons of questions about her life and your grandpa’s life while you still have time. I know living with her with all of her health problems is hard, but she won’t be around forever. Spend as much time with her as you can.
  • While you and Mom aren’t getting along, know that she’s going through a lot that she will never tell you about. Also, appreciate her too and spoil her on her birthday. Ask Mom to be more honest with you. She will not ask for help when she needs it, and it will end up causing more issues.
  • Take more pictures. While you might feel embarrassed to ask people to take a picture with you, it’s better to feel that temporary feeling than the lifelong regret of missing a photo with someone you love.
  • Go to Disneyland more often. Take advantage of the annual pass monthly payments earlier in college. Also, don’t let people make you feel bad for your monthly Disneyland trips.
  • Don’t let people’s fat jokes get to you. I know you have many people from all facets of life telling you that you’re overweight. Yeah, maybe you can’t run as fast as the other kids. But you’re strong. You’re athletic. You eat pretty healthy. Also, you’re not fat.
  • Wear that two-piece swimsuit you’ve been dreaming of. Go ahead and enjoy life. You will keep yourself from enjoying life because you will keep them as rewards for your weight-loss. Appreciate your body and love your body. Because 33-year old Alex wishes her body can still do what it did at your age. She will wish that she weighed what you weighed right now.
  • On that note, seriously…you’re not fat. You won’t be fat in high school either. Don’t pay attention to that number on the scale because most of that weight comes from the muscle you’ve built from figure skating and cheerleading.
  • Sign up for acting classes. That itch to perform will turn into something more.
  • Speaking of creative itches, don’t let your teachers tell you that you’re a bad writer. In fact, you’re pretty damn good at writing and research. Look out for a friend named Anneke, because she will give you that creative boost and tell you that you’re a good writer.
  • Eat more vegetables. I know you hate them, and Mom went overboard in forcing you to eat them. Tell Mom and Grandma to put more spices in the veggies and add cheese. You’ll be able to eat them. Ask to get your blood sugar tested, and often. Diabetes is already living inside you.
  • You’re beautiful. Tell yourself you’re beautiful every day, because you are. Be confident in who you are and love yourself.
  • Don’t let your 5th grade teacher change your name because there’s a boy who has the same name as you. “Alexa” won’t stick after 5th grade. Your teacher was awesome, but you shouldn’t have had to sacrifice your name.
  • Stick with the piano lessons. You’re musically gifted. Yeah, the lessons sucked, but you need a different piano teacher.
  • There will be people who will fat shame you well into college. Don’t give them the time of day.
  • Take the time to learn math.
  • Did I say you’re beautiful?
  • Take naps. As you get older, you will try to bank sleep. It doesn’t work that way. Your 33-year old self is learning the value of sleep after the damage has been done.
  • If someone stresses you out so much that you’re physically ill, and they’re not changing their behavior after years of you talking to them…let them go.
  • Challenge yourself. Sometimes you will be put in situations that you’re not a fan of, like remedial math. Know that it’s for your benefit and growth. Take punches in stride, and know it’s okay to cry.
  • Keep reading those books on the bus. Read as much as you can.
  • Keep singing.
  • Keep watching anime. And no, it isn’t from the devil.
  • Take pride in your Japanese heritage.
  • Take advantage of the travel opportunities you have. Tell Mom to let you travel to France with your Dad.
  • On that note, tell Mom that you want to study the arts with your Dad’s friends.
  • Speaking of Dad, he has a secret to tell, and it’s okay. It’s nothing to freak out about regardless of what religious bigots will say.
  • You have crushes on girls, and it’s okay.
  • Be proud of yourself and who you are. Can you tell there’s a self-esteem empowerment vibe here? That’s because I know how bad you feel about yourself, and it’s not your fault.
  • Be comfortable in being uncomfortable. Once you settle into this concept, it’s extraordinarily powerful, and you’ll be unstoppable in achieving your dreams.
  • Call people more. Write letters and postcards.
  • Ask Mom to have you see a therapist in high school. Those feelings you have weren’t just hormones. You will develop anxiety and depression. Take care of it sooner than later so you can enjoy life sooner. Medication is okay.
  • It will take you years to unlearn a lot of things. But trust me, it’s worth it.
  • Don’t let people disrespect you. It’s okay if people don’t like you. Self-respect is key.
  • Learn to walk away. Understand that there will be some people who will never see beyond themselves or the hurt they caused you.
  • Wear your retainer.
  • I keep saying this, but you’re beautiful. You will spend a lot of time on trying to make your body perfect that will hurt you. Just because you’re huskier than the other girls (let’s face it, you always have), it doesn’t mean you’re worth less or you’re not beautiful.
  • There is power in words.
  • Smile and be kind. Sometimes you can be a light not only to others, but to yourself.
  • You love cats, and it’s okay.
  • I hope you start loving yourself much earlier in age than I did.
  • Be a warrior instead of a worrier. Everything will work out in the end.

Finally, I love you.

Love, Alex

Where Are the Leading Ladies in Ghost Hunting?

Alex Matsuo2 Comments

I must start this blog off with a declaration: I love the paranormal community. It is because I love it that I’m writing this piece. This is something that has been on my mind quite heavily lately. Every time I see a promotional image for a television show, paracon, paranormal event, etc….too often I find myself asking, “Where are all the ladies?”

The paranormal community has its ups and downs, especially that infamous “para-drama” that we all encounter occasionally. However, this has been a glaring flaw I’ve noticed in the events aspect of the community. There is a disproportioned ratio between female and male guests. First off, I don’t believe this is intentional. I’m going to try to avoid being critical as possible, because I know SO MUCH WORK go into these events, and many times organizers have to work with what they have.

I suppose I can argue that this stems from the lack of female-driven television. I have to commend Katrina Weidman for continuing to be that pioneer for women on television. Of course, we also have Amy Bruni, Amy Allen, Heather Taddy, and Lorraine Warren. I can literally count the number of women who consistently appeared in a paranormal television show on barely more than one hand. I know there are a few more. Note that I am NOT including medium shows, where there is usually a female lead. There is no question that women do have a presence on ghost hunter type television shows. However, how many of them are the star of the show? How many of these shows have a female ghost hunter as the star vehicle or a television show, or even have an all-female team being featured on a television show.

For example, take a look at Ghost Adventures, which currently has no female show runners.

Ghost Hunters does a bit better with their female cast members. The ratio varied from season to season. I noticed that Ghost Hunters International included more women.

Keep this in mind as I make this next note. Now, count the amount of male-driven paranormal television shows. The list goes on. Haunted Towns, Ghost Adventures, Ghost Hunters, Ghost Brothers, and Ghost Stalkers alone takes up a good amount of this list. The paranormal television industry is male-driven, and it continues to do so. Female cast members are usually a co-host, the sidekick, the psychic medium, the spiritualist, the witch…now THAT list goes on. How many successful and mainstream paranormal shows do we have where we have a leading lady that isn’t sharing the spotlight with a male star? I do appreciate the strides that shows like “The Dead Files” have made for women in the paranormal.

According to a 2017 study from the Netherlands, they found that men’s channels featured less-equal and a more traditional image of gender. They found that females were underrepresented on men’s channels while gender was more equal on female-centric channels. However, given that paranormal television has been compared to professional wrestling, and even adult-entertainment, we have to wonder why this is. When you look at female-representation in the comparative venues, this trend in paranormal television makes sense. Given that these television shows are meant for entertainment and shouldn’t be interpreted as reality, it’s truly another form of theatre in a way.

With this in mind, it’s no surprise that the paranormal event circuit tends to be male heavy. These events depend on featuring stars of television shows to help drive ticket sales. There was only one all-female driven paranormal con that I could think of, and that was the ParAmeriCon, which was created by Suzanne Sorrell of Evermore Paranormal. I know Phenomenology tends to try to keep it even between male and female guests. 

However, events like ScareFest are currently not featuring ANY female celebrity guests. They are featuring the cast of Ghost Brothers and Haunted Towns. Now, it could very well be possible that no females applied to become a speaker for ScareFest. I have to say that I’m not a believer of creating opportunities for the sake of inclusion to help an organization’s stats, as that ends up doing more harm than good.  It could very well be that there were females who applied but were not qualified enough to speak.

Then we have these other events, where there is an uneven ratio between men and women.  I’m only going off of what was included in the event’s marketing materials. Usually the remaining guest list is more expansive.

The earliest event I’ll mention is Pensacola ParaCon 2011. There were eleven men and only one woman for their featured guests. 1:11

Pensacola ParaCon 2014 featured four women on their promotional materials. The remaining thirty were men. 3:30

Old Mill ParaFest in 2014 featured three women and eight men. 3:8

A 2014 event called, “ParaCon” had no female guests at all. It was all men. 0:7

An event simply known as Para-Con 2015 only featured one woman with the remaining featured guests being men.

Sage ParaCon 2018 had two featured female guests, with Katrina Weidman and MJ Dickson. The remaining seven guests featured were men. 2:7

For the 2019 ParaPsyCon, there are five female guests and eight men. 5:8 is actually pretty good. This particular promotional image only features three women and eight men.

PennHurst Asylum Paracon 2019 features twelve men on their front page and three women, Rosalyn Bown and the Mountain Gypsies. 3:12

Mass ParaCon 2019 has eight female guests and eleven male guests. Their promotional image features five women and six men. So, very balanced! 5:6

Then we have the Ocean State Paracon for 2019. They have six women and eleven men on their promotional image. 6:11

The Haunted Road Media ParaCon has over nine female guests and six male guests. This is the first event I found where the female guests outnumber the males. 9:6

From this little breakdown, we can see that some events have made efforts to be more gender-inclusive for their guests list. Other events still have some improvements to make. It would be brilliant if the paranormal television industry had a more balanced ratio for female-driven paranormal programming that didn’t pigeon-hold them in the “psychic medium” genre, but instead, leading a paranormal investigation on camera.

Some of the most brilliant minds I have met in the paranormal community have been women. What is interesting is that there seems to be more female paranormal authors out there, which is a fascinating conversation to be held. I strongly feel we need to keep spotlighting these women because we are more than the sidekick or the cohost. I think the paranormal community is ready for more leading ladies on television as well as being featured in events, articles, books, podcasts, etc.

Until the paranormal television business catches up, it is up to us as event organizers, teams, attendees, and supporters to lift women up.

RECAP: Ravens & Crows with Daryl Marston 11/15/18

Alex Matsuo
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/liveparanormal/2018/11/16/darly-marston-on-ravens-crows-on-liveparanormalcom

On Thursday, November 15th, 2018 at 8pm ET, I had the pleasure of having Daryl Marston of The American Ghost Hunter Show & Breaking Paranormal on the show. We talked about some great stuff including his work with ParanormalWarehouse.com, hauntings during the holidays, and even shared a few laughs about different shenanigans that occur during paranormal investigations!

How I Survived My First Paranormal Investigation with Diabetes

Alex Matsuo

This may not be a big deal for some, but it was to me. I was diagnosed with diabetes in July 2018. Still trying to figure out exactly what type I am.  Thankfully, there’s a glimmer of hope in solving the mystery.

Anyway, since my diagnosis, I’ve had to be extremely cautious of what I put in my mouth. I flip-flop between eating keto, dirty keto, reduced carb, etc. since looking at a carb seems to spike my blood sugar. I took a brief hiatus from ghost hunts and other paranormal investigations since my blood sugar was going crazy as I was adjusting. My first paranormal investigation as a diabetic wasn’t until September 29th, so I had time.

The biggest change for me was how much more I had to prepare before the investigation. Packing equipment and making a plan is tedious enough. But then I had to consider the following supplies:

  • Glucose tablets
  • Glucagon Kit
  • Blood Sugar Meter
  • Snacks
  • Caffeine
  • Water
  • Stress Level
  • Insulin
  • Oral meds

You’ll often see sweets and salty carb-centric snacks at a paranormal investigation. I couldn’t eat any of that. The food I was going to eat was going to have to be protein centric. I did end up eating some Pringles chips since that didn’t spike me as much as regular potato chips. But besides that, it was all beef jerky, boiled eggs, etc. Also, I couldn’t eat anything with sugar, and it’s no longer an option for me to get energy.

Speaking of energy, the other issue was caffeine. I could drink coffee, but I had to be really careful because I didn’t want to cause chaos in my blood sugar numbers. I usually drink Diet Coke for caffeine anyway. But, if I don’t drink enough water these days, my sugars will spike. So, I have to do a ratio of 3 parts water to 1 part Diet Coke. Obviously, this also causes an inconvenience as it makes me have to use the bathroom a lot. If I started to spike, I had to chug water.

I had to also make time to take my medications. I actually forgot to take a round of oral meds, which could have been a disaster. I ended up remembering later than I wanted, which pushed back my round of insulin. So, for the future, I’m going to have to set an alarm for myself.

The other issue I was concerned with was what would happen if my blood sugar dropped. I had to let one of my team members know where they could find my meter, glucose tablets, and medication. I also have to train them all in using a glucagon kit. In the event I had to be taken to the hospital, I made sure that my prescription paperwork was on hand. It was weird to have to do so much prep work just for myself.

Also, stress can cause blood sugars to rise. Besides the investigation, my team and I were also putting on a fundraiser for the Trivette Clinic and I found myself in the middle of a spike and a dizzy spell right as the event was starting. I made friends with the wall and anything that was nearby I could use for balance.  Fear can certainly stress anyone out, but luckily, the Trivette Clinic isn’t haunted by anything that is volatile or malevolent so I wasn’t afraid.

Lack of sleep can also mess with my blood sugar. Considering that ghost hunts typically happen at night, I had to do a check whenever I started feeling off.

Besides a few spikes and running high, I survived. I’m annoyed that I have to have such a contingency plan from now on. But it’s better to make this plan now instead of having my team members not know what to do should I pass out or I spike to a dangerous number like 600. 

I ain’t afraid of no ghosts, or crazy blood sugars (for now).

Amazing MUST KNOW Ghost Hunting Tips for Newbies

Alex Matsuo

Congratulations! You have decided to step into a unique world of mystery, suspense, and even a little spook. Probably one of the most popular questions I get as a seasoned paranormal investigator is, “I’m going on my first ghost hunt, what do I do?” I love helping people prepare for their first ghost hunt. It’s almost like a right of passage! If you google what to do for your first ghost hunt, you’ll find a lot of good stuff. I’m not trying to trump on anyone’s good advice. But, I do have my own little “to do” list that will help you have the best time you can have!

Respect

First and foremost, respect the location you’re investigating. Respect the deceased that you’re trying to communicate with. Follow the rules of the venue and the group that you’re in. The quickest way to get kicked out of a ghost hunt, let alone some angry spirit coming after you, is to be disrespectful.

Self-Assess

Before you commit to any sort of ghost hunt, you need to decide what you want out of the experience. Do you want to get scared? Do you want to learn some history? Do you want to try to find proof of the afterlife? Are you trying to contact someone in particular? Just answering simple questions like this can help you gain a better understanding of what you want out of the experience. If you’re someone who gets scared easily, read reviews of the location before you go. Read some of the legends and experiences people have had. Is this something you can handle? If not, perhaps looking into a more benevolent location might be better. If you feel you’re ready, then you know what your limits are and when to give yourself a break.

Know Where You’re Going

Being familiar with your location is key before going on a ghost hunt. If the company you’re working with wants to keep it a surprise until the night of, all hope is not lost. Ask them what kind of environment you’ll be ghost hunting in. Is it a house? Will you have to hike? Will you be outside? If there’s any part of the ghost hunt that will take place outside, then be sure you’re ready for whatever weather is on the forecast that night.  Not only that, but find out the conditions of the roads. There have been times I’ve almost damaged my car from driving on rugged terrain in my little sedan when my ride buddy had a jeep left at home.

If the location is going to be in the dark night in the woods, then flashlights are a must. Closed-toe shoes are also a must. Speaking of the woods, going through any bushes and trees will warrant wearing some jeans just so you avoid any poisonous plants. I also advise people to not wear all black if they can avoid it. I’ve heard of many ghost hunters getting hit by cars at night because the driver couldn’t see them since they were wearing all black.

Tech

This is another area where I get a lot of questions. I always tell people that you don’t have to spend thousands of dollars on equipment. Part of the ghost hunting experience is collecting evidence, or as I prefer to call it, data. It means you could be recording audio on a recorder, or taking a video of your experience. The one thing that people forget is that if you take in 4 hours of data on your audio recorder and 4 hours of data on your camcorder, you have 8 hours worth of data to go through. If data collection is what you want to do, that’s fantastic. But if the thought of this is daunting, there is nothing wrong with wanting to do tech-free just so you can have that experience.  Some of the earliest ghost hunters only had a pen and paper to jot down notes.

Pack Smart

If you’re going on a ghost hunt that will last longer than 4 hours, you might need to pack some food provisions to get through the night. Everyone will usually default to packing sugary snacks and caffeinated drinks. However, that will cause your blood sugar to spike, and then you’ll experience a crash…which will be counterproductive if you want to stay up for several hours. Protein-filled snacks, veggies, and water will be necessary to get through the evening.

Food aside, packing flashlights, batteries, and a first aid kit should be in any ghost hunter’s survival kit. Even if the location is indoors, you never know when you might get a scratch or miss your footing and get injured.

Sleep

Getting enough sleep is essential to enjoying the ghost hunting experience. Sure, eventually you’re going to get tired. But if you push yourself beyond being sleepy, you will start to see and hear things that aren’t really there. Sleep deprivation can cause some interesting hallucinations and can be similar to the feeling of being drunk. It could compromise your ability to understand your surroundings. Something simple and logical could get interpreted as something paranormal. If you feel tired, there is no shame in taking a cat nap. I try to get at least eight hours of sleep the night before an investigation along with a nap during the day.

Research

This can go in two different directions. Some people want to research the location as much as possible before an investigation. They do this so that they know exactly what is going on at a haunted location. They will know the names of who is reportedly haunting and be able to use contextual questions to establish communication. Meanwhile, other people don’t want to know anything before going in. This is so that they don’t “taint” themselves with previous information. Many with psychic abilities may opt to do this.

Abilities

If you feel like you have psychic or mediumship abilities, then you’ll need to prepare for another aspect. Numerous times, I’ve noticed people get overwhelmed during an investigation. When I talk to them to try to help them, they reveal to me that they have abilities and they got overwhelmed by the experience. To avoid this, if you’re completely new to the world of having abilities, I recommend that you learn how to ground and shield. There are some great articles to help you learn this.  Having the best understanding of your abilities before your ghost hunt will be key to you having a good ghost hunting experience.

Ask the Right Questions

With each ghost hunt, you’ll probably hear a few suggestions for questions to ask. But, there is a trick to asking the right questions that will create a welcoming environment for communication. You want to keep the questions simple, but also smart. One of my pet peeve questions is, “Do you know you’re dead?” Something as simple as asking for a name is better. Knowing the history of the location in terms of important dates in its existence (ie: wars, presidential inaugurations, world events, etc.).

Stacking questions can create problems as well. That is when you ask several questions in the same stream of speaking. An example of a stacking question would be, “What’s your name? Where are you from? How old are you?” If asked by themselves, these questions are fine. But asking them in the same line of questioning, it will result in confusion. Finally, be sure to leave 10-15 seconds of silence after each question to give the entity time to produce an answer.

Be Safe

At the end of the day, you want to be safe. That is the number one priority in any ghost hunting experience. You don’t want to try anything that could compromise your health and safety.  You have most likely signed a liability release form, which means that if you get injured, then you’ll have to cover those expenses yourself. While it may be tempting to climb into the attic or ignore the “Keep Out” signs in order to explore another part of the haunted house, a lot of things could happen. The floor might give out, you might inhale bat guano, or you encounter an unexpected injury. Ultimately, you want to put safety first.

If you have any other tips for a successful ghost hunt for a newbie, please share them in the comments!

Slender Man Movie Review: False Advertising & Wasted Potential

Alex Matsuo

slender-man-main_81f1bbbcf8The newest “Slender Man” (2018) movie was released last night. I don’t normally write reviews unless I feel inspired to do so. Sometimes this is a good thing. In this case, it wasn’t. I have been fascinated by the Slenderman (Slender Man?) phenomenon for quite a while. I’m not even talking about the subsequent crimes that took place by mentally ill teenagers. I’ve been fascinated by the idea of how legends can be created so quickly and go viral thanks to the innovation of the internet.

One of my side jobs is being a writer for TheRichest. I had the awesome chance to write a script about Slenderman before the new movie came out. You can check it out here. I recommend watching this before or after you see the movie, because frankly, the real story is more interesting than what the movie portrayed:

Now that we’re on the same page, here are my thoughts on the new “Slender Man” movie.

It was a huge disappointment. It had amazing source material to draw from, and it failed on epic levels. If you don’t want spoilers, then I recommend you stop reading now.

My first major issue with it was the movie dragged. There wasn’t a lot of meat to this movie at all, and it seemed like the writers didn’t have a lot to work with. The result was every mediocre action was dragged out much longer than it should have. There were moments where the pace picked up, usually with when SM made an appearance or attacked, which didn’t happen often. The movie felt like 3 hours when it was about an hour and thirty minutes.

My second issue is how the world was built. It started okay, but then it went downhill from there. First off, you summon Slender Man by watching a video on the Internet. Once I saw this, I immediately thought of “The Ring”, but this concept wasn’t as well executed. But an online video? Sure. I suppose one could argue that since SM was born from the internet, then it would make sense. But, there is a plot hole that derails this theory later on in the movie. One of the characters, named Wren, goes to the library to do more research on SM and finds that his origins and child-stealing activities could even date back to him being the Pied Piper. If you can only summon SM from an online video, how does that explain his child-stealing activities before we had the internet?

After the first girl , Katie, disappeared, there was some scratching the surface on potentially having the father involved, or at least aware of some occult activities. But that is never revisited again.

The mystery girl who the characters chatted with online was never fully explored besides a follow-up news article that she went nuts. How did she know so much about SM? Was her mind being controlled by SM? Why didn’t the character speak to her more since she was so knowledgeable? Another plot hole that wasn’t further explored.

The biggest thing that bothered me was that the main character were incredibly whiny and weak. When Katie first disappears, all they can question is whether it was SM. At first, they are proactive in trying to find their friend as they deal with their own nightmares and hallucinations. Then, that drive wanes off for two of the characters. When Wren tries to do more research, she comes across a theory that SM is bioelectric, and he is using that bioelectric energy to break down the minds of his victim. Again, this was interesting, but once again, unexplored. There was no attempt to really try to STOP Slenderman from his ghastly agenda. Hallie (with the last name Knudsen in honor of the creator of SM, Eric Knudsen/Victor Surge), doesn’t seemed to be bothered trying to figure out what’s going on despite having her own SM sightings. All the while denying things were going on and trying to explain everything. If her sightings were trivial and debunkable in the movie, that would be one thing, but she was having full-out sightings and intense nightmares. And yet, that didn’t drive her to do more? Her love interest, Tom, also ends up watching the video. All we see is that he’s shaken up coming into class sometime after with bruises on his arm. Again, this plot point is not revisited.

Given that Slenderman has no real canon besides what people on the internet have conjured up, this movie had the potential to bring something new and fresh to the legend. Unfortunately, this fell incredibly short. As mentioned in my video, it would have been cool to explore the idea that is was US who created Slenderman through collective thought. Then, the girls go into this whole thing of trying to get people to STOP thinking about Slenderman, which of course, would never happen. It seemed that the girls were doomed from the beginning because they didn’t do anything to try to stop him. The movie dragged on and on with questions on what SM was, their boring nightmares, and trying to brush it off as if it were nothing.

There was also no violent crimes mentioned or even performed in this movie. I assume it was for the respect and sensitivity to the crimes that Anissa Weier and Morgan Geyser committed in 2014. There were a few other SM crimes that year as well. However, the movie could have done something…like a desperate attempt by one of the girls to try to save herself?

Why do I have “false advertising” in the title of the review? Let’s get into that.

Also, if we look at the original trailer, there were plot points brought up in the trailer that didn’t make the cut in the movie:

The part where Chloe stabs herself in the eye doesn’t make the cut. Instead, she gets visited and choked by Slender Man and becomes catatonic. The girl writing, “Can you see him?” seems to be the mystery chatter from the beginning of the film. But this is a scene we never see. Also, we never see a girl walking out of the woods, to be greeted by police cars. It looks like the mystery chatter again. AGAIN. Why wasn’t this plot point explored? We also never see the guy taking his own life by jumping off the roof. It looks like they had planned for maybe a more violent movie and then postponed the release from May to August to completely change the movie? It would make sense as to why we got this final product. However, the movie that the official trailer sold to us was not the final product that we received in the theater.

Screen-Shot-2018-01-03-at-10.16.09-AM
See this scene? You won’t see it in the movie.

At the end, SM is the winning champion of the movie, as the girls (predictably) falter and join him in the other world. The most interesting part of the movie is the last 10 minutes. But even the last shot of the movie was mediocre and boring as it showed a school hallway. It definitely left you feeling a void of wasting 90 minutes of your life on wasted potential.